Tuesday, April 1, 2008

Opening Day with Joe Morgan!

Very few people actually know this, but my grandmother Delores actually went to high school with Joe Morgan back in Bonham, TX. Now, Delores is certainly no stranger to the Texas Blacksnake, and she has actually remained good friends with Morgan since their high school days. Joe actually bailed me out of prison a few years ago after I got locked up on a public decency charge for whipping my cock out at an anti-abortion rally. Regardless, Joe was excited to see that I learned how to type, and offered to give his insight on daily happenings in the baseball world in my little corner of the internet. So, take it away, Joe.

Thanks, Vern! As you all undoubtedly know, yesterday was the greatest day of the year, and a national holiday in the Morgan household! Opening day! Bats on balls, cracks of the bat, pops of the glove, pokes of the syringe through your first baseman's forearm. Baseball's back! A sign throughout most of the country that spring is here, summer is close, and baseball is now. A time where I would love to have stock in Tide, what with all the dirty uniforms out there, as opening day is known as one of the grittiest times of the year, with everybody so fresh. It's not quite as strong as playoff grit, which actually takes a concentration higher than household bleach to cut through, but it's close. The grit level wasn't quite as high as last year's, since Juan Pierre was mysteriously demoted in favor of a man who is actually able to hold the bat above his shoulders for more than 3 seconds at a time, but it was still a great day for casual fans and purists alike. Let's recap!

In Cuba, the highly anticipated debut of Johan Santana was all that was expected, as the Mets easily held off the Marlins. Santana, proof of the time-tested theory that pitching wins games, allowed only three hits through 7 as the Mets, who proved that offense wins games, were able to put up a 7-spot and outscore the Marlins, who scored 2 runs, which is less than 7 runs. I expect big things out of the Mets this year, just like I did last year before they collapsed due to a lack of heart. I don't know about you, but it looked yesterday like these Mets may have received a heart transplant. Was Dr. Robert Jarvik hanging around the clubhouse yesterday lol?

In New York, the final home opener was postponed, but I still like the Yankees chances if the rain holds off, as they have to be considered the favorites right now.

Other games I liked included the D-Backs at Cincinnati, where Dusty Baker's debut got off to a rocky start, running into the buzzsaw that is Brandon Webb's, uh...whatever arm he throws baseballs with. I still think things are looking good for Dusty's squad, as they play the game the right way, and they still have to be considered the favorites right now.

Milwaukee went into Chicago and spoiled the Cub's opener, as it looks like the Cubs (on pace to finish 0-162) will be saying "wait until next year" again. Although, to be fair, there still is some time left in the season to turn it around. They will have to work very hard, though, and possibly dive for a few more bloopers and ground balls. Get those uniforms dirty, guys!

Kansas City went into Detroit and beat the high priced Tigers, causing GABRmetricians everywhere to reanalyze their gaybermetrics, as that fat fuck Cabrera is not going to win them games by sitting around taking walks, eating pie, and clogging up the bases like a terminal full of fat southerners at Hartsfield-Jackson. Kansas City proved that playing baseball the way Ty Cobb played it, the way it was meant to be played, is still the way to win games. If the Tigers have to spike a few second basemen, then hey, they better do it. Detroit cannot be considered one of the favorites right now.

Tampa Bay surprised Baltimore in a game that nobody cared about, but, according to my records here, was indeed actually played.

A big second inning lead Cleveland over the White Sox at Jacobs Field, as the Indians bats have shown no dormancy from the bear-like slumber that they have been taking over the past couple months during which there weren't any games being played of baseball on the diamonds. Chicago did not look bad, though, and Ozzie Guillen's guys have to be considered to be the favorites right now. I've learned to never count out a crazy manager who swears and calls reporters fags.

In LA, the Giants tried to play the right way, but could not small-ball any runs off of Brad Penny. You have to like the way that Joe Torre is willing his guys to play through unknown telekinetic forces that only Joe Torre is capable of emitting.

Seattle, behind Beltre's bat and a strong showing from the 'pen, was able to hold off Texas up at Safeco. Since this was in the Pacific Northwest, no one realizes yet that it even happened, and they probably don't care, either.

Minnesota surprised the LA Angels that play in California north of San Diego and south of Sacramento of Anaheim, winning 3-2 behind the strong ball throwing of Livan Hernandez, who is indeed still alive. Once again, pitching wins championships. However, offense and stolen bases win regular season games, so we'll see what actually happens to the Twins as the season progresses. I wouldn't rule out a few tie ballgames. Place your bets now, folks. Torii Hunter left the game in the 2nd inning after having a seizure.

The Rockies played the Cardinals, but then it rained.

The Pirates went into Atlanta looking for a soul to steal, and indeed did, as they raced out to a big lead in a game in which runs were easy to come by and, as they are inversely proportional, pitching was not easy to uh, come by. Lol at my grammar. This game featured 29 total hits over 12 innings, complete with two HRs by Xavier Nady, including the game winning in the 12th. The Braves, not giving up, rallied behind Bobby Cox's telekinesis, but could not duplicate their crazy 5-run 9th, and fell one run short in the bottom of the 12th. This game made my dick hard.

Finally, in San Diego, Jake Peavy knocked in two runs and held the Astro's scoreless on 4-hits to seal the deal for the Fathers. At this point, I have ejaculated into my pants and must change them.

So there you go! Opening day is now a memory, but we have 161 more games coming up to help us forget it. I don't know about you guys, but I'll be sitting here intently watching a couple games here and there so that I can give some expert insight on this here blog. Until then, I'm Joe Morgan, reminding you to avoid the tag!

1 comment:

Ryan said...

Joe Morgan's posts need to be called "Slidepieces". And tagged with "gravy" and "double penetration"

P.S. Fuck Arky Vaughan.