Tuesday, July 8, 2008

2 Birds, 1 Stone

Now that's what I'm talking about. Porn is really undergoing a bit of a renaissance these days, really branching out past the old days of a dude fucking a chick in one or two holes TOPS. There was no ear-fucking in 1976...who out there wouldn't have wanted to see John Holmes aurally rape Andrea True? Instead of continuing the 1980's trend of going gay and spreading AIDS around at a rate that would make Rwanda proud, today's porn is taking a turn for the avant-garde, something that I couldn't be more pleased about.

Instead of settling down and dying, today's old men are engaging in colorful fruit-themed orgies, known more commonly as a "lemonparty". Hey, when life gives you lemons, throw a lemon party. Women are showing their love for one another over a delicious cup of whatever the hell it was that they just ate. Hundreds of dudes are simultaneously jizzing all over the wanton face of a confused young woman who almost certainly had a very difficult childhood. Knowing that I can visit xtube and watch a pregnant lady fuck an aluminum baseball bat is one of the few reasons I even get up in the morning. It really is a golden age of self-violation.

And these are the things I am thankful for when I sit down in my trailer and drink my 7th PBR of the young evening. Stealing your neighbors internet and looking for the sickest fucking porn that the web has to offer has become second nature to many, however, I will never take it for granted. This is John Cougar Mellencamp's America, people.

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