Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Is marriage really for white people?

Why did I include a picture of Mike Tyson to represent this idea, you ask? Well, it's because I feel like I just had my eyes raped out while reading these stupid articles about race and marriage, which didn't quite make it as a sitcom on CBS. Also, Mike Tyson claims to have a 14-inch wang, which explains the pain in my eyes, along with the crazy delusions of Mike Tyson in regards to, well, Mike Tyson.

Anyways, CNN is running their new series, "Retard Point-Counterpoint", and the first salvo was fired by a black woman named Dionne Hill, musing on the topic of black marriage, which is really at the forefront of just about everybody's thoughts these days. Miss Hill muses on the perfect life she thought her grade school teacher Mrs. Allen had, saying, "A career she enjoyed, a nice home, two adorable children and a husband. She shared her tools for success with me at an early age. She went to college, got married and waited until she was 26 to have her first child. The perfect life. The perfect plan. It was one I decided to model." She caps this off by noting the major difference between the two of them...Mrs. Allen was white.

WHOA! No fucking way! Mrs. Allen was only able to pull this off because she was a white woman, logically. Also, the fact that she was probably married in 1957 when everybody was doing the Bangladesh thing and marrying when they were 6 years old probably contributed...but hey, not as much as her whiteness, which must have attracted more dick than a WHAM! concert. The writer goes on to describe multiple reasons that she never got married, not a fucking one of which has to do with the fact that she is a Nubian queen. Oh, I put off marriage for my career. Well, unless you are Da Brat, that probably has nothing to do with blackness. Sure, I had dates, but I was just never interested enough. Well, again, that probably has more to do with you being a lesbian than having relatives that used to live in Kenya.

She does eventually come up with one thing quasi-blackness related, noting that black women outnumber black men nearly 2-1 in college degrees. However, she immediately notes that white women also outnumber white men in the same aspect. So just marry some dumbass if you want to get married so bad, Dionne! Who the fuck cares? But if you want to continue to compare the ages of people that are married nowadays with those of 1904, then hey, be my guest.

But that's not all. CNN couldn't let this die. They had to get a retard counterpoint from a black woman who persevered and did the impossible...got married to another black man! After scouring the US far and wide (most likely in urban areas), they finally found Camille Felton, that real blood-diamond in the rough.

She opens up with a motherfucking bang: "Some people might consider me to be a rare find. I don’t feel like an anomaly, but statistically, I am. According to U.S. Census records, I’m one of about 30% of black women who are married. My husband and I will be celebrating our 17th wedding anniversary in August. We live in a suburb of Atlanta, with our two kids and a dog, in a house with a picket fence."

Damn straight, Camille! What a rare find! Only 30%!?!?! That means I have to find APPROXIMATELY 3.3 BLACK WOMEN BEFORE I FIND ONE THAT IS MARRIED!!!!! OMG! You are so rare! By the way, oxygen makes up about 21% of the air. You are more fucking common than oxygen, Camille.

She also continues with two paragraphs of 10-pt retard describing how, yes, she has single friends, and no, she doesn't know how she did it, and that, no, she doesn't take her marriage for granted, but yes, she has played Gran Tourismo, and no, she doesn't know the lyrics to Des'Ree's "You Gotta Be", and so on. Great. These things read like these women survived face cancer or something. If I wanted to read about perseverance or overcoming odds, I'd rather read about a crippled Scandinavian boy who climbed up a pile of tires and mattresses to beat a group of his able-bodied classmates to a can of Surge over this ridiculous drivel.

But hey, race gets views, I guess.

Also, check out the first comment on that last article. "Black people can certainly make marriages work...hey, look at the Obamas!". God damn. I'm surprised she left out the part about how many black friends she has.

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