Wednesday, July 30, 2008

If I was any less productive I could pass for the Bangladesh economy

Bangladesh in the house! One of the world's most populated countries, and yet smaller than an Asian penis. Bangladesh gets no respect! Probably because they are poorer than Mike Vick's going to be when he gets out of jail. Much respeck, Bangladesh!

Anyway, if anybody produces less than the 'Desh, it would be me. Holy hell, have I been lazy as of late. But what the hell am I to do? Create work for myself? I don't think so. I'm not paid well enough to do that. Put up pointless blogs? Well, I pretty much have the market cornered on that at this point, so there's really nowhere to go in that aspect. Get a job at Bennigan's? NOPE! Closed! OMG! The saddest day of my past two weeks was the day that I found out that the local Bennigan's was closed. Mainly because the bartender was an acquantance, and thus I could tell her to KEEP THE O'DOULS COMIN'. I love me a good, cold, frosty, delicious, electric bottle of O'Douls. Non-alcoholic gold, I called it, which is awkward, as real gold doesn't have any alcohol in it as is. And no, Goldschlager doesn't count because it's gay as fuck and thus automatically disqualified, just like in the Army.

Which reminds me, time is running out on my life and I must complete a task I have always wanted to complete: throwing a party with a keg of O'Douls. Since I'm old now (over 21) and not in college anymore, it would be a much harder task to pull off and likely wouldn't claim as many victims as it would have a few years ago. However, I'd still like to see who gets HAMMERED off of this O'Douls because they drank LIKE 18 and are STUMBLING and are DUDE SO TRASHED that they CAN'T SEE STRAIGHT and end up FUCKING FAT CHICKS IN THE GARAGE. Speaking of which, I had better clean all of the used syringes from the garage so I don't get sued when this happens. I'm a forward thinker, just like Jimmy Carter was until everybody hated him. Regardless, you are all invited to my O'Douls party.


AB said...

"But what the hell am I to do? "

I have no idea. I'm not a guidance counselor.

Ryan said...

Love the O'Douls Fake Out Party idea. Then you tell everyone, and at the next party you serve the hardest shit out there. You know, Sam Adams Lite. Something like that.

Then watch as they all think they have their shit together just in case it's another ruse and they all drive off and hit a bunch of kids.