Disrespecting the Bengals

Uh oh, it's Bengals week! The Bengals! The gayest cats in the NFL, at least until 2012's expansion "Los Angeles Longhaired Tabbies"!

I forgot to disrespect the Bears last week, and look what happened. Jeff Reed shanked some kicks, Santonio Holmes dropped some passes, and James Harrison did not kill one single Asian family with his bare hands. Well, I'm not gonna make that mistake again. Fuck you, the Bengals. The trendy upset pick. But why? Because they almost beat a shoddy-looking Denver team? Because they did everything they could to lose to the Packers before getting saved by a false start penalty? The same Packers that were 8-8 last year and only beat Chicago by 1 IN SPITE OF GETTING FOUR INTERCEPTIONS!?!?!? Fuck that. Steelers beat these homos by 30.

But, just to try and keep it close, I'm going to throw out some stuff for the Bengal DISRESPECT BOARD!

Carson Palmer, you fucking idiot. Did you actually think this ad was going to just kind of slide by unnoticed? Whatever. It would have gotten even more play if you didn't start to suck immediately following Kemo ruining your knee back in aught six. Poor Carson. You could have been somebody! That could have been your Super Bowl! But, no, it's not, and you are relegated for playing a revamped, law-abiding team that chemistry-ed their way to a 4-12 season last year. But hey, bang-up job to start this season. 4 picks already. Looks like you are playing the role of the wise, wily veteran. Ike Taylor's open. Fuck. He dropped it. Try again.

 

 

Ochocinco. Where to start. You couldn't even change your name correctly! I hope you respond to this via Twitter. And I hope that when you say you are "Twittering" that it doesn't have anything to do with 12-year old girls, although that's suspect. Anyway, huge 55 catch season last year. You're still a huge weapon. Averaging like 8 yards a game career against Pittsburgh. You beat a horse in a race but had about a 100-yard head start. Who would be proud of that? "Hey, I just beat Carson Palmer in a race jacking off dudes, and he only spotted me 10 dicks!". Wow. Congrats. You're Ochocinco.

Keith Rivers! I bet your jaw is still too sore to blow Hines Ward, but unfortunately I don't believe you'll have a choice. It was nice of your fellow linebackers to stand up for you, though. They are still coming to get you, Hines! Watch out! At least you'll have some help from an old teammate...

Rey Maualuga! I'm sorry, Rey, but no one is asking about your hair with their eyes. I'm sure you wash and conidition, though. I wouldn't ever doubt that and I'm sorry if I insinuated as much. Whatever. Who cares about Rey Maualuga?

Marvin Motherfucking Lewis. The general. The warden, as he's been called. Because Bengals in jail! jokes are funny. They are the new Bengals really suck at football! jokes. However, both are applicable now. You must be really proud, Marvin. You defensive guru, you. Anybody could be a defensive guru coming from Baltimore. However, your defense continues to consistently suck, to the point where holding Green Bay to 28 marks like a renaissance year or something like that. That's not good. The defense is not "back". Antwan Odom had 5 sacks because nobody touched him. He's like a bargain-bin Joey Porter. Those two would wreak some serious havoc together, provided nobody touches either of them. Fuck you.

Fuck you all, The Bengals. You suck, you have sucked, and you always will suck. On the field, in the shower, everywhere. Homos.

Disrespecting the Titans

Ohhh, look at you Keith Bulluck, stomping on that $3 towel. Crushing an entire fanbase's dreams below your feet. Whatever. Am I supposed to care? The Towel is cool and all but I don't view it with the same reverence as many, I guess. Hey Lendale, that's great that you are going to stomp on the Terrible Towel again if you win, because after you lose, James Harrison is going to choke the fuck out of Jeff Fisher's wife.

Get fired up, people. It's that time of year again. Time to derail the disrespect train off of the motivation tracks on its way to Nobody-Believed-In-Us-Ville. This should surely spur the Titans to victory, unlike the shocking Steeler victories in the face of grave disrespect last season against the likes of San Diego, Baltimore and Arizona, no? We'll see. In the meantime, it's time to tell Justin Gage just how obvious it is that he flosses his teeth with Kyle Vanden Bosch's pubes while the ghost of Steve McNair jacks off in the background.





Lendale, LenFail, LenWhale, LenStale, TouchMales, whatever. A name conducive to nicknames that people think are funny but when you look at them, they really aren't. But that's not important. Whale, the reason nobody cares about you stomping on the towel is not because you gave up Patron and dick to lose 30 lbs and aren't going to do irreparable damage to its structural integrity...no, it's because you are the backup running back and nobody cares what you say. You can counter that you scored 15 TDs last year, but that's really only going to offend Chris Johnson. Regardless, I don't James Harrison is going to care either way what you guys want to name yourselves. Smash and Dash, Pound and Ground, Fuck and Suck, whatever. You might end up with 15 TDs this year as well. One in each game. Starting next week.





Hey, Kerry Collins. Nice to see you are still around. Huge 12 TDs last year, man. Really earned that contract. Beat out Vince Young! The future! Now you are "The Present". Or more likely, "The Stopgap". That's great that you aren't an alcoholic anymore, and I guess you've helped LenBraille out in that regard as well. Now maybe you can turn your attention towards Young and actually accomplish something this year, because you sure as hell aren't going to do anything meaningful in the games except maybe not completely fuck up, you pale grey motherfucker. You look like a Republican version of Kordell Stewart.






:(

Damn it, is it football season again? I have to change my Myspace mood status to "disconsolate". Maybe throw a tear in there as well.

"Vince is ;("


PERFECT! *submit*






Don't think I forgot about you, Mr. Bulluck. The heart and soul of this defense, which would be great if you were writing songs or screenplays or something. But no matter how much of your soul you pour into your play and no matter how much of your heart you leave out there on the field, it's not going to help you tackle Mendenhall. That is, if you don't get blocked now that Haynesworth is paralyzing people with his Ferrari up in Washington now. But keep stomping on towels. That will help you cover Heath Miller, if Heath Miller were a towel.






Jeez, Titans, you guys are really getting up there in age. Kevin Mawae is still alive? I would have figured he'd be fucking Esera Tuaolo by now. The stalwart of the Titans O-Line, Kevin Mawae looks to snap some serious balls this year. To Kerry Collins. Really exciting offense this year in Tennessee. If it weren't for Chris Johnson, their games would probably be on CSPAN this year. Is Jim Inhofe going to be the offensive coordinator this year? He'll probably be appalled by the gayness of Nate Washington's mohawk.






And finally, coach Jeff Fisher. Looking more homeless than Kerry Collins on his worst day. Loving the leather jacket. You know what, this isn't funny, Google Image Search. Not funny at all. I ask you for Jeff Fisher, and you come back to me with a guy who obviously sells control valves. Yeah, the jokes on me, huh? Didn't think I'd realize it, did you? So fuck you, Google. Fuck you and fuck Sergey Brin. And Jeff Fisher. And Michael Roos. And Bud Adams. And every single member of the Tennessee Titans. Put it on your bulletin boards, bitches.

Disrespecting the Red Wings

Detroit, currently fighting a rampant epidemic that has covered the area in AIDS. Even the lakes have AIDS. The situation appears far from being under control as a virulent strain of Canadian AIDS has appeared in recent months.


By now, if you read these, you know my feelings on disrespect. Notably the belief that fans and writers and even opposing players and ANYONE can disrespect a team without said team getting some gay intangible performance boost from the fuel of this disrespect. So, with that having been typed, I am going to douse the Red Wings in a golden shower of unabashed disrespect.




YOU! Coach Mike Babcock! Stop looking at me like I'm a 10-year-old Thai boy, you cocktaster. I don't know what kind of atmosphere you promote over there in AIDStown to get players to take lesser contracts in order to join or stay, but I can only assume it involves more reacharounds than wraparounds. And probably a good bit of glory holes as well. I hope Hossa's balls taste Czech enough for you, Pube Waddell.




And of course you, Benedict Hossa. Taking the slight discount and one-year contract to play for the Wings because they had the best chance to win the Cup, you said. Well all it has gotten you now is the best chance to get AIDS. Remember the playoffs last year when you had like, 2 good games? You Slovak cockhoarder. Here's to you laying on the ice and crying for the second time. You are like the NHL's Nancy Kerrigan!




Valtteri Filppula, pushing a grocery cart full of strawberry douche and doing what he does best...looking gay enough to pounce on the nearest cock, which is just what all Red Wings fans would be doing if they weren't busy blowing the overrated ghost of Steve Yzerman's legacy. Valterri Filppula epitomizes the term 'd-bag'. He oozes Finnish vaginal cream. Really, this homo by himself is enough to make Henry Ford himself hate the fucking Red Wings.




Ooooohhh, Niklas Lidstrom. Ohhh, I'm so old. OMG, I'm Swedish but can speak good English. I'm so good at hockey. Oh my God, my jersey C has a cock in it. YEAH WELL FUCK YOU LIDSTROM. You can't even spell your first name right. Niklas? Who do you think you are, Valtteri Filppula? At least he comes from a land of magical pube castles and jizz luges...what the hell is your excuse? You are such a Red Wing. Carrying Yzerman's legacy forward. Who cares...you think that's going to keep me from disrespecting you? I don't care how likable you may be, you can like some Malkin balls right on your eyes, you dripping triple-layer vagina cake. Fuck you and the little Swedish town you came from (which turns out to be a small village by the name of Västerås which has a population of 107,500 like-minded Swedish assbreathers).


And there are so many more, be it Kronwall or Chelios (holy f, he's 47) or Osgood or Franzen or Datsyuk or whoever. I wouldn't even consider Conklin a traitor because he didn't really have much choice but fuck him, too. Why? BECAUSE FUCK THE RED WINGS, that's why. Fuck all of them. I hate these commie looking taintslammers. The Penguins are going to beat the fuck out of these homos and they can write it on their bulletin board. "Random blogger disrespects the fuck out of the Red Wings". Great. Put it up. Fuck all of you. And I certainly have enough disrespect to go around that I could accomplish that. Homos.

Disrespecting the Hurricanes

Of course I had to go with the gay blingy logo from "butterfunk.com", a place where you know you are going to see some pure, unabashed gayness.

Perfect for the revival of one of the few recurring themes here on You Lay On The Ice...the segment whereby I disrespect a fresh opponent of a Pittsburgh-based sporting team. In this case, the Carolina Hurricanes, who are set to play the Penguins in a best-of-7 series to find out which Staal will get mentioned as the other Staal's brother most frequently. My guess is Marc.

Ok, the Hurricanes...try not to make this too easy. You really are already digging yourselves a hole with your gay ass name...the fucking Carolina Hurricanes? How many hurricanes do you get in Carolina? And which Carolina? I had to Wikipedia your gay ass team just to find out where it plays. And guess what the answer is? Charleston, SC? No. Charlotte, NC? No. Fucking Raleigh. YOU PLAY HOCKEY IN RALEIGH, NORTH CAROLINA, you sperm-filled-tortilla-eating cocktorquers. Do hurricanes even hit Raleigh? I mean, I guess there's a chance...let's see. From Wiki:

"Raleigh experienced significant damage from Hurricane Hazel in 1954."

"Also in 1996, Hurricane Fran struck the area, causing massive flooding and extensive structural damage."

Wow, two of them! They caused flooding! Extensive structural damage! Miami scoffs at you, Carolina Hurricanes. New Orleans is laughing AT you. Galveston thinks you are a bunch of emo douchebags. Why don't you go play in a league with the Salt Lake City Raging Sexparties and the Vatican City Somnambulant Meth Addicts? Seems more fitting. Raleigh, you better watch your ass in 2038! A CATEGORY ONE HURRICANE NAMED AFTER AN 86-YEAR OLD WOMAN IS GOING TO BE COMING STRAIGHT FOR YOU!!!!!!!

Well, until they change their name to something fitting like the Carolina Backwoods Paint-Huffers, I'll have to focus on the individual players.



Hey, Cam Ward, you leap-year born cocksmoker! Remember, though, just because you are only about 6-years old when counting leap years does not mean you can touch 6-year-old boys, so get rid of the pedophile beard. Or keep it and keep looking like a walking embodiement of Fetal Alcohol Syndrome; your choice. Either way you can feel free sit on that trophy that you are holding.

Regardless, let's hope that another fluky goal by your team steals a victory for you and makes people think that you are actually good.



Hey, Erik Cole, nice Stanley Cup! I bet your Amish wife tries to fuck it when you aren't around, likely out at a local gay establishment and holding the same "fuck me in my acid-washed jeans" pose that you are displaying here. You look more brokeback than broke neck, regardless of what Brooks Orpik has to say about it.

Speaking of your broke neck, I know you want to be a badass and say you don't want to hear Brooks Orpik's apology and you'd rather wait until you play against him and tell him that he better watch out because you are seriously going to slap him so hard, but...you aren't. Look at you! You already had one terrible fight with Orpik and got de-shirted like a bitch. Nobody wants to hear about your broken neck anymore. The only reason it is even still a storyline is because your team plays in Raleigh, NC. Hits like the one that put you into the boards happen all the time, so please, take your tampon out immediately or you are going to end up with TSS.




And finally, you, Eric Staal. You just have to be related to a current Penguins player so we have to hear your gay ass name and read nothing but "OMG Staal brothers drinking game!!!!" posts all over the internet about how everyone should chug a Zima when the announcers mention how you cockslapped your brother Jordan back in Thunder Bay in 1994. Well, you know what, Eric Staal? I'm going to drink my Zima at my own fucking pace, that's what. I don't care how many times you and Jordan are mentioned or someone talks about your brother Marc and how his parents spelled his name like they intended for him to experiment with penises or any of this. Zdeno Chara make you a non-factor in the previous series against Boston and I'm sure Gonchar, Orpik, et. al. will have no problem replicating this feat. And you know what? If I have to chug my Zima for that to happen, then I'm fucking doing it right now. Delicious. That was a few degrees from ordinary.

So fuck you, Carolina Hurricanes. Your fluke Stanley Cup from outlasting a garbage Oilers squad in 2006 is in the past. Marty Brodeur is not the opposing goalie in this series. This one isn't going 7 games. And once the Pens win, it will prove once again that bulletin-board material and perceived disrespect and all of that jazz means absolutely nothing.

Disrespecting the Cardinals

Why not? It's been working well in the past.

And the Cardinals have supposedly been riding this no one believes in us train all the way to the Super Bowl. Now they have been designated as 10-point underdogs! What the f. Surely this disrespect will power them over the Steelers in the Super Bowl. That's a hell of a lot of disrespect, man. They might have a royal disrespect flush with their disrespect cards.

And I'm going to raise.



Jesus doesn't care about your football career, Kurt. Really. He doesn't. He doesn't allow you to complete touchdown passes to Larry Fitzgerald just to smite Asante Samuel. He didn't make you an NFL quarterback because you were so faithful bagging groceries. I'm sure a bunch of other grocery baggers pray like rockstars and still end up bagging groceries. You are just able to throw a ball well. You aren't special. You know who else thinks the Lord made him the football player he is today? Ray Lewis. And he killed two people! Really, outside of the dancing and jazz hands, the only difference between you and Ray Lewis is that Ray's wife doesn't look like a dude.



Get that jizz rag off of your face, Larry. Could catch something from that. And I'm not talking about a touchdown pass.

I'm assuming that torching Sheldon Brown and Quentin Demps on trick plays has you fired up and thinking that you are going to continue to light the world on fire in the Super Bowl. But you won't. Two pretty good catches in the playoffs has the media thinking that you are unquestionably the best wide receiver in the league, but be careful...those same lips that they are blowing you with were just on Whisenhunt like 10 minutes ago. Better get some Valtrex.



Oh, Arizona does have a defensive superstar! Adrian Wilson, the Polamalu of the NFC now that Brian Dawkins is 47 years old and everybody else in the conference sucks. They suck hard enough to cover one of Fitzgerald's catches for a local media outlet. But you, Adrian Wilson...you are so unheralded. "Oh look, I'm Adrian Wilson, nobody talks about me". I feel bad for you. But then I remembered that your team plays in the NFC West. Shaun Hill could make Willie Colon look like a game-changer at safety.



For someone who's like, 6'2" and 230 lbs, you sure have quite the little man complex, Boldin. Just because Fitzgerald's better doesn't mean you have to pout like a little bitch while your team punches their ticket to the Super Bowl. Sneaking out the back during the celebration? I hope you end up as a real superstar in Detroit next year. Wait...they have Calvin Johnson. You'll be up to the same tricks. Plus, wherever you go you are going to lose out on the Arizona steroid pipeline. How do you think Thomas Jones and David Boston got so big?



What happened to you, Edge? You used to be good. Did you just go to Arizona to retire like everyone else? Tommy Maddox didn't even get washed up as quickly as you did. And you are grumbling that you don't like being a backup...please. No one is going to bring you in to start for them. And I'm including Canadian League teams in that group as well.



The Whis! You superstar. How did you do it? How did you take a team that many thought was a sleeper and bring it to the playoffs out of one of the weakest divisions in NFL history?? How did you get your team to regroup and beat shaky Atlanta and Philly teams and accept the gift in the the divisional round from Jake Delhomme after all of those blowouts in December? The Steelers fucked up by letting you go, Whis. How the hell were you able to make an offense work while playing in domes and warm-weather climes armed with only the best WR corps in the league and a former MVP quarterback??? Whis could fix the Steelers in a second. His first move would be to move them to the NFC West.

Fuck Whisenhunt. He took the Cardinals to a 9-7 season, going 6-0 inside his division. Impressive. Now everyone's blowing him. Coach of the year! Who would have expected a team we imagined would challenge for a playoff berth to get a playoff berth! And then fight their way through such a murderer's row in the playoffs. It's not your year, Whisenhunt. Not until you get a defense who's greatest strength is something other than hoping that Donovan McNabb misses every open receiver he has in the first half.


That's what I think about the Cardinals. There should be a disrespect bukkake going on all over their faces right now. Let's hope Jesus put money on your team, Warner.

Disrespecting the Ravens

Last week I discussed the extreme ball-chappiness resultant from a meaningless playing of the disrespect card. And today, after the "can't beat a team three times in one season" card was played, I am feeling exceptionally chapped in the balls. So, to help alleviate this painful condition, I am going to disrespect the fuck out of the Ravens and that Grand Theft Auto game of a city they play in.

So suck it, Baltimore. Suck it long and hard and try not to give me any herpes even though it is your chief export. When I saw M&T Bank Stadium full before the December football game that the two teams played I could have sworn that someone was filming the world's largest Valtrex commercial. Sure, the Steelers had to make things for their offensive line simpler last week, but at least they didn't need to worry about Simplex. But I'm fresh out of STD humor. Let's get down to disrespecting the Ravens.



Hey, it's Joe Flacco! When Cascada wrote "Everytime We Touch", she was thinking about your eyebrows. Really, you should be married to Philip Rivers' wife. And you are a superstar now that you've carried your team through the playoffs, hitting a smoking 20 of 45 attempts? I congratulate you on not throwing any interceptions in the postseason. If it weren't for a complete self-destruction by the Titans, you would have valiantly carried your team to a somewhat respectable loss. But at least you are ugly enough to serve as a decoy while Ray Lewis runs around murdering people outside of his limosine.



Terrell Suggs, continuing the Raven tradition of being the ugliest players in the NFL. Makes sense why they would all dance so much to feel pretty. Suggs mentioned this year that the Ravens had a bounty on Hines Ward and backed it up by completely disappearing when they played the game. Made the Pro Bowl this year by openly campaigning for it in interviews. Considers Ray Lewis a mentor. A lot to not like here. Only had 8 sacks this year, but he said it was because he was becoming a more complete player. So of course he had 68 huge tackles to go along with them. You are so complete, Suggs. Maybe Ray has been teaching him how to get completely wiped out of a play by a single blocker.



Bart Scott! You role player. Think you are such a superstar, though...it's that Ray Lewis and Ed Reed in you. At least Ed Reed is a superstar. You are like the DJ Clue of linebackers, always talking yet never actually doing the substantial work. You have one big hit and you think you are a star. Youtube has videos of both Hines Ward and Jamal Lewis blowing Bart Scott the fuck up. The Ravens bounty is really paying dividends!


And you, Ray-Ray. God's Linebacker. The jester of this defense. Jumping on more piles than a San Francisco orgy. Murdering people. Getting away with it. Turning to Jesus. Apparently hearing Jesus say, "it's ok my Son, for I will forgive you for killing two people if you go out there and dance and show your jazz hands and run around and tackle people". And Ray jumped on piles, and his sin's were forgiven. What a cross to bear, being the official linebacker of God. A lot of pressure. But Ray-Ray can handle it. When you hear him speak, even though you can't understand a fucking thing that he is saying...you just know that the man has a passion for whatever the hell it is that he actually does. You were Krieder's bitch and Bettis' bitch. OLD BETTIS! Old Bettis made you his bitch. You should have retired right there, but I guess it was against the terms of your probation. Ray Lewis is like a birth control pill...put one on him and he's blocked 99% of the time. But keep yelling, Ray. You'll get your chance to run across the sidelines and stop a runner dead in his tracks 8 yards down field.


So fuck all of the Ravens. I am disrespecting the entire team. Fuck John Harbaugh, who is retarded enough that he is on record as saying he wouldn't take any other QB in the league over Joe Flacco. Fuck Ed Reed. Fuck Derrick Mason. Fuck all of them.

Go Steelers.