Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Craigslist time

http://miami.craigslist.org/brw/cas/1317819031.html


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I'm Going to Dip My Penis in Applesauce - m4w - 25 (Weston, FL)

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And then, post-apples, you are going to taste it. Therefore, you must be a woman who likes the taste of applesauce and penis. Or just likes penis and is willing to try applesauce. I guess vice versa will do. Preferential treatment will be given to those who have actually tasted applesauce-covered penis before and enjoyed the texture and flavor. You can really taste the apples.

To clarify some things here, I'm not looking for a dude. Yes, I get it, it's Craigslist. I'm going to post this and almost immediately my inbox will fill up with dudes emailing me pictures of their wangs and offering to give me a BJ on their lunch break. Well, on my lunch break, I'm going to buy some applesauce. So fuck you. This is for women who love applesauce cock only. And yes, you heard me, ladies...I will provide both the cock AND the applesauce. I'll give you a ride if you need it. Whatever. Like I ain't got room for you and some applesauce in my Smartcar. I’ve got that kind of serious cash flow right now. Who the fuck do you think I am, Michael Vick? Motherfucker, I'm ballin'. 14-inch rims on my whip. Yeah. Throw some lowercase d's on that bitch!

So let me know, ladies. I'll pick you up, we'll drive out to my house, maybe listen to some Tears for Fears and Depeche Mode on the way out just to get in the mood, you know, talk about the economy and hurricanes and Bernie Madoff's audacity and anything but cock and applesauce. But when we get to my house...yeah. I'm getting out the Mott's applesauce, pouring it into the bucket I usually use when I'm washing my car, and dipping my penis right into that sauce. And then? Well, that applecock's going right into your mouth, my dear. You can polish that off like Billy Mays in an Oxyclean commercial. In fact, you can suck the applesauce off in memory of Billy Mays. What a tribute! I’m hard just thinking about this.

So, in summary, please be like, ehh, let’s say 20-30, enjoy applesauce, you should like to taste penises, and also be willing to blow a complete, applesauce-cocked stranger on a random afternoon rendezvous.

I have included a picture of me covering my penis in applesauce.


8 comments:

wrap around curl said...

Hey, I like Songs From the Big Chair...

Rage said...

Wraps, you'd totally ruin Vern's life...besides, he's got zero skillz in the crease.

Vern...your artwork brings all the fags to the yard...just sayin'

Vern said...

Tears for Fears is awesome. And I don't need any skills when I've got jars of applesauce.

Lori said...

you're my hero, and have baller MS paint skillz if I may say so myself. Basically, you need to post any response emails that you get.

White But Still Hip said...

Well played, sir. Well played.

Symo said...

Incredible post. Never been a big fan of the A-Sauce, but now? Nope. Never.Ever.Again.

hysterical.

Rage said...

Don't get me wrong, Vern's got teh mad skillz with paint, but I think his gargantuan representation of "himself" is what gets the gay responses...cause I heard that they're all size queens...so ...uh...basically I'm not attacking Vern, or his psychotic need to ho himself out on the craigslist...

The ZaZ said...

This blog never fails to amuse.