Disrespecting the Titans

Ohhh, look at you Keith Bulluck, stomping on that $3 towel. Crushing an entire fanbase's dreams below your feet. Whatever. Am I supposed to care? The Towel is cool and all but I don't view it with the same reverence as many, I guess. Hey Lendale, that's great that you are going to stomp on the Terrible Towel again if you win, because after you lose, James Harrison is going to choke the fuck out of Jeff Fisher's wife.

Get fired up, people. It's that time of year again. Time to derail the disrespect train off of the motivation tracks on its way to Nobody-Believed-In-Us-Ville. This should surely spur the Titans to victory, unlike the shocking Steeler victories in the face of grave disrespect last season against the likes of San Diego, Baltimore and Arizona, no? We'll see. In the meantime, it's time to tell Justin Gage just how obvious it is that he flosses his teeth with Kyle Vanden Bosch's pubes while the ghost of Steve McNair jacks off in the background.





Lendale, LenFail, LenWhale, LenStale, TouchMales, whatever. A name conducive to nicknames that people think are funny but when you look at them, they really aren't. But that's not important. Whale, the reason nobody cares about you stomping on the towel is not because you gave up Patron and dick to lose 30 lbs and aren't going to do irreparable damage to its structural integrity...no, it's because you are the backup running back and nobody cares what you say. You can counter that you scored 15 TDs last year, but that's really only going to offend Chris Johnson. Regardless, I don't James Harrison is going to care either way what you guys want to name yourselves. Smash and Dash, Pound and Ground, Fuck and Suck, whatever. You might end up with 15 TDs this year as well. One in each game. Starting next week.





Hey, Kerry Collins. Nice to see you are still around. Huge 12 TDs last year, man. Really earned that contract. Beat out Vince Young! The future! Now you are "The Present". Or more likely, "The Stopgap". That's great that you aren't an alcoholic anymore, and I guess you've helped LenBraille out in that regard as well. Now maybe you can turn your attention towards Young and actually accomplish something this year, because you sure as hell aren't going to do anything meaningful in the games except maybe not completely fuck up, you pale grey motherfucker. You look like a Republican version of Kordell Stewart.






:(

Damn it, is it football season again? I have to change my Myspace mood status to "disconsolate". Maybe throw a tear in there as well.

"Vince is ;("


PERFECT! *submit*






Don't think I forgot about you, Mr. Bulluck. The heart and soul of this defense, which would be great if you were writing songs or screenplays or something. But no matter how much of your soul you pour into your play and no matter how much of your heart you leave out there on the field, it's not going to help you tackle Mendenhall. That is, if you don't get blocked now that Haynesworth is paralyzing people with his Ferrari up in Washington now. But keep stomping on towels. That will help you cover Heath Miller, if Heath Miller were a towel.






Jeez, Titans, you guys are really getting up there in age. Kevin Mawae is still alive? I would have figured he'd be fucking Esera Tuaolo by now. The stalwart of the Titans O-Line, Kevin Mawae looks to snap some serious balls this year. To Kerry Collins. Really exciting offense this year in Tennessee. If it weren't for Chris Johnson, their games would probably be on CSPAN this year. Is Jim Inhofe going to be the offensive coordinator this year? He'll probably be appalled by the gayness of Nate Washington's mohawk.






And finally, coach Jeff Fisher. Looking more homeless than Kerry Collins on his worst day. Loving the leather jacket. You know what, this isn't funny, Google Image Search. Not funny at all. I ask you for Jeff Fisher, and you come back to me with a guy who obviously sells control valves. Yeah, the jokes on me, huh? Didn't think I'd realize it, did you? So fuck you, Google. Fuck you and fuck Sergey Brin. And Jeff Fisher. And Michael Roos. And Bud Adams. And every single member of the Tennessee Titans. Put it on your bulletin boards, bitches.

GAY CHAMPIONS: Esera Tuaolo

Second in the series of GAY CHAMPIONS, in honor of the Beijing Olympic games and an ode to gay champions of our past, Esera Tuaolo...a kind, affable man who with a wink casually invites you to climb Gay Mountain.

Tuaolo was born in Honolulu, Hawaii, a city named for the ancient act of scraping hummus off of another man's penis with your teeth. Esera fought through the gayness and played football for the Oregon State University Beavers, a bit of irony that was surely not his intention. Tuaolo played well enough to be drafted by the Green Bay Packers, and he enjoyed a rather eventless but lengthy (and girthy) playing career in the NFL. He never played for a Super Bowl winning team, but his championness was cemented in 1999 as he played on the NFC Champion Atlanta Falcons team. Although the Falcs were not able to prevail over the heterosexual Denver Broncos in the Super Bowl, Tuaolo still bravely played just well enough to keep his spot on the team. CHAMPION.

In the article linked to, Tuaolo recounts with extreme sadness the internal pain he felt when teammates mockingly joked about two penises touching one another. This pain did not drive Tuaolo to become a gay champion

"I'm pausing,'' he tells HBO correspondent Bernard Goldberg, "because you just took me back, took me back to me biting my lip again." Tuaolo would laugh at the jokes on the outside, but "inside it would be tearing me up, that I stood there and listened to it and didn't say anything about it."

This pain did not drive Tuaolo to become a gay champion; indeed, he became one in spite of it, triumphing over not only opposing players, but also over homophobia and gayness itself. Esera Tuaolo was bigger than gayness. He was gayness, whatever that means. I'm losing my train of gay thought here.

After Esera retired from the NFL, he finally came out in 2002 as a man who prefers the exclusive company of other men, to which he credited his newfound happiness. No longer did he have to disguise himself by doing shot after shot of (apple-flavored) tequila, and no longer did he have suicidal thoughts (suggestively) dancing through his head. Tuaolo mentioned that he didn't give it his all due to the possibilities that the increased attention that becoming a star would bring could lead to his being outed, publicly humiliated, tarred and feathered, and forced to Honolulu with shady men in dark, secluded alleys. His friend said that did not have any dreams to play in the NFL, and was really just doing it for the paycheck. And let me tell you, I can surely respect that. Esera Tuaolo will always be a gay champion in my book, which will likely be entitled "GAY CHAMPIONS". It will largely be about gay champions.

GAY CHAMPIONS: Greg Louganis

First in the series of GAY CHAMPIONS, in honor of the Beijing Olympic games and an ode to gay champions of our past, Greg Louganis...a man who could make you gay just by staring deeply into your eyes.

And let's face it, being notably gay in an event as gay as diving is in accomplishment in itself. That means that Louganis was even gayer than you originally would have thought, out there flipping and twisting and diving into pools of rainbow sherbet and into the hearts of millions. But not only was Louganis gay...he was also a champion.

Greg was originally favored to win two golds in the 1980 Moscow Olympics, however, as soviet Russia was locked in a painfully uneventful Cold War with the United States, we boycotted these Olympics and denied the then 20-year old Louganis a shot as his dreams. Or, at least, I'm assuming those were his dreams, since he was gay and...well, you know, all gays dream about winning Olympic gold in the springboard. A lesser gay would have resigned himself to giving handjobs in back alleys between tears, but not Louganis. Louganis came back stronger than ever in L.A. in 1984 and won two gold medals, setting records for both total points and margin of victory. Greg Louganis became a GAY CHAMPION.

In 1988 in Seoul, Louganis again came in poised to take the gold medals that were rightfully his. Unfortunately, he slipped and hit his head off of the diving board in the prelims, giving himself a concussion and getting his blood all over the diving board, which would later turn into gay controversy in itself. And Louganis, ever the gay competitor, did anything but quit. He came back strong, finished the prelims, made the finals, and repeated the SAME EXACT DIVE to take home the gold. Champion.

The controversy I speak of was the revelation by Louganis in 1994 that he was gay and had the HIV, and that everybody else on the board had to step on his AIDS-blood. He was then criticized by the director of the US Olympic Committee, Harevy Schiller, obviously an expert at the forefront of the HIV research movement. Louganis, unfortunately, couldn't hear Schiller due to all of the gold medals in his ears. Most of Louganis' corporate sponsors, not looking to sponsor AIDS, dropped his endorsements. Speedo, however, stood by his side...of course, if Speedo was worried about being associated with gayness, well, they lost that battle a looooooong time ago.

In spite of the obstacles he faced, and the fallout he endured when he spoke of his HIV-ness, Greg Louganis persevered through it all and became what most gays can only dream about becoming...a GAY CHAMPION.