Ben, thanks for stopping by today. As I understand, you've had a bit of a hit to your image recently.
Yeah. It's been a rough couple of months. Ever since I raped that second chick, everybody thinks I'm a rapist.
You don't say. Well, you've come to the right place. Here at Fuckstick and Jones, we specialize in rebuilding that trust and public image that you've dismantled with your recent actions. We help the media to see the real Ben again. You will be redeemed, Ben.
You must be Fuckstick.
Uh...yeah. Anyway, I see you have brought a friend with you.
Yeah, that's my man Willie Colon. He's my offensive lineman. My right-hand man. Say hi, Willie.
...he's kind of shy. Anyway, what have you got cooked up for me?
Well...you've really done a number on yourself, Ben. People absolutely hate you right now. Women are appalled that you're raping them, men are appalled at the low quality of the women that you rape. The men we can worry about later. First step is to get women back on your side.
That's a great idea. How we gonna do that? Maybe I could do some breast cancer speeches or maybe bake some shit? I could do some kind of charity for battered women. You know, the one Silverback was gonna do if he actually gave a fuck about his public perception.
Well....that's what we would have suggested last year. But this is your second rape. Most people on their second rape are kind of, you know, in prison. We're going to have to go a step further for you.
You want me to actually do some community service of some sort? I could donate a lot of money to a woman's charity or something like that.
Let's just say...this one's gonna hurt you somewhere other than the wallet. I'm glad you brought your friend Willie with you.
...uh, yeah. I bring Willie everywhere. He makes sure I don't get in any trouble.
Well, he's obviously doing a heck of a job.
Ben, would you say that Willie is a good friend? Like, a real good friend?
Of course, me and Willie are total BFFs.
And you trust Willie? You have a good enough friendship and enough security to overcome certain...activities?
Uhhh...what are you getting at?
We figure there's really only one way for you to connect with these women that are against you even playing in the NFL again.
What is that? Willie sucks at baking. He's not going to be able to help me there.
Ben...we need Willie to rape you.
Whoa, motherfucker! I don't swing that way, bitch! I'm not even under contract right now!
But Willie, surely you see...
I don't see shit, motherfucker! Cut him! Trade the motherfucker! I don't recall being asked to rape Dennis Dixon. Fuck. That.
But Willie, this just might work. And we're total BFFs...
I told you, Willie, I swear, that was my last rape!
Willie, this is the only way to salvage Ben's reputation.
Fuck off, man! Everybody knows he did it. His reputation is irreparable. What's me raping him gonna do? You think this is a media distraction right now? Just imagine until it gets out that the Steelers players are raping each other. I'm supposed to deal with that on the road? Man, fuck this. I'm out of here.
Come on, Willie!
*Willie leaves the room*
Damn it. I figured that might happen. Ben, do you know anyone else who may be alright with this plan?
I think I got this covered.
*Pulls out cell phone*
Yo yo Big Ben, what's goin on my man?
Hey Jeff, we got a keg down here at....
I'll be right there.
*hangs up*
You think you can get a keg?
