I need to write something

POGS!

I don't really know what I'd classify this blog as, but I guess that after looking through most of the recent posts that I have to lean towards a sports blog. And I'm only calling it a blog because it's on Blogger. Normally I'd call it a "site". Fuck blogs.

Regardless, that would explain why I have absolutely nothing to write about. February sucks for sporting events. Plus, I haven't been hit on by any cougars within the past few days at Lums, accosted by any homeless people outside of Hess gas stations, or received any texts from junior high school girls asking me to meet them for appletinis recently. So WTF indeed, man.

And, they are making me do work at work. I've never been part of any all-male bukkake session, so I can't even comprehend how gay it is that they are doing this. I'm imagining it is very gay. I'm talking George Michael singing a ballad about tangled penises gay. This work precluded me from doing a Peter King rundown yesterday. Note: Peter King is still a pissdrinker.

Hopefully, I can get it together soon. I know the eyes of the world are upon You Lay on the Ice Like a Broad. AND YLOTILAB WILL DELIVER!!!!

Go and fuck yourself, Broadcrest Foothill Apartment Homes

You have to be kidding me. I really don't believe this. Barack Obama could fly down to my house in his Hopecopter right now, slide out the red change carpet, hover to my door and personally tell me this and I still wouldn't believe it. I'd be like, Barry, you need to float your ass back to DC and bail out some more dead-end industries with our tax money, because I don't believe a word you are saying.

And then, Barry would swear on the Hope Diamond that "yes, Vern, this apartment complex is trying to charge a chick that was brutally murdered for breaking the terms of her lease. They say she didn't give 'sufficient notice to vacate'". Holy hell...let's just lay out what is going on here. A lady's ex-husband went absolutely crazy and set fire to her sister's house during a Christmas party they were having. He killed seven, including his ex-wife, her sister, and her sister's son. Her sister and her sister's son were the ones who were living in this apartment. They were killed on Christmas. And now, a month later, the apartment complex sends a $2,500 bill to the lady's husband for violating the lease. Are you kidding me? Are you standing there, holding me up at gunpoint, and pissing all over my face? Because I feel piss splashing on my face right now. You better not be pissing on my face.

I have no idea how anybody at this apartment complex can be this heartless and stupid. It has to be an oversight. Really...it has to. I'm now going to write up a letter that says if I get killed I plan on vacating the apartment that day and I'm going to send it to the leasing office. I just can't see how something like this happens. I mean, this is more improbable than the Arizona Cardinals making the Super Bowl and someone actually beating Street Fighter II with Zangeif COMBINED.

So go ahead, Broadcrest Foothill Apartments. Go and fuck yourself long and hard. Here's a list of objects I would recommend fucking yourselves with:

- A rolled up copy of the lease that the woman had signed

- The firehose that had to be brought in to extinguish the fire

- Reggie Bush's Heisman trophy

- One of Debbie Gibson's "Electric Youth" CDs

- A radiation-poisoned bedpost left behind after the Chernobyl explosion

- Barbaro's broken leg

- Anything with AIDS on it


That should be a good start. What a bunch of homos.

Martin Cizmar's Comedy Corner!!!

I believe that large man in the picture above is Martin Cizmar, and even if I am incorrect in this assumption I'm just going to pretend that it's him. Regardless, the man is not important because of his visage, but instead because of the lolzy comedy writing he did for the Phoenix News before the recent Super Bowl. Martin is the kind of guy who wakes up and immediately pours some Lolgers into his cup. The kind of guy who used to scare himself straight watching Loltergeist. The kind of guy who immediately upon starting a Madden franchise changes Kyle Boller's name to Kyle Loller. That kind of guy. Let's see what he has to send us all into lolspasms.




As a Cleveland Browns fan, I've spent lots of time trash-talking Steelers faithful.

I can't wait. Let's see what you can come up with.


Cardinals fans are, mostly, peaceful people, unaccustomed to the level of hostility they'll encounter in any run-in with members of the yellow-and black brigade.

Cardinals fans are, for the most part, very grandmotherly creatures. They are likely to be caught off guard by fans of an opposing team attempting to insult the team that they themselves are fans of.




Here are some insults you can use so you don't resort to taunting them about the weather like a fucking idiot:

Oh snap, Martin. Let's see if you can make my grandma into something other than a fucking idiot.




"Hey, glad they let you off your shift in the coal mine to watch this game! You must have seniority!"

HA! Fucking ha, Martin! BURN! Because we used to make steel in the '60s! From Monday through Friday! Which would give even the steel-making interns the day off! STEEL! RUST!




"Iron City's the shittiest beer ever brewed, perfect for washing down those French fry sandwiches at Primanti Brothers."

Oh no. Martin went there. Making fun of a beer that people already recognize is not the greatest beer. And get this...you can wash down those barroom sandwiches with this domestic bar-type beer every time you go to a bar!




"You know what separates Cardinals fans from Steelers fans?" Then, open your mouth, point to your teeth and say, "They're all real, baby!"

Uh oh. The tooth joke. The fucking tooth joke. FRESH. It's like you picked these jokes up at a farmer's market, Marty. Because in Pittsburgh, we don't have our teeth. Because we don't have toothbrushes. This is opposed to Arizonans, who despite averaging a cool 107 years of age have teeth that would make Joe Biden jealous.




"Did you borrow those pants from Kordell?" (Steelers fans get fightin' mad when you invoke Kordell Stewart, the former Steelers QB who was long rumored to be gay, even though he denies it and is married).

Holy fuck do we hate gays. And blacks. Especially a gay black quarterback. Sure to rile me up if I ever decide to go out while wearing football pants. Also, Charlie Crist and Rock Hudson were both married. I bet you are, too.



"Man, Willie Parker's running well. Your uncle Billy Bob must have cooked him up some of the good meth before the game!"

Wow. I don't even know where to start here. Arizona is one of the methiest states in the motherfucking union, Martin. Think I'm making that up? No. I did what we in the backwoods hickwater town of Pittsburgh refer to as a "Google Search". Here, check it out for yourself. I'll even post the graphic here:


That graphic lists the percentage of people aged 12 and up who reported meth use in 2004 and 2005. Look at your bright meth-magenta colored state there, Martin. And that doesn't even include all the 6 year olds who are presumably getting an early start in chemistry. Also, meth would not help a running back perform. It would actually likely impede his performance. And, Jamal Lewis went to jail for selling coke.



"Did yinz see that? Did yinz see that? Wow, I hope yinz saw Larry "Sticky Fingers" Fitzgerald catch that ball!"

Yinz! Wow. All you drunken Native Americans can have a field day in your adobe huts making fun of the work "yinz". It's comedic gold. Never been done before. "I wish I had thought of it first", somebody once said about making fun of "yinz" in 1927.



"Is that one of them official Terrible Towels or just the rag your mother uses to mop up the video booth after her shift?"

No, that's a Shamwow. It's much more absorbent than a terrible towel.




"How many generations of inbreeding do you think it took Bill Cowher's family to get a kid with a chin like his?" (Cowher's no longer the Steelers' coach, but he won the last Super Bowl and is God in P-burgh.)

People don't care that much about Cowher. The new head coach goes by the name "Mike". I'm currently doing some research to determine whether inbreeding is considered to be partly responsible for prominent chins, but I'm hitting a bit of a wall because I can't read.




"Big Ben's not gonna to remember his mama's face if he takes another big hit. He'll be hugging the first wrinkled skank in cut-offs he sees."

No....Big Ben gets hit a lot joke! Where do you get this fucking stuff? Oh, Mark Schlereth mentioned it on Sunday Night Countdown in week 3. Fair enough.



"You're drinking beer out of a cup? Security must've taken your Mason jar."

Ha! Take that, Pittsburg, Arkansas! I have never ever even seen a Mason jar in Pittsburgh.




"Don't go back to your car; I heard 'Dookie' Davenport's in there!" (Former Steelers running back Najeh Davenport did community service after he was charged with breaking in to a sleeping coed's dorm room and taking a dump in her closet.)

HA! Najeh Davenport dueced in your car! Jokes that you have to consistently explain kill! THEY FUCKING KILL! I heard Scott Peterson told a bunch of them to Laci.




"Man, I'm surprised you can cheer so loud with black lung!" (Any authentic Steelers fan's got at least a cousin or two who's died from the terrible disease.)

Uhhhh....maybe, MAYBE, if you wrote this column in 1948 this would be true. But, you know, there are safety measures and stuff to make sure every steel worker doesn't die of the terrible black lung.


But whatevs. Let me give you some pointers, Arizonans. Some insults to use just in case you come across Marty Cizmar and don't want to look like a fucking idiot:


- "Hey Marty, maybe you should wear a white shirt next time so the stains aren't as visible when you are lactating."

- "Marty, maybe you would sell more girl scout cookies if you let your daughter wear the uniform instead."

- "Hey Martin, nice beard. Do you think I would be hotter if I was Jon Benet Ramsey?"

- "Martin, you should probably lose some weight. You look like a bukkake circle."

- "Martin, I can't find my couch. Where did you get that shirt?"

- "Marty, even anorexia can't make a girl look as skinny as standing next to you can."


Really, Martin. Cleveland? Pittsburgh without the actual historical significance? The Browns? I don't even need to make fun of the Browns. You'd already look like an idiot once you put their jersey on.

Thanks to Cotter at One For The Thumb for the heads up.

Peter

This is it! The last Peter King column that follows a relevant game for the next 8 months. Unless you are looking forward to his breakdown of the Pro Bowl...in which case, please leave my internets.

Take it from here, Peter.



After a surprise deluge leaves players and staff drenched, 78-year-old owner Dan Rooney walks the sidelines with a towel for headgear, warding off the light rain that lingers. He looks, quite frankly, bizarre. "Hey, Mr. Rooney,'' calls out Hines Ward, with a mischievous smile, from 20 yards away. "You with the Taliban?''

Hilar!



On Thursday, safety Anthony Smith did double and triple blackflips to entertain the defensive backs during a practice lull. When British-born practice-squad receiver Marvin Allen caught and ran about 40 yards with a scout-team pass, Ward shouted, "Long live the King! Wait -- there's no King in England, is there? Well, long live somebody over there!''

Is Peter King trying to prove that Hines Ward is not very funny?

Marvin Allen immediately responded to Ward by making his eyes thin and saying "me get open! Me catch ball long time!".



Ray Lewis said this week that his free-agent future is none of our business, that it's between him and God. "What I'm thinking, nobody needs to know,'' Lewis said. Well, you're in the wrong business and making the wrong kind of ridiculous money to expect that to be a reality, Ray, but good luck keeping it private.

This is going to be coming as a screenplay here shortly, I bet. I just need the motivation.




4. Philadelphia (11-7-1). Rehab, recover, rest, Jim Johnson. Melanoma is nothing to be taken lightly, as you well know. And for all the rest of you coaches and players who spend hours and hours in the sun without protection (and for you kids going to the tanning salon for those fake prom tans), I implore you to heed this warning: The sun can seriously injure you. Respect it.

Are you fucking serious? "Hey, Jim Johnson, this is Peter King. Hey, I don't know what actual doctors have told you, Jim, but melanoma is a type of cancer and you shouldn't ignore it. See ya". What the fuck? Hey, kids who apparently have been sheltered from all types of media and also adequate parenting...the sun? Yeah. It can burn you and stuff. Don't stare at it. Hey kids...gun? You know about guns? Yeah. Don't play with them. They can shoot bullets at you. Don't fuck the homeless, kids. They are dirty.



5. Tennessee (13-4). Sign Kerry.

Hear that, Tennessee Titans GM? Peter King just broke it the fuck down for you.




9. San Diego (9-9). Just remember this, all you who are warm and fuzzy about LaDainian Tomlinson and want to see him stay a Charger 'til he's 47: With running backs, the drop is always precipitous, and it always comes sooner than you wish it did.

Wow, that is just fresh insight. So fresh. Again, if sportswriting were things you could put in your mouth, Peter King would be like, 8 rolls of Mentos. Who is not aware of this fact? If Dr. Phil taped his shows on current events and then aired them 4 years later, they would sound kind of like this.



12. Atlanta (11-6). The Sporting News got it right, naming Thomas Dimitroff executive of the year, with all due respect to Bill Parcells in Miami.

Peter, I know you are trying, but it's gonna take a lot more than that to quiet all the outrage that I've heard over the 'executive of the year' race.




13. Minnesota (10-7). Fans want Matt Cassel. Wilfs want a stadium.

Fans want Nissan Z's. Wilfs want a year supply of Tombstone pizzas.

Fans want a cure for the common cold. Wilfs just want to have fun.

Fans want more cowbell. Wilfs want more attention to be paid to Darfur.

I don't get it. Is Matt Cassel the first NFL player ever that is going to demand 'stadium money'? Will he only play for stadiums? I'm perplexed.



"I would like to thank everyone who supported me to get into the NFL Hall of Fame -- the Dallas Cowboy organization, all my teammates, and everyone who played for the Cowboys. Thanks to the committee who voted for me, and also for the ones who might not have. Tell all my teammates I love them. And just thank everyone in the whole world.''
-- Bob Hayes' sister, Lucille Hester, reading from a letter Hayes wrote shortly before his death in 2002. Hayes, the speedy Dallas receiver, was elected to the Hall on Saturday.

Whoops.




I've stated my position often on Tagliabue. He's the only modern major sports czar to lord over a game since 1980 and never have a strike during his tenure; Pete Rozelle had three strikes in his last 17 years, Tagliabue none in his 17. He got the first serious drug-testing and steroid-testing policies written into the CBA. He founded the Diversity Committee when the league couldn't get a black coach hired; under Dan Rooney's direction, the committee made major strides, and 13 franchise in Tagliabue's reign hired minority coaches. The game enjoyed unparalleled success in his reign.

I just don't get it. Why is not having a major strike such a fucking success? You've got the biggest sport in the country, making millions upon millions of dollars, and not fucking this up is supposed to be the number one criteria on which success is to be judged? Hey owners...go fuck yourselves, someone else will buy your team. Hey players, the same goes for you. HALL OF FAME!



The 44 Hall of Fame selectors get lots of literature to digest about the candidates each year. In the "personal'' section of the final media-guide bio about Miami guard Bob Kuechenberg (who failed to gain entry Saturday) was this line: "As a child, rode in gunnysack on father's back in rodeo clown act.''

I swear, Peter King would LOL at anything.

Something out of Curb Your Enthusiasm happened to me down here. Because of an NBC dinner, I had to jilt a couple of SI.com pals, Donnie Brasco Banks and Andrew Perloff, at dinner Monday night at Capital Grille near our hotel, the Renaissance. Swell guy that I am, and knowing there wouldn't be much I'd have to pay for all week, I decided to pick up their dinner check. So I point over to the table in the densely packed restaurant and the waiter brings me a check, and I pay it.

Baller.

The next day, I'm surprised Brasco and Perloff aren't pleased about their free meal. Then Banks tell me he paid for his meal. Perplexing. So I call the restaurant. Stewart the manager investigates and finds out the waiter brought me the wrong check. This check was for the table of Merrill Hoge and Mark Schlereth of ESPN. "What?'' I say, and I'm told because Hoge and Schlereth are in TV and I'm in TV, ipso fatso (as Ralph Kramden used to say), the waiter thought that was the table I pointed to. I said no, I had no intention of buying the dinner for those fine but well-compensated fellows.

You are all well-compensated, cocktablet.

Now we were in an interesting situation. I'm out $175 for a dinner I intended to buy, but for different people. Stewart and I reached a nice compromise: With the Banks/Perloff spouses coming to town Thursday, the restaurant would pick up the first $150 of their tab. Good deal.

The dinner date takes place ... and the Capital Grille picks up the entire tab.

Now that is some great, grand gesture. All you corporate Capital Grillers on the main office in Restaurantville, USA, take note: You have a superb staff at the Tampa location.

Is Peter King just pissing all over the recession? Make it fucking rain, Peter. Hey all, if the Capital Grille completely fucks up your request, they'll try to fix it. That is, if you are rich enough to afford to even give them a request to fuck up, you peasants.

d. I was not with Mike Holmgren in the Pirate Ship last night during the game, but I bet as a few close calls went Pittsburgh's way, he said something to the effect of, "I've seen this movie before.''

Like when that hold was called on Justin Hartwig to turn a big first down into a safety. Holmgren was probably flipping out there.

4. I think the comparison is slightly faulty, because he isn't exactly a balletic football player, but Santonio Holmes is to the 2008 Steelers what Lynn Swann was to the seventies Steelers.

I think the comparison is slightly faulty, because my grandparents' whip isn't exactly an Italian supercar, but the Toyota Avalon is the Lamborghini Gallardo of midsize sedans.

Really. That's about as valid a comparison as Holmes and Swann. They are nothing alike. You might as well compare Ja Rule's lyrics to Russian steel factories.

Homer Jones has long since been forgotten, but compare his first five significant years to Hayes' first five significant ones (1965-69) and tell me how Hayes is a much better player.

The zone defense was created largely for the purpose of stopping Bob Hayes. Yancey Thigpen also probably has better stats than Bob Hayes. Should we put him in the hall?

a. Ken Whisenhunt deferring to start the game? Didn't like it at all. Not at all. The Cards won the toss and could have jumped ahead with their powerful offense -- let's face it, the Arizona passing game has been the hottest single facet of any team this postseason -- but deferred. I found it odd. And when the Steelers drove 71 yards to score on the first series ... very, very suspect call.

If Kurt Warner doesn't throw that pick to James Harrison at the end of the half, the call to defer quite possibly wins the game for the Cardinals.

c. Here's a quibble with the NFL's media policy after the game, and I know it'll fall on deaf ears. But Mike Tomlin should be able to have some time with his team after the game. "Everyone keeps asking me how I'm enjoying the moment,'' he said around 11:35 p.m., over an hour after the game ended. "How would I know? I just keep having to talk to the media.'' The league has to allow a coach and his team to have 10 minutes alone after the game. It's only fair.

Yes. The King Period. Do it, NFL.

d. Arizona has to figure out how to run the ball. No one runs against the Steelers, and the Cards ran better in the postseason than the regular-season, obviously, but that has to be an offseason priority.

I know, I know! Cut your QB, two big-money receivers, big-money tackles, big-money safety, and big-money LB and DL in Dansby and Dockett and sign a great RB and some run-blocking interior lineman. But then...we gotta pump up the passing game!

No, no, no. Change no rules but one: Give the team that loses the coin flip at least one possession, then it goes to sudden death.

I've gone over this. It's still not fair, just slightly less not fair. It's not a perfect solution by any stretch. So stop touting it like you just fixed the problem.

a. Great job, Bruce. I was lucky enough to be on the field, and though hearing was not very good down there, the energy translated. Bruce plays like Ray Lewis patrols.

Bruce Springsteen fucking rocks from sideline to sideline. Problem is, one blocker is usually enough to get him off-key.

b. Coffeenerdness: Perhaps my movements are no mystery to the football public. There were two comments to me from a swarm of Steelers fans as I left Pittsburgh's practice Thursday. One: "Peter, who do you like Sunday?'' Two: "You going to Starbucks when you leave here?''

Yeah, perhaps. Perhaps the fact that everyone mocks you for writing about coffee in a football column would convey that thought. You realize these people were making fun of you, right? If John Mark Karr was walking past a crowd and they said "hey, going to molest and kill some 7-year olds when you leave here?", I'd hope he wouldn't take it as a form of endearment.

MVP!

Wooooo! Thanks to the Sports Frog's AB for the idea. Apparently, whipping it out on the internet leads to big things.

That begs the question, after Reed and Holmes...who is going to end up with their wang on the Gores this offseason? Polamalu? Big Snack? "Swingin" Dick LeBeau? The suspense is killing me.

I'd like to actually write something but I'm just not all there today. Twas a long night. Woo.

The Roast of Brenda Warner

*raucous applause*

Kurt Warner: Thank you, thank you. Thank you for coming tonight to roast my beautiful wife, Brenda Warner. We're gonna have some fun tonight, guys, I think you can be sure of that. But before we get to the jokes, let's bow our heads for a prayer.

Dear God, thank you for bringing us here safely tonight and for giving us the opportunity to hold this charity event. Thank you for the food and alcohol that we are fortunate to serve to our guests tonight. Thank you for the bountiful blessings you have bestowed upon our families to get to this point in our lives. And please, please let someone else fuck my wife tonight so I don't have to. HEY-YO!!!!

*laughter*

Ok, let's bring up the first roaster, Mike Martz, who will apparently be doing this via headset.

*applause, Mike Martz walks to the podium*

Thanks, Kurt. Finally using that bulldyke wife of yours to give something back to the kids, eh? I guess it's better than holding a Melissa Etheridge concert.

*laughter*

Ladies and Gentleman, if you want to know how bad it was before Kurt made it to the NFL, just look at his wife. He actually thought this chick was hot. This guy makes $8 million a year now and his biggest claim to fame is still the fact that his wife invented the Guido haircut.

*laughter*

I see Dick Vermeil is here.

Dick Vermeil, everybody. Dick fucking Vermeil. Dick is the only person on the planet that Nancy Kerrigan has told to stop crying like a bitch.

*laughter*

This guy rode my offense to a Super Bowl win like it was a 17 year old girl drunk on wine coolers and he was Mark Chmura.

*laughter*

But enough with Dick, wouldn't want to hurt his tender feelings. You fucking bitch, Dick Vermeil.

I see Ken Whisenhunt is here.

Ahh, Ken Whisenhunt. The only coach in NFL history to make the playoffs before he got a win outside his division.

*laughter*

Whisenhunt actually got passed over for a black guy. In a fucking recession! Were you working in the NFL or in a fucking shoe factory?

*laughter*

Good God. But enough of that. Let's go to the guest of honor, Brenda Warner.

Where's Brenda...oh! Sorry, Brenda. For a second there I thought you were Aquaman in drag.

*laughter*

What the fuck is up with your hair, Brenda? At least try to look like a woman. The fuck. Regardless, it's nice that Kurt and Brenda are so close. They are so close that Brenda actually showers with Kurt in the locker room after the games. Or at least we're told, since nobody on the team actually noticed.

*laughter*

Nice half sleeves, Brenda. Did you give the other half to Allen Iverson?

*laughter*

In all honestly, Brenda, congratulations on all the good you have done for the community and for Kurt. Your faith is really an inspiration to us all. Kurt owes so much of what he has become to your strength and support.

*applause*

I just hope he sucks your dick tonight to thank you.

*laughter*

Thanks, Coach Martz. I'm sure I speak for everybody when I say I can't wait to see what your offense can accomplish in the Canadian League next year.

*laughter*

Let's welcome our next roaster, Dick Vermeil.

Thanks, Kurt. I'll try not to cry today like I did when I realized that you would be quarterbacking my football team when Trent Green went down.

*laughter*

I still wonder just how good we could have been if we didn't have a shelf-stocker behind center that year.

Thanks for the shoutout, Mike Martz. I think it's remarkable that you have hung around the coaching ranks for this long after singlehandedly destroying so many teams. You are like a staph infection with a headset.

*laughter*

I retired three years ago and I'm still more relevant than you.

I see Larry Fitzgerald made it tonight.

The Predator! Larry Fitzgerald shares a great deal with the movie character, as both are absolutely unstoppable freaks of nature.

Of course, even the Predator in the movie didn't have any restraining orders against him. If you hit defenders as hard as you hit women, you could be Adrian Wilson.

*laughter*

But let's not dilly-dally around. We came here tonight to roast Mrs. Warner.

I know I said I wouldn't cry tonight, but that was before I stared directly at Brenda Warner's face.

*laughter*

Brenda, you really do make a grown man cry. I know you are a very devout religious person, maybe you could give up Supercuts for Lent?

*laughter*

Seriously, Kurt. Kanye would be proud. This is the marriage equivalent of winning the Super Bowl and driving off in a Hyundai.

*laughter*

Brenda, I'm jealous of your faith. I mean, to really think that Kurt isn't out cheating on you after every game? Christ, David Duchovny wouldn't even fuck you.

*laughter*

Thanks, you fucking white-haired vagina.

Brenda, I'm really proud of you for sitting up here and taking this abuse like a man.

*laughter*

Don't let any of these jokers get to you. You've got a fucking blubbering excuse for a head coach and a career offensive coordinator, the likes of whom combined to win one Super Bowl with perhaps the greatest offense of all-time. Mike Martz has killed so many teams that you'd think he was a pilot at Marshall.

*laughter*

I wouldn't have it any other way, Brenda. It's like I'm Dwyane Wade and you are my Star Jones. Or I'm Ashton Kutcher and you are my fucking old ass washed up Demi Moore. I guess I should tone it down, our adopted kids might be watching.

*laughter*

But it wouldn't be fair to do this without giving you a chance to respond, so come on up.

Thanks, Kurt! Let's get this over with quickly so I can get back to fucking Edgerrin James.

*laughter*

I'm just thankful God blessed me with a journeyman quarterback of a husband capable of throwing lob passes to some of the greatest receiving corps in the history of the NFL. One great thing about this season was that we found out how good Jay Fiedler could have been had he been placed in the right situation.

*laughter*

And you, Dick Vermeil...I talk to Jesus, and even He can't tell me why you are such a fucking labia. God damn it, would you stop crying already??? I swear, we'll leave Britney alone.

*laughter*

Mike Martz...you couldn't coach a college senior into an unconscious freshman chick. Mike Singletary took his pants off in the locker room and you made him look like the reasonable coach in San Francisco. Martz, if you killed any more offenses I'd think you were riding shotgun with Leonard Little.

*laughter*

But that's all I've got for today. Sure, I may look like a dude, but I married an NFL quarterback when he was working the shelves at a Hy-Vee. You think we have a pre-nup? Yeah. Fuck that. All I have to do is lay back and hope he can get it up. So all of you can suck my...

*pulls out giant penis*

That's right bitches!

Peace!

Mark Madden

Mark Madden is the epitome of love him or hate him. And I hate him. He only seems to put the morons through on his show and loves to berate people to make himself look smarter. See, when I berate people, it's usually through fictional dialogue attributed to random characters and does nothing for my ego in the process. Which is why it's ok.

And since I gots nothing today, I might as well post an article I was alerted to, written by Madden a few years ago about Steelers lockdown corner Ike Taylor. Why do people still take this guy seriously?


------------------------------------------------------------------


Mark's Madness: Steelers make history with worst draft pick ever

Wednesday, April 30, 2003

The Steelers made history Sunday. They made their worst draft pick ever.

Not that there's anything wrong with that. I like a good bad draft choice. I derived as much enjoyment from the reigns of error provided by Troy Edwards, Jamain Stephens and Deon Figures as I did from the Super Bowl years. Being indescribably bad is often more intriguing than being incomparably good.

Which brings us to Ike Taylor, the Steelers' fourth-round pick out of Louisiana-Lafayette.

Louisiana-Lafayette is technically Division I-A, but the football program's primary purpose seems to be to pick up big paydays by acting as a record-building punching bag for larger schools like, well, everybody else.

Taylor's claim to fame during his one season at cornerback for Louisiana-Lafayette was that he knocked four people out of games, two via concussive effect and two via sprains. My attempt to check if Taylor sprained the knee of Middle Tennessee receiver Tyrone Calico by using (whoooo!) the figure-four leglock proved inconclusive. Check the video? Yeah, like that game was on TV anywhere.

Taylor was a tailback at Louisiana-Lafayette in 2001, making the team as a walk-on. Taylor's draft profile on NFL.com says he did not play in 2000 because he "concentrated on academics." Before that, he was a Prop 48. Before that, he was dumb. Probably still is.

Probably not dumb enough to pick himself in the fourth round, though. This pick makes no sense. On a scale of one to 10, Ourlads Scouting Service gave Taylor a one. They projected him to be drafted when hell froze over.

But Taylor is a Steeler. I guarantee he will make the team. Taylor could lose a leg at rookie camp, have a lobotomy at minicamp and develop a heroin habit at training camp, and he would make the Steelers. When a team makes a bad draft choice, cutting him right away fairly screams the club's stupidity in all-too-short order.

At 6-foot, 197 pounds with 4.33 speed in the 40-yard dash, Taylor could turn out to be the latter-day Mel Blount. Or the black Scott Shields. I'm betting on the latter.

Said Steelers defensive backs coach Willy Robinson -- yes, someone actually admits to having that job -- "The one thing you can't do is teach a guy to be 6 feet, almost 6-1, 197 pounds and run a 4.3 like he can." How come no one ever drafted Jesse Owens?

With all those marvelous physical attributes, how did Taylor wind up at Louisiana-Lafayette? Why wasn't he at Southern California with Troy Polamalu? Wouldn't a big-time school take a Prop 48 recruit that projected as a fourth-round NFL draft pick? Absolutely. But while you can't teach anyone to be 6 feet, 197 pounds and run a 4.3, you probably can't teach Taylor to play football.

Taylor played four different positions in high school, two in college. You say that's because he's versatile. I say it's because he couldn't figure out any one position.

Taylor will be a total bust for the Steelers. The only person he hurts will be me after he reads this column.

The choice of rag-armed Boston College quarterback Brian St. Pierre in the fifth round stinks, too. The Steelers did that just for the sake of drafting a quarterback. In the seventh round, I understand the Steelers drafted a fullback. Do NFL teams still use fullbacks?

Other than that, I liked the Steelers draft. Seriously. As bad as the choices of Taylor, St. Pierre and what's-his-name are, the selections of Polamalu and Alonzo Jackson fit like hand in glove.

The Steelers needed a safety. Polamalu was the top safety in the draft.

Did the Steelers give too much to trade up to No. 16? Probably. Could they have moved up a little less high, given a bit less, and still gotten Polamalu? Probably. But the Steelers got the man they wanted. Given that, and given the need, you can't fault taking Polamalu.

Jackson was a slight reach in the second round. But he's a true pass-rushing specialist. The Steelers' defense hasn't been the same since Kevin Greene left town. Greene was far from a complete player. But he gave the Steelers an extra dimension that struck fear in foes and gave the opposing quarterback less time to make decisions.

Jackson played defensive end at Florida State. The Steelers will make him into an outside linebacker. I just hope they don't try to make him into a complete player. Don't teach Jackson how to drop back into coverage. Just let him be Kevin Greene.

Jackson will play rush end in the dime, which might turn into a nickel if Bill Cowher's post-draft comments prove accurate. I hope they do. If getting Jackson, Kendrell Bell, Jason Gildon and Joey Porter on the field at the same time means going with only five defensive backs in passing situations, so be it.

Play your best athletes. Leaving Bell off the field for passing downs last season was criminal.

I'm chock-full of enthusiasm about the ridiculous choice of Taylor. Just as this generation of Steelers fans (cough) deserves its own Super Bowl team, it also deserves to experience a replay of the shame of 1989, when the Steelers' 1-2 first-round punch of Tim Worley and Tom Ricketts ultimately made grown men weep. And drink.

Of course, I'm hardly infallible when it comes to judging this sort of thing.

I liked the choice of Edwards in 1999. Hey, gotta get a receiver, right? Wrong. I also spoke glowingly of Shields' physical skills when the safety from Weber State was chosen in the second round that same year. Conversely, I decried the choice of Antwaan Randle-El in the second round last season.

But I stand by my condemnation of Ike Taylor. Ike Turner would have been a better choice. Talk about a big hitter.



----------------------------------------------------------


That's honestly some of the dumbest stuff I've ever read, even before he brings up the great pick that was Alonzo Jackson. There's no problem in thinking Jackson was a good pick, but Madden's rationale for bashing the Taylor pick is just laughable at best. Why did no one draft Jesse Owens? Probably because he was busy with the Olympics and the game was slightly different in NINETEEN FUCKING THIRTY SIX. This is a league where teams have considered bringing Usain Bolt in and a few have even brought Justin Gatlin in for tryouts. Madden, you fat fuck.

I don't even have anything against fat people. Just Mark Madden and his faux-supergeniusness. I hate him so much that I just copied and pasted something I read and called it a blog post. I am not usually that lazy. That's how much I hate Mark Madden. I hope he gets waterboarded with Michael Vick's sperm.

There are few people in this world I would rather punch in the face than Mark Madden. I don't even hate Hannity as much as I hate this fucker.

New Gunpowder Jones CD coming soon

Gunpowder Jone's highly anticipated third CD, "Make It Rainbow", is due to hit the internets within a month or so. This one as with the previous two features reused beats and no star power. It can be yours for the small price of completely free.

I know you all need your Gunpowder Jones fix, and I'm doing the best that I can. In the meantime, www.myspace.com/gunpowderjones is your home for all things GPJ.

Represent.

Don't just go sucking any dick during the Super Bowl

Greetings again, Floridians, from Governor Charlie Crist. As you are likely aware, Super Bowl XLIII will be coming to our great state shortly, bringing an influx of football fans from the rest of the country to the Tampa Bay area. Steeler fans, Cardinal fans and other assorted football people will be arriving shortly to spend the week before the big game. And, if you are like me, you have but one thing on your mind....tons of fresh dick.

The Cardinals come in hot, having cruised through their three playoff games to make it to the Super Bowl. They are a high-octane pass-happy offense led by Kurt Warner...sound familiar? Shades of the Greatest Show on Turf with this team. But Warner's wide receivers this year may be even better than the great ones he worked with in St. Louis, which is probably a very scary thought for Steelers fans. So, please understand the apprehension they may have if you end up sucking one of their dicks.

The Steelers also come in hot, having won their playoff games. Crazy how both teams in the Super Bowl always seem to be on winning streaks. The Steelers have done it old school with their defense while just getting enough offensive production to win. Led by Troy Polamalu and Defensive MVP James Harrison, the Steelers defense is sure to smother the Cardinals passing game to some degree, especially considering that the Cardinals and their fans are just happy to be here. Remember that when looking for dick...the happy Cardinal fans may indeed be your best option.

But please, don't just go sucking any dick. You have no idea where these dicks have been or where they will be going or even what these fresh new dicks may introduce to the area. Don't just go around sucking dicks as you have become accostomed to...please use some discretion when selecting dicks. I know I will, Florida, and I urge you to do the same. And don't get too infatuated with these new dicks, Floridians. After the Super Bowl ends and the new people leave, we'll still be here and all we'll have is each other. Let's not blow the great things we have going on a bunch of exotic new dicks.

Thank you and have a great week.

Randomness

Yeah, I know that just listing random things is the lowest form of bloggering. You know, Jay Mohr level stuff. Stuff anyone can do. But hey, I'm anyone. So I'm gonna do it. I just took a trip (ON A PLANE!!!!) over the last four days and every time I do that it leaves me with a bunch of strange thoughts. I hope I can remember them now.

- I hate Randomtalk Jacksons. You know, the people that just try to strike up a conversation with you and continue it when you show that you aren't interested. Be it in line at an airport, at the checkout line in a grocery store, or even while I'm sitting behind a bush in a parking lot jacking it to thoughts of Stephanie Tanner. Yes, guy with a Florida hat, bag, t-shirt and soul, I am wearing a Florida Gators hat. No, I didn't graduate. They are a pretty popular university for their athletics, dude. I just like the team. Now go sit down and touch yourself while thinking of Danny Wuerffel.

- Charles "Sully" Sullenberger's biggest contribution was not the fact that he saved all of those people's lives when he landed his plane in the Hudson River. His absolute biggest contribution was the fact that he made plane crash humor lighthearted again. Now, when the lady (or gay dude) on the plane is doing the run down on the oxygen masks or the floatation devices under the seat, people aren't like, "hey, what are we going to need oxygen for when we are dying a firey death?", followed by frightened glances and forced smirks. Now, people are like "yeah, in case we have to land this motherfucker in Lake Okeechobee" and everyone's like "LOL!" and "plus one to you, sir!" and it's just so much more jubilant.

- Speaking of the landing in the Hudson, stop believing the news anchors when they say "reports indicate that the water was 20 degrees!". I heard them say as low as 8 degrees. EIGHT FUCKING DEGREES. Here, let me show you a picture of a river when the water is 8 fucking degrees:


- I saw a Bentley drive by while I was waiting for a ride home from the airport. I thought to myself that if that Bentley would have picked me up, I would have mentioned that it was the most expensive vehicle I'd ever rode in. They I would have paused and been like "wait, I just got off of a $100 million plane".

- I hate the phrase "deplane" in regards to clearing off an airplane. A plane can be deplaned, we can deplane the plane, you can probably describe a plane as deplaned. It's retard in noun, verb and adjective forms. But you only use it for planes. You don't call somebody up and say "yo, I just pulled up in front of your house...should I decar now?", or "yeah, it took a little longer for the 4th graders to debus today". When I degauss my computer monitor, I don't have to get out of my gauss to do it. So I'm going to punch the next person that says that right in their child.

- I hate people who criticize others for "selling out". I would sell out so fast if given the chance. Life's too short to actually have to work during it. If Chevrolet offered me $500 to change the name of this blog to "You Lay on the Ice Like the All-New '09 Chevy Avalanche", I'm not only doing it, I'm also letting everyone that works for Chevrolet take their turn face-fucking my wife. Assuming I'm married when it happens.

- It's official Steelers week here on planet Earth. If there aren't going to be enough Cardinals fans to argue with, I figure our best shot is to make everyone else hate us. Do your part, fans of the 5-time Super Bowl champs.


That's all I have. For now. Because I know there was more. I should invest in a notepad of sorts.

Patriot fans still can't let it go

Look at that stud of a man. John Molori. Looking as badass as ever. From that picture you may think that he is a Secret Service agent or possibly works in the Jet Propulsion Lab mixing dangerous chemicals with his bare hands. But you'd be wrong. The guy's main job is to cry about the Steelers being cheap shot artists and get the usual band of New England retahhhds to put their Guinness hats on and stumble out of the wordwork.



Carson Palmer knows it, so does Tom Brady and Matt Hasselbeck. Now, Willis McGahee knows it too. The Pittsburgh Steelers are cheap shot artists, plain and simple. They have been since Bill Cowher became their head coach in 1992, and they remain so with Mike Tomlin at the helm.

Aside from the obvious fact that you can't tear someone's ACL on command...when did a Steelers player ever cheap shot Matt Hasselbeck? Was it verbal? Did Larry Foote yell at him?



It is intrinsic in the game plan devised by defensive coordinator Dick LeBeau to take every opportunity to hurt the opposition whenever possible. Latter day Steeler football is all about blindside hits and helmet first shots. They rely on the consistent ignorance of NFL officials and the blind eye of the league to get away with it.

Please, back that up. Latter day Steeler football? Of course. Who can forget when Joseph Smith founded the team in 1837? Jeez. Lay Wes Welker out once while the ball is still in the air and get more panties in a bunch than in Oscar De La Hoya's laundry basket.



Steeler fans and the national media who seem to genuflect at the mere mention of this organization should stop sidestepping the issue and embrace what their team is, a band of thugs, no more, no less.

If this was your objective, to rile people up by saying idiotic things based on a hit that you didn't like, then +1 to you, good sir. You currently have one point. And who can forget Rodney Harrison making dirty hit after dirty hit from his perch across from Carnell Lake?




The media is especially guilty. In the wake of Ryan Clark’s dirty hit on Baltimore running back Willis McGahee late in Sunday’s AFC title game, announcers Jim Nantz and Phil Simms immediately exonerated Clark calling the hit perfectly legal. Their replays showed that Clark’s hit was clearly helmet-to-helmet, but Steeler love had taken over the broadcast booth. Clearly, this legendary team could never administer a dirty hit. Please.

That's a legal hit, you fucking moron. And that's what they said. First, and this is going based on actual NFL rules so you may be in the dark here, it is not illegal to go helmet to helmet on a runner with the ball. He wasn't a defenseless receiver. Second, just that, the players defending themselves, is what led to the "dirty" hit in question. Clark leads with his shoulder, McGahee puts his head down to brace for impact and their helmets collide. You can tell by the way Clark went down that he did not intend to hit McGahee like that. This stuff happens in football games, where bands of thugs run full speed to impress NFL teams and earn contracts to help them pay off all of their bail money and child support.



Then some guy named beisbolct steps in to further the argument.



It’s no surprise that Simms let Clark off the hook. He has, in the past, cowered, or shall I say, Cowher-ed similarly. In the first half of the 2002 AFC title game between the Steelers and New England, Simms failed to take a stand when Steelers linebacker Jason Gildon rolled over onto Tom Brady’s legs nearly injuring the Pats’ QB.

Yes. Phil Simms loves the Steelers. He'll admit it if you manage to sneak in a conversation with him after he's done blowing Ed Reed.

I'd also like to know how Jason Gildon "nearly injured" Tom Brady, and if he could have injured him, why didn't he? He probably couldn't do any more damage than Brady's surgeon has already done. I feel bad for New England fans that Phil Simms doesn't immediately step to their defense when their football players get touched innappropriately, just like their young Catholic boys.




Later in the half, when Lee Flowers delivered his infamous dirty hit to Brady’s leg knocking him out of the game, Simms was again mum.

Infamous? Maybe it's still talked about at Boston area kid-molesting parties, but that's about it.




In the second half of that game, New England’s Ty Law shoved Hines Ward while the two were out of bounds. Referee Ed Hochuli tagged Law for unnecessary roughness, but failed to call Ward for a blatant facemask.

Last year, Vince Wilfork gouged out a lineman's eyes in the regular season game against the Giants last year. He was also fined for delivering an unquestionably cheap shot to JP Losman's legs and almost suspended after a hit on Jay Cutler. He's one of the thuggiest players in the NFL. Do you people not get your own games on TV up there?




CBS showed several replays of the call, and not once did Simms remark on the obvious facemask. But this is Steeler football, baby. Smile to the cameras. Hire a coach that sucks up to the media and loves to be on TV, and you can get away with anything.

Damn it, Phil Simms! Come to our defenses! Be our obviously Steeler-biased knight in shining armor! At least all the Steelers were doing with cameras over the past 8 years was smiling at them.




Monday, on SIRIUS NFL Radio, Randy Cross and Solomon Wilcots also defended Clark’s hit on McGahee. Wilcots said that there was a little helmet to helmet contact, but stood up for the Steelers. Cross actually said that helmet to helmet hits on a runner do not exist, whatever that means. The pair then chuckled about Willis McGahee being “liquified.” Yeah guys, seeing a player carried off on a stretcher always tickles my funny bone. Later in the show, Cross and Wilcots seemed more concerned about the health and state of Clark than McGahee.

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ALL OF YOU, THE MEDIA?!?! WHY CAN NONE OF YOU SEE THE TRUTH?!?!?

If you don't know "whatever that means" that helmet-to-helmet hits on a runner don't exist, read above. It can be explained in one sentence. You guys are obviously huge fans of the sport.

Later in the evening, Solomon Wilcots was spotted inside of Willis McGahee's hospital room wearing a Norm Johnson jersey and urinating directly into McGahee's feeding tube.




Pittsburgh’s recent history of cheap shots is the stuff of which championships are made. The Steelers’ only Super Bowl title since the Reagan administration was a direct result of perhaps the most fiendish hit in recent memory.

The Steelers only title in the past twenty years in a league of 32 teams? Also, Wilfork's hit on Losman was orders of magnitude cheaper than Von Oelhoffen's hit on Palmer. Again, they sacked Peyton Manning like 5 times the next week. Why didn't they take him out?




Flash back to the 2005 NFL Wild Card playoffs, Pittsburgh at Cincinnati. The Bengals had finally put together a great season led by quarterback Carson Palmer. They looked every bit the championship team until Pittsburgh’s Kimo von Oelhoffen delivered a vile hit damaging Palmer’s ACL, MCL and PCL. The cheap shot ended the Bengals title hopes and changed the balance of power in the AFC North for the rest of the decade.

They looked every bit the championship team for the 2 plays of the game that happened before that hit.




Once again, the Steeler apologists immediately absolved von Oelhoffen of any wrongdoing. In true Steeler fashion, von Oelhoffen said he did not mean to hurt Palmer, the same way Ryan Clark sat on the Pittsburgh bench Sunday night seemingly remorseful about his hatchet job on McGahee. Sorry guys, in both cases, the damage had already been done. Palmer has never truly recovered from that hit, and has battled other injuries ever since.

True Steeler fashion, right there. On any other team, Clark would have came out lighting cigars with hundred dollar bills earmarked for Darfur, jacking off on stage while discussing how he intended to paralyze Willis McGahee.

Also, blaming Von Oelhoffen's hit for Carson Palmer's current shoulder injury would be like blaming the 50 Cent-Ja Rule beef for the civil war in Rwanda.

The beloved Steelers of course went on to win the Super Bowl against Seattle in one of the worst officiated games in Super Bowl history. Most of the bad calls, of course, went in favor of Pittsburgh. First time Super Bowl referee Bill Leavy and his crew negatively affected the outcome of the game in embarrassing fashion.

They missed several offside calls against Pittsburgh, called a phantom hold on Seahawk Sean Locklear nullifying a big reception by Jerramy Stevens and called a bogus block below the waist on Seattle QB Matt Hasselbeck.

Several offsides calls? Never heard that one. Also, the phantom hold was easily confirmed up by replay as a hold and the bogus block below the waist on Hasselbeck was a block below the waist that you are not allowed to do and was by no means a game changing penalty. The interception had already occurred. But feel free to continue making stuff up, it gives me things to write about.

A called fumble by Hasselbeck was correctly overturned by replay, but a clear helmet first hit by Deshea Townsend on Hasselbeck with 6:20 left in the game went ignored. Another dirty Steeler hit, another non-call by officials, another bogus Steeler victory.

Another bogus Steeler victory marred by a brutal Deshea Townsend hit.

Watch the video. The hit happens about 8 minutes into it. The fact that this guy considers that a clear helmet-first dirty cheap hit undermines everything he's ever written in his life, including grocery lists and post-it notes reminding him that sharing needles can lead to HIV.

The Steelers are not only dirty, they are gutless. At least the Raiders of the 1970s accepted what they were. Jack Tatum, George Atkinson and the gang admitted that they were out to injure and maim. The Cowher-Tomlin Steelers seem to want it all. They want to be respected as a hard-hitting football team that does things the right way, yet on the field, their record of questionable actions speaks for itself.

You are now comparing the Deshea Townsend hit linked to above to Jack Tatum. Join our writer next week as he describes the similarities between Dick LeBeau's zone blitz packages and the Holocaust.

The towel waving Steeler fools and the merry band of Black and Gold boosters in the media can try to cloak the cheap shots in fabled glory. Bill Cowher can sit at the CBS anchor desk flapping his chin about hard nosed football, and Mike Tomlin can feign concern for victims of his brand of football. Their words are meaningless. On February 1, the Pittsburgh Steelers may in fact be crowned the NFL’s champs. In truth, they are nothing more than a bunch of chumps.

New England fans like to say that we can't get them out of our head yet they continue to come up with stuff like this to discredit the Steelers at every opportunity. I just don't get how a team that is supposedly so dominant over another in the playoffs can have such an inferiority complex. I didn't know if carried over from their baseball hystrionics. While Pittsburgh is the dirtiest team in the league according to New Englanders, New England is the dirtiest team in the league according to actual video. And I'll trust the video. A picture is worth 1,000 words, or, in the case of Vince Wilfork, about $15,000.

Addition - A good quote from a friend who I consider to have a Ph. D. on this subject:

This really is the most retarded part of it all isn't it. Dude is condemning Cross (Randy Cross is another guy who LOVES him some Stillers by the way) for saying that there's no penalty for helmet to helmet on a ball carrier by doing not an ounce of research to understand the rules and simply writing "whatever that means"?

Furthermore...Tedy Bruschi banged up Duce Staley's knee in a pile in 2004. Richard Seymour kicked a defender in the head when he was lying on the ground after a whistle and Simms said nothing. Simms watched this dirty ass play by Vrabel and responded with WHAT A SPIN MOVE!!! I mean, is there any scenario whereby a Steeler does that and nobody says a fucking word?

Absolutely not. WHAT THE FUCK, SIMMS?!?!?

Disrespecting the Cardinals

Why not? It's been working well in the past.

And the Cardinals have supposedly been riding this no one believes in us train all the way to the Super Bowl. Now they have been designated as 10-point underdogs! What the f. Surely this disrespect will power them over the Steelers in the Super Bowl. That's a hell of a lot of disrespect, man. They might have a royal disrespect flush with their disrespect cards.

And I'm going to raise.



Jesus doesn't care about your football career, Kurt. Really. He doesn't. He doesn't allow you to complete touchdown passes to Larry Fitzgerald just to smite Asante Samuel. He didn't make you an NFL quarterback because you were so faithful bagging groceries. I'm sure a bunch of other grocery baggers pray like rockstars and still end up bagging groceries. You are just able to throw a ball well. You aren't special. You know who else thinks the Lord made him the football player he is today? Ray Lewis. And he killed two people! Really, outside of the dancing and jazz hands, the only difference between you and Ray Lewis is that Ray's wife doesn't look like a dude.



Get that jizz rag off of your face, Larry. Could catch something from that. And I'm not talking about a touchdown pass.

I'm assuming that torching Sheldon Brown and Quentin Demps on trick plays has you fired up and thinking that you are going to continue to light the world on fire in the Super Bowl. But you won't. Two pretty good catches in the playoffs has the media thinking that you are unquestionably the best wide receiver in the league, but be careful...those same lips that they are blowing you with were just on Whisenhunt like 10 minutes ago. Better get some Valtrex.



Oh, Arizona does have a defensive superstar! Adrian Wilson, the Polamalu of the NFC now that Brian Dawkins is 47 years old and everybody else in the conference sucks. They suck hard enough to cover one of Fitzgerald's catches for a local media outlet. But you, Adrian Wilson...you are so unheralded. "Oh look, I'm Adrian Wilson, nobody talks about me". I feel bad for you. But then I remembered that your team plays in the NFC West. Shaun Hill could make Willie Colon look like a game-changer at safety.



For someone who's like, 6'2" and 230 lbs, you sure have quite the little man complex, Boldin. Just because Fitzgerald's better doesn't mean you have to pout like a little bitch while your team punches their ticket to the Super Bowl. Sneaking out the back during the celebration? I hope you end up as a real superstar in Detroit next year. Wait...they have Calvin Johnson. You'll be up to the same tricks. Plus, wherever you go you are going to lose out on the Arizona steroid pipeline. How do you think Thomas Jones and David Boston got so big?



What happened to you, Edge? You used to be good. Did you just go to Arizona to retire like everyone else? Tommy Maddox didn't even get washed up as quickly as you did. And you are grumbling that you don't like being a backup...please. No one is going to bring you in to start for them. And I'm including Canadian League teams in that group as well.



The Whis! You superstar. How did you do it? How did you take a team that many thought was a sleeper and bring it to the playoffs out of one of the weakest divisions in NFL history?? How did you get your team to regroup and beat shaky Atlanta and Philly teams and accept the gift in the the divisional round from Jake Delhomme after all of those blowouts in December? The Steelers fucked up by letting you go, Whis. How the hell were you able to make an offense work while playing in domes and warm-weather climes armed with only the best WR corps in the league and a former MVP quarterback??? Whis could fix the Steelers in a second. His first move would be to move them to the NFC West.

Fuck Whisenhunt. He took the Cardinals to a 9-7 season, going 6-0 inside his division. Impressive. Now everyone's blowing him. Coach of the year! Who would have expected a team we imagined would challenge for a playoff berth to get a playoff berth! And then fight their way through such a murderer's row in the playoffs. It's not your year, Whisenhunt. Not until you get a defense who's greatest strength is something other than hoping that Donovan McNabb misses every open receiver he has in the first half.


That's what I think about the Cardinals. There should be a disrespect bukkake going on all over their faces right now. Let's hope Jesus put money on your team, Warner.

Pile Inspector

Wow, Jerry Jones. Really? Ray Lewis is going to fix your team? For $25 mil over 3 years? Are you that jealous of Dan Snyder's free agents?

As the first comment in the article suggests, Zach Thomas was already supposed to do this. That didn't work. Now it's Ray-Ray's turn to pray away the chemistry issues, I guess. Good luck.

The major implication for Steeler fans comes after Ray leaves Baltimore. Do I still hate them as much? I think so, but I'm not quite sure. Much of the hate that I have accumulated for the Ravens is a direct result of them paying Ray Lewis to work for them. If he retires a Raven it may be different than if he leaves to take Jerry Jones' ridiculous contract, and I wouldn't blame him if he did. That's an assload of money for a 33-year old murderer linebacker and he should take advantage of Jones' senility while the offer is still on the table.

I'd love to see the pile inspector work his magic in the Cowboys locker room. Maybe I'll see what Dan Telvock thinks....after all, he is one of the lead bloggers for all things Dallas Cowboys.

Where have you gone, FJM?

For, Mike Celizic has returned! And he has returned in time to write about the NFL playoffs. While the Fire Joe Morgan guys usually stayed away from the football writing in lieu of commenting on baseball-centric articles, I am just the opposite. I am an NFL fan first and foremost. And so I will once again blatantly rip off their style to keep myself from committing some sort of figurative ritual Seppuku triggered by reading a Celizic article.

Give Cards credit for pulling off Super surprise

Arizona thriving as underdog — because no one foresaw this NFC title

Starting off strong, Celizic...they are thriving as underdog...because no one foresaw this NFC title. That's vintage Celizic. You can see it in his past titles, such as:

"Scott Peterson convicted murderer - because he killed wife on fishing trip"

"Barack Obama taking Presidential oath - because he was elected to that office"

"Neighbor accused of child molestation - because he drives a Ford Econoline van. And molests children in it"





There aren’t enough crows in the world for all the humble pies that all of us in the expert analysis business are going to have to eat.

If you are familiar with FJM's reamings of Celizic, you will know that they spawned an entire "food metaphor" culture. A staple of the Celizic diet. HA!



And there aren’t enough words in Webster’s lexicon to give sufficient credit to the Arizona Cardinals for what they did Sunday against the Philadelphia Eagles.

No, because words such as "overcame a 3.5 point spread to win NFC title game at home" and "division champion team overcomes odds to beat 9-6-1 squad who barely snuck into the playoffs and played maybe 5 good games all year" just don't do the Cardinals justice in this situation.




I’m not sure the sentence exists that was less likely to be written than that one. Until Sunday, I would have been less surprised to read, “Lasting peace comes to the Middle East,” “Ann Coulter endorses Hillary Clinton for President,” “Keith Olbermann says, ‘Dick Cheney is one of the finest gentlemen I’ve ever met,’ ” or all of the above.

Fresh! If "approaches to sportswriting" were vaginas, Mike Celizic would be a five-gallon jug of Summer's Eve.




By comparison, the Red Sox winning the World Series in 2004 after 86 years of torment was child’s play. The Tampa Rays getting to the World Series? A big ho-hum.

Disagree vehemently. The Cardinals coming out of the worst division in the parity-conscious NFL and completing a timely sprint through an uninspiring NFC playoff field (thanks, Jake Delhomme) was not more unlikely than the Tampa Bay Rays coming out of the fucking AL East in a sport in which teams outspend them ten-fold. And of course it was more surprising than the Red Sox winning the World Series, because THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A FUCKING CURSE. A team with a $150 million payroll winning the world series should shock nobody.




Forget taking your hats off to these guys. Take off everything and run naked down Broadway and you'd be close to the proper celebration for this one.

Uhhh, no? Because I live in New York in this analogy and I'm a fucking Giants fan and I'm pissed about last week? And it's the damn Cardinals? And I don't want to take my pants off to celebrate a team accomplishing a feat that a Rex Grossman-led Bears squad did two years ago?



History's best 9-7 team could stretch credulity even further than it already has.....

The 1979 LA Rams were probably better than them and had one of the best defenses ever (I believe). And I'm sure there were others. My point is that I'd bet my vas deferens against a week-old beer pong cup full of PBR that Mike Celizic did not research this point.



...but I think the Cardinals and their fans want to be the underdogs. They’ve gotten here by riding the we-don’t-get-no-respect express, and there’s no sense derailing them now by installing them as favorites — or even suggesting they have a shot.

Oh, God. I hate this. Chaps my balls, as I've mentioned before. The "Disrespect Card". Just like Cornhole...all of the sudden, everybody wants to play it. There are two teams in each game, one of them will (usually) be favored. By like, 3 points. Get the fuck over it. How did they get here over the Eagles, who also played the we don't get respect card? How did the Ravens not ride that train into the Super Bowl? I know why. Because it doesn't fucking matter.

But hey, no sense saying that they might win this game! Because if we do, they might lose!





Who knows? It could work for one more game. Nothing they do should amaze us anymore.

They fucking came out of a weak conference to get to the Super Bowl. They didn't cure some rare form of cancer or save babies from dysentary-infected water supplies or something like that. If a football team in the Super Bowl wins said Super Bowl, we should not be "amazed". We should be like, "oh, one of the teams in the fucking championship football game won it".




In the process of moving, he found the Superman cape he’d lost years earlier in St. Louis, put it on and led the Cards to the NFC West title. His partner in awesome offense is Larry Fitzgerald, who has established himself as the NFL's new state-of-the-art receiver.

Yes. He found his Superman cape. And two of the best wide receivers in the entire world playing on the same team, which plays it's home games in a dome and it's away games against the Rams. Who are also in a dome. An interior decorator with Lou Gehrig's Disease could throw for 300 yards in that situation.

Also..."partner in awesome offense"? Anyone who says something like that should have a partner in Massachusetts.




Kudos, too, to running back Edgerrin James, another recycled former star who moldered on the Arizona bench until he was thrown into the breach in the playoffs.

Yes. Using Merriam's dictionary (the one you used earlier to hunt for words to describe Arizona's season), Edgerring James disintegrated on the Arizona bench until he was thrown into a break in customary friendly situations in the playoffs. Hell of a job finding random words in the dictionary to describe the season thusfar, Celizic.




Warner has more incarnations than CSI. Warner is the guy who bagged groceries to pay the bills, who played in the Arena League and in Europe trying to prove he deserved a shot at the NFL.

CSI has had three. Las Vegas, New York and Miami. If everytime someone gets a new job they call it an "incarnation", then just about everybody on the planet has had more incarnations than CSI.




At the time, nobody said he didn’t deserve to be benched.

Yes they did. I remember saying it myself. He got sacked a bunch of times and had some costly fumbles. In his first game. It was kneejerk as fuck. I remember this.




There was a sign hanging during the game that advised the Cards to “Shock the World.” That’s a tired line that has never been used without shameful hyperbole. Nothing that happens in American professional sports is ever going to shock the world, and I’m confident that the vast majority of the planet’s 6.6 billion inhabitants went to bed Sunday night blissfully unaware that a professional football team in Arizona had done something that rattled the NFL to its foundations.

You hypocritical douchebag. This whole article you've been going on telling people to go do hyperbolous things like take their clothes off and run down broadway to appropriately celebrate the shockingness of this team, and that Edgerrin James decayed on the bench like a fucking Uranium isotope, and that there aren't enough words in the entire Goddamn language to describe what they have done, and now you are pretending to be the guy that reminds everybody that their are bigger things in the world other than football? Go fuck yourself with Hines Ward's missing knee ligament, you kid fellater.




Just don’t call them favorites to win the Super Bowl. They’ve done just fine as everybody’s underdog. They’ve hit on a formula, and I, for one, am not going to mess with it.

Very honorable of you, Celizic. I mean, you do have the influence to singlehandedly derail their entire season by writing that you expect them to win this game, but somehow you are resisting that urge.

Also, they beat Atlanta at home, got 5 or so gifts from Jake Delhomme in Carolina and then beat a shaky 9-6-1 Eagles team at home again to make it. That's why they are not favored. It has nothing to do with their respect cards.

The Ravens have the Steelers right where they want them

I'll tell you what, guys...I was really impressed with Joe Flacco's performance last night against the tough Pittsburgh Steeler defense. Sure, he only completed about 35% of his passes and threw three picks, but I don't think you can call it "shaky". And sure, the Ravens loss yesterday means that they lost to Pittsburgh three times on the season, including a tough one here in the AFC Championship Game. But...think about it.

The Ravens have the Steelers right where they want them.

That's just Raven football, playing it coy, keeping it close, waiting to pounce on any mistakes and completely change the complexion of the game. That's Raven football. They are like an acne medication on a 14 year old boy. And Ed Reed is that special ingredient that makes the Noxema work. The guy just changes the complexion of games singlehandedly. And what have the Ravens gone and done here? Well, they've convinced the Steelers that they can beat them three times in one year. And that's going to be huge next season.

Hear me out.

If the Steelers are able to beat the Ravens twice again in the regular season, setting up a playoff showdown in Heinz Field in the 2010 NFL playoffs....do you think the Steelers are going to come out with the same passion that they came out with last night? Do you really think Hines Ward will come out in that game next year with the same Asian fire that he displayed at the beginning of last night's matchup? I surely doubt it. The Steelers are going to come out on that field thinking that a win is a foregone conclusion, setting themselves up for a letdown game against the Ravens' NFL-best defense. I know that the Ravens are the NFL's best defense because I spoke to Ray Lewis before the game and he told me just that. He said "Phil, we are the NFL's best defense". And I said "do you really believe that, Ray?", and he gave me a strange type of reflective, yet preachy, yet unnecessarily dragged out, yet emphatic "yes" and began a dance and I could just see it in his jazz fingers that he knew what he was saying was truth. Plus, they have Ed Reed.

Ed Reed cuts the field in two and although he was directly responsible for Hines Ward getting an extra 35 yards in his big catch yesterday, you just can't throw the ball at Ed Reed. You have to find Ed Reed on the field and then throw where he's not at. Because he's a game-changer. And the Ravens have the Steelers believing that Ed Reed is not a game-changer.

And that's just the thing. Ed Reed is a game-changer.

So things may not have gone the Ravens' way last night. Well, that happens in the NFL. On any given Sunday, anything can happen. And the Ravens know this. The Ravens played it just about perfectly last night and are looking to strike the Steelers when they least expect it.

The Ravens have the Steelers just where they want them.