Thursday, January 7, 2010

I wore Max Starks' condom once

Anyway, right before I moved to the Everglades, I was working as a valet at some Pittsburgh area night spots. But not your normal valet where some dude in a suit pulls up to some fancy little gay restaurant and has you park his Lincoln in a garage. No, we were working at a place where every car had rims and they all pulled up at the same damn time and we hustled to put them all in an alley. Without scuffing the rims. And, on Sundays at one of these places, many Steelers would typically pull up after home games (or afternoon road games against close division opponents). So that was always pretty interesting. Willie Parker owes me $20 and Joey Porter hates me. So does Casey Hampton, but he hates everybody. Big Snack was typically a Big Prick.

Joey Porter hates me because I broke into his car and stole $4,000 from one of his friends. Not that I actually did, of course. But try telling that to Joey Porter and his friends. During some nights in that area, people were breaking into cars and stealing the stereo systems out of them, as they were typically expensive after-market upgrades. And they did some numbers on them, too. Somebody broke into Ricardo Colclough's car and tore it apart so badly that it wouldn't even start. Had to tow it out of there. And they broke into Peezy's van as well. Yes, the Peezy Van. A white van that said PEEZY on it. I had never even heard him referred to as Peezy before this. I also lost the keys to his other car when I accidentally locked them in Casey Hampton's car and forgot about them. So Peezy was nonplussed when I told him that I lost his keys along with the fact that I allegedly broke into his van. Luckily I remembered where the keys to the Hummer were after a few minutes.

But really, Joey...why would I break into your van? I HAD THE KEYS! I could have opened the door, taken money out of your Hawaiian friend's wallet and left. Do you think that in between parking your whips I also destroyed Ricardo Colclough's car? And your friend couldn't fly back to Hawaii the next day because I stole his whole wallet. Why would I do that if I had time to plan this all out? I don't even want this dude's wallet. And if I had it, yinz could have just had me arrested right there on the spot. I guess I could have pretended to break in to make it look like I had done it, but it would have been pretty damn hard to do all of this while parking your cars. Anyway, Joey Porter thinks I broke into his car. So does Casey Hampton. The next week they pulled up and said "now nobody better break into the cars this week...we know you did it". Then why come back? That would be like Roethlisberger going back to his hoe in Vegas and saying, "hey, I know you accused me of rape last time and the case is still pending...but can we do it off the record this time?". Anyway, they aren't as intimidating in person as you would think. When Casey Hampton flipped out because a bar employee tried to have him move an hour after the bars closed so that he could sweep around his seat, Snack got all pissed that he was being disrespected and talked about how much money he brought into the place. Came off as more of a 'bag than a badass.

Regardless, Snack was the only one who really did that. The rest of the Steelers are really cool dudes. Charlie Batch and Mike Logan used to hook me up on the reg with tips; they were the only ones to do so. But with the money we charged to park I didn't really expect any tips. I was paid well just for being there. One of the coolest, most down to Earth Steelers was none other than Max Starks (along with Kemo and Najeh Davenport). Max was the man. So we hooked Max up when we could. After his injury in the 2006 season, he stopped by real quick once. Just for about 20 mins. So we pulled his car right up to the corner and didn't charge him. However, as I got out of the car, a wrapped condom fell out onto the sidewalk. A Magnum, of course. And I had never even tried using one of them. So I put it in my pocket for later. Max also handed me $10 on his way out. Thanks, Max!

It took a few weeks since I wasn't a player back then, but of course I got a chick to do me before I left for Florida. I still had Max Starks' Magnum handy and decided to try it out and, well, see if it fit. Lo and behold, they are pretty much the same size as regular condoms...maaaayyyybe a bit wider, so if anything they are easier to put on. No hassles with the Mag. They'll pretty much fit anybody, though, which leads me to believe that most people who use them just do so for the status and to make themselves feel better. Regardless, I tried it, it worked, and I gave the business to a young lady with Max Starks' condom.

Thanks again, Max!


Grumpy said...

Now that's a great story. I've heard that in Mexico and Latin American countries Trojan sizes their condoms and the biggest seller is XL. Actually, they're all the same.

howard in nyc said...

the magnum condom is larger. but, you feel so masculine using one, your pee-pee grows two sizes and fills it up. kinda like the grinch's heart.

you may not notice. but be assured, your young lady does.

Vern said...

- I don't doubt it. I want to start a line with the smallest size listed as "Giant". Bet I'd be a millionaire.

- It's just not that much larger. I can imagine it fitting the majority of people. But that does explain why they call me "Grinch".

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