The Roast of Brenda Warner

*raucous applause*

Kurt Warner: Thank you, thank you. Thank you for coming tonight to roast my beautiful wife, Brenda Warner. We're gonna have some fun tonight, guys, I think you can be sure of that. But before we get to the jokes, let's bow our heads for a prayer.

Dear God, thank you for bringing us here safely tonight and for giving us the opportunity to hold this charity event. Thank you for the food and alcohol that we are fortunate to serve to our guests tonight. Thank you for the bountiful blessings you have bestowed upon our families to get to this point in our lives. And please, please let someone else fuck my wife tonight so I don't have to. HEY-YO!!!!

*laughter*

Ok, let's bring up the first roaster, Mike Martz, who will apparently be doing this via headset.

*applause, Mike Martz walks to the podium*

Thanks, Kurt. Finally using that bulldyke wife of yours to give something back to the kids, eh? I guess it's better than holding a Melissa Etheridge concert.

*laughter*

Ladies and Gentleman, if you want to know how bad it was before Kurt made it to the NFL, just look at his wife. He actually thought this chick was hot. This guy makes $8 million a year now and his biggest claim to fame is still the fact that his wife invented the Guido haircut.

*laughter*

I see Dick Vermeil is here.

Dick Vermeil, everybody. Dick fucking Vermeil. Dick is the only person on the planet that Nancy Kerrigan has told to stop crying like a bitch.

*laughter*

This guy rode my offense to a Super Bowl win like it was a 17 year old girl drunk on wine coolers and he was Mark Chmura.

*laughter*

But enough with Dick, wouldn't want to hurt his tender feelings. You fucking bitch, Dick Vermeil.

I see Ken Whisenhunt is here.

Ahh, Ken Whisenhunt. The only coach in NFL history to make the playoffs before he got a win outside his division.

*laughter*

Whisenhunt actually got passed over for a black guy. In a fucking recession! Were you working in the NFL or in a fucking shoe factory?

*laughter*

Good God. But enough of that. Let's go to the guest of honor, Brenda Warner.

Where's Brenda...oh! Sorry, Brenda. For a second there I thought you were Aquaman in drag.

*laughter*

What the fuck is up with your hair, Brenda? At least try to look like a woman. The fuck. Regardless, it's nice that Kurt and Brenda are so close. They are so close that Brenda actually showers with Kurt in the locker room after the games. Or at least we're told, since nobody on the team actually noticed.

*laughter*

Nice half sleeves, Brenda. Did you give the other half to Allen Iverson?

*laughter*

In all honestly, Brenda, congratulations on all the good you have done for the community and for Kurt. Your faith is really an inspiration to us all. Kurt owes so much of what he has become to your strength and support.

*applause*

I just hope he sucks your dick tonight to thank you.

*laughter*

Thanks, Coach Martz. I'm sure I speak for everybody when I say I can't wait to see what your offense can accomplish in the Canadian League next year.

*laughter*

Let's welcome our next roaster, Dick Vermeil.

Thanks, Kurt. I'll try not to cry today like I did when I realized that you would be quarterbacking my football team when Trent Green went down.

*laughter*

I still wonder just how good we could have been if we didn't have a shelf-stocker behind center that year.

Thanks for the shoutout, Mike Martz. I think it's remarkable that you have hung around the coaching ranks for this long after singlehandedly destroying so many teams. You are like a staph infection with a headset.

*laughter*

I retired three years ago and I'm still more relevant than you.

I see Larry Fitzgerald made it tonight.

The Predator! Larry Fitzgerald shares a great deal with the movie character, as both are absolutely unstoppable freaks of nature.

Of course, even the Predator in the movie didn't have any restraining orders against him. If you hit defenders as hard as you hit women, you could be Adrian Wilson.

*laughter*

But let's not dilly-dally around. We came here tonight to roast Mrs. Warner.

I know I said I wouldn't cry tonight, but that was before I stared directly at Brenda Warner's face.

*laughter*

Brenda, you really do make a grown man cry. I know you are a very devout religious person, maybe you could give up Supercuts for Lent?

*laughter*

Seriously, Kurt. Kanye would be proud. This is the marriage equivalent of winning the Super Bowl and driving off in a Hyundai.

*laughter*

Brenda, I'm jealous of your faith. I mean, to really think that Kurt isn't out cheating on you after every game? Christ, David Duchovny wouldn't even fuck you.

*laughter*

Thanks, you fucking white-haired vagina.

Brenda, I'm really proud of you for sitting up here and taking this abuse like a man.

*laughter*

Don't let any of these jokers get to you. You've got a fucking blubbering excuse for a head coach and a career offensive coordinator, the likes of whom combined to win one Super Bowl with perhaps the greatest offense of all-time. Mike Martz has killed so many teams that you'd think he was a pilot at Marshall.

*laughter*

I wouldn't have it any other way, Brenda. It's like I'm Dwyane Wade and you are my Star Jones. Or I'm Ashton Kutcher and you are my fucking old ass washed up Demi Moore. I guess I should tone it down, our adopted kids might be watching.

*laughter*

But it wouldn't be fair to do this without giving you a chance to respond, so come on up.

Thanks, Kurt! Let's get this over with quickly so I can get back to fucking Edgerrin James.

*laughter*

I'm just thankful God blessed me with a journeyman quarterback of a husband capable of throwing lob passes to some of the greatest receiving corps in the history of the NFL. One great thing about this season was that we found out how good Jay Fiedler could have been had he been placed in the right situation.

*laughter*

And you, Dick Vermeil...I talk to Jesus, and even He can't tell me why you are such a fucking labia. God damn it, would you stop crying already??? I swear, we'll leave Britney alone.

*laughter*

Mike Martz...you couldn't coach a college senior into an unconscious freshman chick. Mike Singletary took his pants off in the locker room and you made him look like the reasonable coach in San Francisco. Martz, if you killed any more offenses I'd think you were riding shotgun with Leonard Little.

*laughter*

But that's all I've got for today. Sure, I may look like a dude, but I married an NFL quarterback when he was working the shelves at a Hy-Vee. You think we have a pre-nup? Yeah. Fuck that. All I have to do is lay back and hope he can get it up. So all of you can suck my...

*pulls out giant penis*

That's right bitches!

Peace!

Don't just go sucking any dick during the Super Bowl

Greetings again, Floridians, from Governor Charlie Crist. As you are likely aware, Super Bowl XLIII will be coming to our great state shortly, bringing an influx of football fans from the rest of the country to the Tampa Bay area. Steeler fans, Cardinal fans and other assorted football people will be arriving shortly to spend the week before the big game. And, if you are like me, you have but one thing on your mind....tons of fresh dick.

The Cardinals come in hot, having cruised through their three playoff games to make it to the Super Bowl. They are a high-octane pass-happy offense led by Kurt Warner...sound familiar? Shades of the Greatest Show on Turf with this team. But Warner's wide receivers this year may be even better than the great ones he worked with in St. Louis, which is probably a very scary thought for Steelers fans. So, please understand the apprehension they may have if you end up sucking one of their dicks.

The Steelers also come in hot, having won their playoff games. Crazy how both teams in the Super Bowl always seem to be on winning streaks. The Steelers have done it old school with their defense while just getting enough offensive production to win. Led by Troy Polamalu and Defensive MVP James Harrison, the Steelers defense is sure to smother the Cardinals passing game to some degree, especially considering that the Cardinals and their fans are just happy to be here. Remember that when looking for dick...the happy Cardinal fans may indeed be your best option.

But please, don't just go sucking any dick. You have no idea where these dicks have been or where they will be going or even what these fresh new dicks may introduce to the area. Don't just go around sucking dicks as you have become accostomed to...please use some discretion when selecting dicks. I know I will, Florida, and I urge you to do the same. And don't get too infatuated with these new dicks, Floridians. After the Super Bowl ends and the new people leave, we'll still be here and all we'll have is each other. Let's not blow the great things we have going on a bunch of exotic new dicks.

Thank you and have a great week.

Disrespecting the Cardinals

Why not? It's been working well in the past.

And the Cardinals have supposedly been riding this no one believes in us train all the way to the Super Bowl. Now they have been designated as 10-point underdogs! What the f. Surely this disrespect will power them over the Steelers in the Super Bowl. That's a hell of a lot of disrespect, man. They might have a royal disrespect flush with their disrespect cards.

And I'm going to raise.



Jesus doesn't care about your football career, Kurt. Really. He doesn't. He doesn't allow you to complete touchdown passes to Larry Fitzgerald just to smite Asante Samuel. He didn't make you an NFL quarterback because you were so faithful bagging groceries. I'm sure a bunch of other grocery baggers pray like rockstars and still end up bagging groceries. You are just able to throw a ball well. You aren't special. You know who else thinks the Lord made him the football player he is today? Ray Lewis. And he killed two people! Really, outside of the dancing and jazz hands, the only difference between you and Ray Lewis is that Ray's wife doesn't look like a dude.



Get that jizz rag off of your face, Larry. Could catch something from that. And I'm not talking about a touchdown pass.

I'm assuming that torching Sheldon Brown and Quentin Demps on trick plays has you fired up and thinking that you are going to continue to light the world on fire in the Super Bowl. But you won't. Two pretty good catches in the playoffs has the media thinking that you are unquestionably the best wide receiver in the league, but be careful...those same lips that they are blowing you with were just on Whisenhunt like 10 minutes ago. Better get some Valtrex.



Oh, Arizona does have a defensive superstar! Adrian Wilson, the Polamalu of the NFC now that Brian Dawkins is 47 years old and everybody else in the conference sucks. They suck hard enough to cover one of Fitzgerald's catches for a local media outlet. But you, Adrian Wilson...you are so unheralded. "Oh look, I'm Adrian Wilson, nobody talks about me". I feel bad for you. But then I remembered that your team plays in the NFC West. Shaun Hill could make Willie Colon look like a game-changer at safety.



For someone who's like, 6'2" and 230 lbs, you sure have quite the little man complex, Boldin. Just because Fitzgerald's better doesn't mean you have to pout like a little bitch while your team punches their ticket to the Super Bowl. Sneaking out the back during the celebration? I hope you end up as a real superstar in Detroit next year. Wait...they have Calvin Johnson. You'll be up to the same tricks. Plus, wherever you go you are going to lose out on the Arizona steroid pipeline. How do you think Thomas Jones and David Boston got so big?



What happened to you, Edge? You used to be good. Did you just go to Arizona to retire like everyone else? Tommy Maddox didn't even get washed up as quickly as you did. And you are grumbling that you don't like being a backup...please. No one is going to bring you in to start for them. And I'm including Canadian League teams in that group as well.



The Whis! You superstar. How did you do it? How did you take a team that many thought was a sleeper and bring it to the playoffs out of one of the weakest divisions in NFL history?? How did you get your team to regroup and beat shaky Atlanta and Philly teams and accept the gift in the the divisional round from Jake Delhomme after all of those blowouts in December? The Steelers fucked up by letting you go, Whis. How the hell were you able to make an offense work while playing in domes and warm-weather climes armed with only the best WR corps in the league and a former MVP quarterback??? Whis could fix the Steelers in a second. His first move would be to move them to the NFC West.

Fuck Whisenhunt. He took the Cardinals to a 9-7 season, going 6-0 inside his division. Impressive. Now everyone's blowing him. Coach of the year! Who would have expected a team we imagined would challenge for a playoff berth to get a playoff berth! And then fight their way through such a murderer's row in the playoffs. It's not your year, Whisenhunt. Not until you get a defense who's greatest strength is something other than hoping that Donovan McNabb misses every open receiver he has in the first half.


That's what I think about the Cardinals. There should be a disrespect bukkake going on all over their faces right now. Let's hope Jesus put money on your team, Warner.