Thursday, April 24, 2008


Hi, I'm Trey Wingo and it's time to breakdown this big upcoming matchup between America and the Terrorists. Joining me in the studio are the professor, John Clayton, and the career backup, Sean Salisbury. How are you, fellas?

Pretty good, Trey.

*cut off by Salisbury*

Damn good, Wingo. I'm ready to break this shit down.

Ok, well let's start with you, Sean.

Trey, all week long we've been hearing from America that "we just cannot let the terrorists win." And I agree with them, this is a must win matchup for America. They've been taking hits in the media for the past couple years, you know, that they just aren't getting it done even though on paper, they should win this matchup in a landslide. Their coaching has been taking huge hits as well, and although I don't necessarily agree with all the criticism, the fact is that if they would have just gone out there and performed as well as they are capable of performing, that this would all be moot.

Sean, you don't agree with the criticisms on their coaching? Are you serious? This is a team that is just stacked talentwise. There is no doubt about it, they are the most talented team in the league. And their game planning has just been atrocious. You can't possibly be defending this coaching or...

Listen, Cryptkeeper. I'd like to see you go out there and coach this team. They are a huge team. There are alot of egos on this team, and a huge fanbase that they have to appease.

Sean, let's keep it civil.

*mockingly* "Sean, let's keep it civil, Sean, let's not say mean names." What are we, in grade school? Lighten up.

Sean, you've visibly hurt the Professor.

Well, he needs to stop being a crybaby. Look, America has done a good job given the circumstances, and still finds themselves in a position to win this matchup. I'm tired of hearing complaints from armchair quarterbacks who have never actually played in a game in their lives.

Sean, you haven't played in a game in your life either. You were a backup to Gary Hogeboom. And we aren't even talking about football here.

Clayton, you look like a fucking radish. I don't want to hear this. The terrorists are going to get stomped. Their coaching is terrible, no one knows who is in power over there, position coaches are getting killed by the week, and they just aren't drafting as well as they used to. No one wants to play for this team anymore.

Sean, *wipes tear*, the terrorists can win this game, and I think that they will. Their attack on offense is unpredictable. The American offense, on the other hand, is regimented, old-fashioned, and just plain vanilla. They have been outwitted this entire time.

Well, you hairless fucking gerbil, just because the terrorists know what's coming doesn't mean they can stop it. You can't draw up a defense against scud missiles.

Sean, I think we are out of time here. I'd like to thank the Professor and the Backup for, as usual, another great debate.

My pleasure, Trey.

*sobs uncontrollably*