The number one Google Image result for "Santonio Holmes"...

...is a picture of the budding star standing in a shower. Wearing nothing. This is not news as the picture is months old but...jeez. Number one result means that you have arrived. And apparently nothing says "FOOTBALL SEASON!" like a member of the Pittsburgh Steelers having a picture of his penis on the internet. Who's it gonna be next year? Bruce Arians?

Unfortunately, only the male athletes seem to have a habit of doing this. I've been searching for Lisa Leslie nudes for years now with no luck. You'd think she would have slipped up and accidentally been exposed on the web, as her vagina is probably taller than Darren Sproles. Same goes for Rebecca Lobo. I've been searching for pictures of her undoubtedly sweet tits posting some poor chick up down in the low post ever since the WNBA was invented by some Denver-area insurance salesmen in the mid-90s. But I can't find a damn thing.

SO COME ON MARTINA NAVRATILOVA, GET THAT SNATCH ON THE WEBS!!!!

If I was into dudes...

...then I would totally bang Lisa Leslie. The "mop" hairstyle really turns me on, I won't lie. And the teeth...those teeth look like they could chew through Andre the Giant's pubic hairs. And from what I hear, that is no small accomplishment. Unfortunately, I'm just not into dudes.

But there's nothing wrong with that, if you are. Some people just happen to be into dudes. Who am I to judge? And if you are into dudes, then I bet you have a pretty healthy man-crush on Lisa Leslie. Those eyes just light up a room. Or a maintenance garage. I bet Lisa Leslie can fix your truck if it breaks down, and that's kind of a turn-on. But not for me, since I'm not into dudes.

But if I was? Oh man, Lisa Leslie would totally get it. For hours. Hour after hour after thrust after pull out after ejaculation. Look at that necklace? I bet she's no stranger to wearing one made out of pearls. But it's not going to come from me, since I'm not into dudes.

But oh, if I was...