F You, Verizon

I have been trying to get a new phone from Verizon for THREE F-ING MONTHS.

THREE MONTHS!

And I still have the same old God-damned motherf-ing 5 year old flip phone that can't check MY MOTHERFUCKING EMAIL! What if I get an email from some hot chick that says "hey, I don't usually write emails to dudes asking if I can blow them right now because who does that, but today just seems different". I'd be screwed! Well, not screwed. That's how I'd be screwed. Anyway, you get the point.

I was going to get the original Motorola Droid in late May, but I saw that a phone called the "Incredible" from HTC was coming out. And it was incredible, and so I decided to wait. And wait I did. Went into the store, they didn't have them. Come back on the 7th. Came back on the 7th, they said come back on the 21st. Came back on the 21st, they said they don't sell them in the stores anymore, get it online. Didn't get paid, had to cancel the order. Got paid, tried to order it again, and they had pushed it back now until mid-August.

Is this HTC's or Verizon's fault? Probably a little of each, but who cares about HTC. Verizon had a shortage of phones so they had to have more built. And then they didn't have enough built to meet a demand that they fucking knew of quite well. And, of course, every Verizon store is decked out in ads for this phone during this whole saga. BUY A DROID PHONE GET A FREE ONE!*



*Phones not actually in stock. And won't be for months. Fuck you.



So, I sigh and mutter something in my head and order this phone online again. But, I make one last call to a store somewhere in the sticks to see if they have it. They do not, but he has a Motorola Droid X prototype and it is coming out on July 15. He tells me that I will be upset if I get the Incredible without checking out the X. So I go out and check it out.

And the X is awesome. Huge screen. Lightning fast internet. It's great. And it's available BEFORE the Incredible's stock will be replenished. I'm in. I gave him my number and he said he'd call on Wednesday and I could pay then and pick it up on Thursday. Perfect.

Didn't get a call. Whatever, Verizon's going to have plenty of these available.

Right?

Fuck no.

Again. Three months of this and Verizon, et. al. still cannot get this fucking right. Not exactly the way to make a dent in the smart phone market. I'm fed up. I'm pissed. I'm about to cancel my phone and go to AT&T because even though it's AT&T and I like Droids better than iPhones, you can walk into an AT&T store and you can leave it WITH A MOTHERFUCKING PHONE. Quite the concept there. Revolutionary business plan.

But it was going to cost $60 to cancel the line. I'm cheap and it has like, 21 days left. Then I calmed down, said to myself, "man...you really hate AT&T. And every motherfucker has a damn iPhone. Just order the damn phone online".

So I did. And it ships next Friday.

Fuck me.

Oh, Florio

Let's check in on the latest opinion piece from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle pictured above, Mike Florio.

Last week, Panthers receiver Steve Smith made a bad decision to play flag football with adults.

This week, Giants receiver Steve Smith made a bad decision to play funny man regarding adultery.

In the wake of news that Tiger Woods will pay his ex-wife hundreds of millions in a divorce settlement, Smith (the New York one) had this to say on his Facebook page:  "Big up to Tigers wife all she had to do is open her legs and say 'I Do' and now she's one of the richest people in the world lol."

For starters, his comment isn't humorous.  The bigger problem?  Smith is suggesting that she somehow trapped Tiger in the hopes of cashing in.  But she's not the one who repeatedly and brazenly violated the marital vows; he did.

Tiger's not the victim here.  If he didn't think he could honor his promises to his wife, he never should have gotten married.  Especially when he knew that failure to do so would result in giving her a large chunk of his financial empire.

Holy God, Florio. More sanctimonious drivel.

So...let me get this straight. Steve Smith made the bad decision of...posting something that Florio disagreed with? Michael Vick just shot a guy. Santonio Holmes Twittered about smokin' the ganj. So did a WR from the Florida Gators recently. Darnell Dockett put a video of himself showering on some Youtube-type site. Terry Bradshaw fucked Elena Kagan on Perez Hilton's website twenty minutes after her Supreme Court confirmation hearings. There are much worse and much dumber things going down right now.

But this...this one's the worst. Because Florio doesn't agree with it.

For starters, Mike, YOU don't think it's humorous. I'm not exactly suggesting that Steve Smith should open up for Louis CK during the off-season, but I thought it was slightly chucklesworthy. But..."the bigger problem"? "Smith is suggesting (Tiger) trapped (Elin)"? Why is that the bigger problem? Why is that even a problem? Is he on her legal team? Was she fucking Steve Smith on the side during her marriage? Who the fuck cares? Why do I bother?

And Elin is the victim. But then she got $750 million. Sooooo, sorry if I can't drum up the requisite amount of sadness for her.

Tiger obviously shouldn't have gotten married. Even though adultery isn't a crime, it's not the best look for your public image. And it's gonna cost you. But to suggest that Steve Smith has a problem for making a joke about Elin's now likely diamond-vajazzled nether regions makes me want to jump out of Chris Henry's pickup truck.

Fucking Florio.