Ultimatim

Hey there, Jeff! Hey, got a little suggestion I'd like to make. And by suggestion, I mean you are going to start Vince at QB this week.

Awwwww, come on Mr. Adams, for real?

Hell yes I'm for real! Y'all are an embarrassment to the state 'a Tennessee this year and I'd like to see what my boy Vince can do out there on the football field

But sir, we're still trying to win these games! I still feel that Kerry....

Listen you fuckin' NASCAR-looking jizz-sipper! I'm the boss around here, and I say start Vince. If you don't, I swear to God I will come down there and rip that fucking pubestache right off that Jiffy Lube-ass face of yours. You hear me?

Yes, sir.

*hangs up*

Fuck me. Seriously...I hope somebody comes in here in a Home Depot apron and shovel-fucks me. Just fuck me with a fucking shovel.

God damn it. I guess I had better break the news to Vince.

Oh fuck yeah, this is tight! This shit gonna be hot.

Damn...what's coach want? Shouldn't he be watchin' film or some shit?

*answers phone*

What up, Fishsticks?

*sighs*

Hey, Vince. What's up, buddy? How you doin'?

Working on my Halloween costume...I'm going to be a panda this year. Shit's gonna be tight. I'll show you.

*sends picture message*

Vince, I don't need to see your costume....

*checks new message*

Holy fuck, Vince! That's awesome! You look like...like an actual panda!

Are you....are you eating bamboo?

Hell yeah, Coach! Just like a real panda.

How long did it take you to make that costume, Vince?

'Bout 50 hours, I'd say. I been workin' on it for awhile now. I got a lotta time since Lendale ain't drinkin' Patron with me anymore. So I just been drinkin' that shit straight out the bottle and workin' on this panda, ya know what I'm sayin'? I'm probably gonna make a full body suit and be like, a real panda and...eh, you know what? Fuck it. I don't really want to make a suit. Fuck it. I'll just go like this.

Vince, Vince...I got it. I just wish you would spend this much time and attention in the film room.

I'm guessing you've seen what Bud said on TV by now, right?

 Nah Coach...I been spendin' all that time getting fucked up and makin' this panda. I ain't seen shit on TV.

Oh...hmm. Well...Bud demanded that I start you at quarterback this weekend. 

What? What the fuck you say, Coach?

You're gonna be starting this week. So you might want to stop drinking for a bit, you know, cause you're going to have to like, play football this weekend.

No way Coach, I done spent too much time on this panda costume and I got like mad fuckin' parties to hit this weekend, dog. I ain't doin' it.

Vince, you're gonna start this weekend.

This is your chance to resurrect your career, Vince! You have to take this seriously.

Awww, damn Coach. You right. I guess I'll stop drinkin for a bit and maybe check out some film and try to get back....

That's what I like to hear!

....and like, maybe practice hard this week and like....oh, fuck it. Fuck it, man.

What? What do you mean "fuck it"?

Just fuck it, Coach...ya know? Fuck it. I got all this shit to do this weekend and I ain't make this panda for nothin'. I'm gonna be gettin' some serious ass with this thing. Fuck football. I don't want to start. I don't think. Just fuck it. Fuck it with a shovel, ya know what I mean? Iiiiiite coach, I'm gonna go do some shots with Limas Sweed.

*Sighs*

I know what you mean, Vince. I know what you mean.


Fuck it.

Disrespecting the Titans

Ohhh, look at you Keith Bulluck, stomping on that $3 towel. Crushing an entire fanbase's dreams below your feet. Whatever. Am I supposed to care? The Towel is cool and all but I don't view it with the same reverence as many, I guess. Hey Lendale, that's great that you are going to stomp on the Terrible Towel again if you win, because after you lose, James Harrison is going to choke the fuck out of Jeff Fisher's wife.

Get fired up, people. It's that time of year again. Time to derail the disrespect train off of the motivation tracks on its way to Nobody-Believed-In-Us-Ville. This should surely spur the Titans to victory, unlike the shocking Steeler victories in the face of grave disrespect last season against the likes of San Diego, Baltimore and Arizona, no? We'll see. In the meantime, it's time to tell Justin Gage just how obvious it is that he flosses his teeth with Kyle Vanden Bosch's pubes while the ghost of Steve McNair jacks off in the background.





Lendale, LenFail, LenWhale, LenStale, TouchMales, whatever. A name conducive to nicknames that people think are funny but when you look at them, they really aren't. But that's not important. Whale, the reason nobody cares about you stomping on the towel is not because you gave up Patron and dick to lose 30 lbs and aren't going to do irreparable damage to its structural integrity...no, it's because you are the backup running back and nobody cares what you say. You can counter that you scored 15 TDs last year, but that's really only going to offend Chris Johnson. Regardless, I don't James Harrison is going to care either way what you guys want to name yourselves. Smash and Dash, Pound and Ground, Fuck and Suck, whatever. You might end up with 15 TDs this year as well. One in each game. Starting next week.





Hey, Kerry Collins. Nice to see you are still around. Huge 12 TDs last year, man. Really earned that contract. Beat out Vince Young! The future! Now you are "The Present". Or more likely, "The Stopgap". That's great that you aren't an alcoholic anymore, and I guess you've helped LenBraille out in that regard as well. Now maybe you can turn your attention towards Young and actually accomplish something this year, because you sure as hell aren't going to do anything meaningful in the games except maybe not completely fuck up, you pale grey motherfucker. You look like a Republican version of Kordell Stewart.






:(

Damn it, is it football season again? I have to change my Myspace mood status to "disconsolate". Maybe throw a tear in there as well.

"Vince is ;("


PERFECT! *submit*






Don't think I forgot about you, Mr. Bulluck. The heart and soul of this defense, which would be great if you were writing songs or screenplays or something. But no matter how much of your soul you pour into your play and no matter how much of your heart you leave out there on the field, it's not going to help you tackle Mendenhall. That is, if you don't get blocked now that Haynesworth is paralyzing people with his Ferrari up in Washington now. But keep stomping on towels. That will help you cover Heath Miller, if Heath Miller were a towel.






Jeez, Titans, you guys are really getting up there in age. Kevin Mawae is still alive? I would have figured he'd be fucking Esera Tuaolo by now. The stalwart of the Titans O-Line, Kevin Mawae looks to snap some serious balls this year. To Kerry Collins. Really exciting offense this year in Tennessee. If it weren't for Chris Johnson, their games would probably be on CSPAN this year. Is Jim Inhofe going to be the offensive coordinator this year? He'll probably be appalled by the gayness of Nate Washington's mohawk.






And finally, coach Jeff Fisher. Looking more homeless than Kerry Collins on his worst day. Loving the leather jacket. You know what, this isn't funny, Google Image Search. Not funny at all. I ask you for Jeff Fisher, and you come back to me with a guy who obviously sells control valves. Yeah, the jokes on me, huh? Didn't think I'd realize it, did you? So fuck you, Google. Fuck you and fuck Sergey Brin. And Jeff Fisher. And Michael Roos. And Bud Adams. And every single member of the Tennessee Titans. Put it on your bulletin boards, bitches.