Wednesday, August 19, 2009


Ok, you might not all be track and field aficionados, should probably recognize that Usain Bolt is being ridiculous right now. Like, he's doing things that were, as of a few years ago, only possible on that track and field game that I rented once for Sega Dreamcast. A 9.58? It seemed possible after the Olympics last year, but not for a few years after Bolt gradually lowered the record under 9.60. This is a huge jump in a record that studies had actually shown (seriously) may had been asymptotically close to approaching its peak. Well, Bolt just blew it out of the water, and I don't mean that he gave it a BJ on dry land. I MEAN HE TOTALLY WRECKED SHOP ON THE TRACK!

This 1.2% decrease in the world record is astounding, so let me put that 1.2% into perspective for you.

- Imagine that instead of having a population of 8.3 million, NYC had a population of 8.4 million. OMG CRAZYTIME!

- Imagine the media reaction over the JonBenet Ramsey ordeal if instead of being 7 years old, she were only 6.916 years old! INSANE IN THE MEMBRANE!

- Mark McGwire's 70 homerun season bested Roger Maris' 61 homerun season by 9 homeruns. Wow. But imagine if Big Mac had beaten Maris by 9.109 homeruns! HOLY MOTHER OF GREG LOUGANIS!

- I once did 2 chicks in one day. Yeah, I know...straight player status, yo! But imagine if I had f-ed 2.024 girls that day. WOW! You'd all be asking me what my secrets were!

- An astronomical unit is defined as equivalent to the average distance between the Earth and the Sun, or 93 million miles. But imagine if it were 94.116 million miles. WE'D ALL FREEZE TO DEATH LIKE RULON GARDNER!!!!!

Hopefully these anecdotes help to show the novices amongst us the true impact of Bolt's record sprint. Putting his accomplishments in perspective like this will blow your mind!


Rage said...

Awesome Rulan Gardner/Gay Louganis reference, Vern. That's why you're a big deal, right there. Well...that, and you have an enormous cartoon penis, of course.

Vern said...

Gracias, sir. You have to know your references to earn the right to use applesauce like that.

Send me an email if you see this so I can add some more things about juicing.