MEOW

*knock on door*


Oh, a visitor. Hines, put on your smile face.

Oh, hey Bengals linebackers.


were gonna get u hinds


Oh, that's cute. I'm sure you guys will.


hinds u hurt keith rivers cuz ur dirty and were gonna come after u


That's just football, man. We aren't gonna play any vagina-ball. You can ask Troy, although he'll put it in much nicer and more refined language.


hinds were gonna find u and were gonna hit you rilly hard


I'll be out on the field on Thursday, Bengals LBs. With my head on a swivel. And I suggest you do the same.


*leaps at hinds*

MROWWWWWWWWW!!!!


Whoa, Brandon Johnson. Wait until we get out on the field.

*puts down bowl of milk*


milk milk milk

*purrs while drinking milk*

u may have 1 this battle hinds but 2morrow victirry will be ours

*bengals LBs walk away while purring and rubbing up against each other*


Marvin Lewis has really installed some toughness in those guys, hasn't he?

Argument that chaps my balls V

Yesterday, I was listening to some talk radio in the morning when the hosts brought up something about Obama's 60 Minutes special where he talked about (insert what he talked about, because I'm done with this politics stuff for a few months and they don't make a fuck slight enough for me to give at this point). Well, at one point he got to talking about college football and it's need for a playoff system. Right on, Obama. You fucking tell 'em! Well, one of the hosts then made a ball-chapping statement that I've heard a few times in defense of the BCS...the regular season wouldn't matter without it.

Now hold the fuck on there, cowboy.

Wouldn't matter at all? If you took the top 8 teams?

Right now, I'll concede the argument that without the BCS, the most important games of the regular season would be less important than they are now. But these games wouldn't be important at all? Please. One game a week is important now. Here's what we have now:

Penn State playing Michigan State for the season finale this week - irrelevant

That recent LSU-Georgia game - meant nothing

Michigan at Ohio State - meaningless

BYU at Utah - Meaningless. I believe these are two undefeated teams. With an 8-team playoff, they'd be playing to see who gets to crash the BCS this year. Right now, they are playing for the right to go to the Apple Jacks Bowl.

Plus, just about all of the games that were important under this current system would still be important. Texas Tech - Texas would have been important because Texas Tech was #7. Florida-Georgia would have been important because Georgia was still alive. The games would still have meaning.

So don't chap my balls, man. It hurts.

Hey Steeler fans

Yesterday was a good day at the Steelers bar when all was said and done, due in large Rosanne Barr-esque part to the Steeler victory over the lightning bolts. Philip Rivers played ok but made one killer pick that the Steelers converted into a 2 inch field goal after a very heady play by Hines Ward to come over and help nudge San Antonio out of bounds.

But there were the usual few Steelers fans that I wanted to punch for all-out assault on reason.

First, and we'll call him "the guy who wears full Hines Ward uniform to the bar". He actually wore leg pads too, which means that he wore MORE FOOTBALL EQUIPMENT THAN HINES WARD TO A FUCKING BAR. And no, he doesn't just do that on Halloween. Fact is, this guy is scary how much he cares. The players themselves don't care as much as this guy does, at least not about a midseason game against a mid-tier non-divisional team. The sun will rise tomorrow, regardless of what happens. The grocery stores will be open. Lil' Wayne will release a mixtape.

But my main problem with this guy is his constant second-guessing of decisions while offering stupid rationale behind his decisions. First, the 51-yard FG attempt. My first thought was I'd go for it on 4th and 5, but if you think he can make the field goal you kick it. And Tomlin and Jeff Reed know better than us if they can make it or not. Reed had not missed a field goal all year, so I'll give him the benefit of the doubt. Now, he did miss this one, but he wasn't short with it. He just shanked it. So full pads guy starts screaming FUCK YOU TOMLIN, GO FOR IT!!!!, and I looked at him in disbelief that someone could have that much emotional investment in a call in the middle of the first quarter, and he says..."you gotta fucking GO FOR IT, our defense is AWESOME!". They weren't punting, dickhead. OUR DEFENSE IS AWESOME!!!! is just as much a reason to kick the field goal as to go for it, because...you know, the Chargers get the ball at about the same spot following a failure regardless of what route you take there. His response was "they should have fucking gone for it in this weather!!!". What the fuck do you know about kicking 51-yard field goals in the snow, douchebag? Are you diagnosing this situation from a bar in Fort fucking Lauderdale? Who are you, Bill Frist? You have no idea about the field. If you think you can make the field goal in a 0-0 game, I have no problem with taking that shot. And if you think you should go for it, hey, I have no problem with that opinion either. But at least defend your decision with something somewhat resembling sense.

Second, we've been hearing all of this GET RID OF THE BALL! stuff. And to some degree, it makes sense. But when you look at the BenView cam, you can see that in a lot of these instances, the WRs just aren't open. This was especially the case yesterday, as the WRs were having their way with the Chargers CBs but were very slow to get into their breaks (almost certainly due to the field conditions, which affect WR/CBs more than anyone as they are all about cuts and breaks and other assorted quick changes of direction. While Ben does get happy feet and step into a lot of sacks, he seemed to do ok yesterday waiting for these breaks to happen. People still yelled, "GET RID OF THE BALL!!!". Why!?!?! Either the line was playing very well or the Chargers pass rush was poor, but that's irrelevant. The fact remains that you should take as much time as you can to get rid of the ball if you have it. And Ben had it. There is no point in checking down every time just because you can. The simple fact is that the best cornerback in the world cannot stay with a receiver forever because only one of them knows where he is going. This is especially true on a slick field. So why get it out of there quickly when you don't have to? If you want big plays, you have to let them develop.

Now, that being said, there was one instance where I wanted to punch everybody in the room. The Steelers were on the 35/40ish yard line and Ben just hit Mewelde Moore for a 7 or so yard gain. Decent play, right? Well, CBS showed Santonio Holmes open for about 15 yards and then showed Nate Washington about to break open into the end zone on a post route. Of course, people were cursing Roethlisberger for checking it down and not waiting for the WRs to break open. Well what the fuck do you want, morons? You can't have it both way. Of course Ben should have taken some more time to look at the WRs, and he certainly had it. But every time he does, you yell at him to get rid of the ball. What the hell? Which way do you want it? Do you want him to hold the ball or get rid of it quick every play? God damn it, people. It's tough to watch the game when all you want to do is hit everyone around you. I felt like an abortion doctor at a Mike Huckabee rally.

That wasn't all, though. The group of lesbians behind me took offense to me coughing from their cig smoke, and we eventually started discussing Roethlisberger, and mainly why I defended him after he threw an incomplete pass to drop his numbers to something like 25 of 32 for 256 yards at the time. In the fucking snow. "He's soooo overrated!!!!", one of them yells, which is an argument you may be able to make with facts if you have the capability for rational thought. But, she didn't. "You are a typical Pittsburgh fan, always making excuses for the quarterback. You should go back!". Well, lesbian number one, I know you are pissed off that we just passed a ban on gay marriage, but don't take your anger out on logic. YOU, my vagina loving friend, are the typical Pittsburgh fan. Guy in full uniform told me earlier, "I bet they throw to a wide open guy on the sideline because Ike Taylor is 10 yards off of him". I bet you they don't, guy in uniform. Oh, look at that, safety, Silverback Harrison. "Catch the ball Ike!!!!", yells everybody as Ike Taylor breaks up a pass in the endzone with one fucking finger. None of you 'typical' fans seem to realize how lucky we are to have a corner as good as Ike Taylor is. He's fucking shutdown. We've been cursing our secondary for years, and now we have someone like Ike fucking wrecking shop back there, and you are pissed. Someone as uncoverable as Santonio Holmes is our second receiver, but you morons hate him. Hines Ward drops a pass right after Holmes does, but it's ok because Hines can do no wrong. Neither can Polamalu when he gets caught committing to a run fake or a receiver in the flat and gets burned deep. YOU are the typical fans. But back to the lesbian.

THE TYPICAL FAN MAKES EXCUSES FOR THE QB!!?!!?!?

Holy titmilking cousin of fuck, lady.

Have you paid attention recently?

We ran Neil O'Donnell out of town. For one bad game. In the Super Bowl. Which we didn't get back to for 10 more years, even though our teams were fucking stacked for that decade. Do you think Neil might have led us back to another one? I sure do. But it was not to be, as Usain Bolt couldn't run out of Pittsburgh faster than Neil O'Donnell did.

We were rewarded with Kordell Stewart, who had a lot of flaws but did get us to a few conference championship games. What happened when he didn't deliver? We decided that he was busy sucking dicks in Schenley Park (even though it was actually in Frick Park, according to a knowledged source).

We ran TERRY FUCKING BRADSHAW out of town. Now you want to run Ben out? For Byron Leftwich, who any team in the NFL could have had for Ford Taurus money? You people want Tomlin gone, too. And Arians, although I can't really argue too much on that one. You want Larry Zierling out of town. Larry Zierling is not the one who gave Max Starks $7 million. You want to sign DeAngelo fucking Hall. You want give 33-year old Faneca $35 million. Let the Jets and the Redskins make those stupid cap moves. That's not how you win Super Bowls. Unless you are playing Madden. If these people that called me a typical Pittsburgh fan were coaching the team, we'd have a new QB and a new coaching staff and a new RB and a new everything every fucking year. We'd build a Madden team and be crushed by the cap in 3 years, underperforming the entire way. The only constants would be Hines Ward and Troy Polamalu. Ike Taylor would be gone, but the corpse of Ty Law would be fucking LOCKING IT DOWN out there. Jerome Bettis would come back and dance around for 2 yards a carry, but he would kick up a cloud of fucking dust and it would be Steeler football and we can all be happy and go 6-10 and be SMASHMOUTH.

You wanted to run on 3rd and 1, and you got it the past two weeks. We got stuffed. It fucking happens. That's the NFL. So just shut the fuck up if you don't have anything resembling a logical sentence to say, and let me enjoy the game and high-five me when Ben hits Hines for a 15 yard touchdown or Harrison and Woodley crush the quarterback and knock the ball lose or Troy makes a sick interception. Wave your flags around when Jeff Reed hits a clutch field goal or Big Snack stuffs somebody on a 3rd and 1 play or Willie Parker breaks a 20 yard run outside. But don't yell about firing Tomlin when they have to punt or about putting in Leftwich when Ben throws an incompletion or replacing Ike when he breaks up one of the rare passes that QBs even throw at him without picking it off. Because I don't want to hear it, and I'm going to argue with you, and I'm going to insult you and my insults will be better than yours. And this is going to happen everytime you say something stupid and imply that you know anything that is going on better than I do and I should even give you the time of day. Because you are fucking retarded and it's hurting my face. So stop it.

Bristles for bitches

Friday was new toothbrush day. Yep, that's right. Big day, you know? I'm shopping for something to put in my mouth for the next month, so I'd like to get it right.

But every time I pick a toothbrush, I'm disappointed. Why? Well, they have a lot of "soft" bristle toothbrushes, which we all know are for gaping vaginas. And I'm like, no. Fuck that. I want to clean my teeth, not coddle them. And then I see some "medium" bristles. Better, but not good enough. I want "hard" bristles. Or "concrete". Or "will make your gums look like a meth addict's". But no. Nowhere to be found, ever. It's like "regular" and "large" condoms. Fucking retailers...if you have soft, you have to have hard. None of this medium stuff. Ridic.

So listen up, toothbrush manufacturers. Make some hard bristle toothbrushes. Make something that will scrape the fuck out of my teeth instead of making them feel "fresh". This isn't Summer's Eve, people. I want to know that my teeth have been sufficiently brushed because my gums start bleeding like a coke addict's nose. I want them to leave me crying harder than a Zimbabwean woman being fucked by a 12-inch dildo studded with conflict diamonds. MAN UP, TOOTHBRUSH MANUFACTURERS!!!!

Craigslist III

It's Craigslist time again. Time to titfuck some women in their tits.

LINKAGE (it will expire eventually, and so it will be preserved below)

-------------------------------------

As follows:

-------------------------------------

I WANT TO TITFUCK YOU IN THE TITS - m4w - 24 (Davie)

---

Reply to: pers-917337722@craigslist.org ^[?]
Date: 2008-11-13, 10:26AM EST


Yep. You read that right. I want to titfuck you right in the tits. Would that be easier to understand in caps lock? RIGHT IN THE DAMN TITS. With my penis, which is currently harder than organic chemistry. Does that turn you on? My cock looks kind of like an electron orbital diagram right now. Now pull your tits out and let me fuck them with my penis.

RIGHT IN THE TITS. That's where I want to titfuck you.

Now, I know what's going to happen. I'm going to get replies like, "ohhh, I barely even know you, can you titfuck me in the ear?", and "oh man, can you just titfuck my hair?".
No. I cannot. First off, you don't barely know me. That would insinuate that you had met me before, but just briefly. But you haven't. You don't know me at all. Second, I CAN ONLY TITFUCK YOU IN THE TITS. This is non-negotiable. It's not like allowing me to just titfuck you in the ear will make you any less of a whore. You are responding to an ad on Craigslist about being titfucked in the tits. There's really no reason not to go all out. So if you are interested in being titfucked (in the tits), respond to this message. If you are not interested in being titfucked in the tits, then something is wrong with you, and I hope for your sake that it isn't HIV.

We can do this in just about any way that involves me titfucking you in the tits. Would you like to do it while dressed up like Robocop? Fine. On horseback? Whatever. I'm down. We can talk about whatever you want to talk about while I'm titfucking you in the tits. Do you have any children? Any dreams or goals? Would you like to talk about your cats? I don't care. Honestly, if Wayne Huizenga came up to me and offered me $2 million and a yacht if I could manage to care any less, I wouldn't be able to do it. And then I'd titfuck you on his yacht while he sat there and watched. And then I'd jizz all over his helicopter. And you know what? He'd like it. And so would you. Because I'd make you like it at bow-and-arrow point. And I'm as good with bows and arrows as the Seminoles used to be before they just decided to build the Hard Rock. But don't worry about the bows and the arrows, just concentrate on being titfucked. In the tits.

So, if you've got the tits and the willingness, I've got the time. And plenty of it. So don't be a prude. This isn't 1890. Pull your tits out and let me titfuck them. It's the American way.

I have included a representation of my penis as an electron cloud diagram below, while wearing my favorite shirt. Tell me that doesn't turn you on.


-------------------------------

My hopes are high.

ENERGY

Energy has come on to the scene with a vengeance, as I'm sure you've all noticed assuming you've been out in public in the past year or two. Red Bull started this whole craze, mainly I guess because it mixes well with liquor, but now we appear to be past the point of no return. You've got hundreds of energy drinks, and on top of that I've seen energy shots and energy gum and energy mints and energy beer and today even saw energy spray. Energy spray? Double-you Tee Eff? I just spray this stuff on and I'll feel alive? I sure hope so, since apparently no one sleeps anymore these days.

Regardless, as an innovator and a guy who knows opportunity when I see it, I feel the need to get into the energy business. I figure it to be largely recession-proof, as people are always going to need to feel awake. At least those people that have homes. So let's whip up some sweet new energy products.

SOAP


*singing*FUUUUCKKKK YEAHHHH, WASHHHH YO'SELF WITH ENERGYYYY SOOOOAAAOAOOAAOOAAAAAAPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!*end singing*

Player, I already gots the jingle.

What better way to start your day then to wash yourself clean with ENERGY SOAP...conveniently putting lighting into bar form. Also, energy soap will fight herpes. But no matter what you are washing off with this soap, just know that it will kickstart your day into high motherfucking gear. And leave you fresh and clean and smelling like a fresh lighting strike! If you can't fuck any fat chicks while using Energy Soap you are either gay or walking around with a shirt that says "I have herpes and I'll win $100 if I give it to you". And as we all know, women hate novelty shirts with exceedingly long messages on them.

Point is, you'd add energy soap to your shower and you fucking KNOW IT. It would be like rubbing an electrical storm all over your body, but without the bad side effects of singed pubes. Also, showering with energy soap will turn the shower water into ENERGY WATER.


CONTRACEPTIVES


Feel safe and AMPED UP while putting this energy condom on your energy dick and energyfucking the hell out of some broad!

However, you won't be the only one energyfucking safely if she's been taking energy birth control pills! Imagine that, destroying the fuck out of your eggs while getting jacked up in the process! It's like SCRAMBLING YOUR EGGS IN A FUCKING FRYING PAN! The official punctuation of these products is the exclamation point, and that's not just a marketing ploy. The energy condom will electrify your sperm so much that it's going to turn dark blue and will attain the ability to actually conduct electricity. Seriously, if you wear the energy condom and then pull out and shoot it on some batteries, your sperm will actually recharge those batteries. Those batteries are going to be a little tricky to handle afterwards, but hey, free power! Tell your power company to suck it. Literally.

So charge your sperm or make your eggs run for their lives with these latest innovations from our energy line. These products are brought to you by two words, FUCK and YEAH.

MAPS


Wooooooo! You fucking lost, bitch? Pick up an energy map!

Don't pull into some gas station late at night looking dreary as hell and decrepit. You could just look at your energy road map, which will wake you the fuck up and get you on track to reach your final destination with a backpack FULL OF WILLPOWER. This map is freaking soaked in energy fluids, which will leak into your body the same way the energy spray does. The only difference is that you will learn something with this map. And I'd think knowing where the fuck you are going is pretty important, almost as important as consuming four fetuses worth of pure energy at a time. And I'm not making that up, either. These maps are scientifically proven to contain the raw energy of four fetuses, harnessed into a complex road network.

So don't stumble around like a broad. GET AN ENERGY MAP TODAY!!!!!

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go and sniff up some energy coke.

Sheriff Goodell

I better call Vince up and straighten this out.


Man, what's Sheriff Goodell want this time?


Hey, Vince. This is Sheriff Goodell. You still feeling down?


Fuck yeah dude...what do you want this time?


Vince...I feel bad for you, but...last week you insinuated that the National Football League was essentially the cause of your sadness.


Well, yeah. I go out there and all of these fans yell things at me like "boooooooo!" and stuff like that, but back in Texas they used to yell things like "yaaayyyyyyyy!" and "Viiiinnnnncccceeee!" and...I mean, it makes me sad.


I see. Well, I'm going to have to fine you $20,000.


What?


Yeah, Vince. Sorry. But you can't say the NFL is anything less than the most important and most beneficial facet of your life. We can't have people out there thinking that the NFL makes you sad.


That's fucking ridiculous, Sheriff. I mean, it's not my fault that I'm sad. $20,000?!?! That's just ridiculous. I mean...oh, fuck it. Whatever. I don't even care. Fine. I'll send you a check.


Thanks, Vince. Cheer up. Or at least cheer up publicly.

*hangs up*

Actually, I had better call him back.


What now, man?


Vince, I was thinking...you know, you are sad and all, and I mean...ahhh, fuck it. The fine's rescinded.


The what?


Yeah, I thought about it, and...fuck it, you know. Fuck it. No fine.


Now you're speaking my language!


Hold on, I've got a call on the other line.

Hello, Troy.


Hey, Commissioner Goodell. I have some issues that I have gone over and I feel the need to voice my opinions to you personally.


Go ahead, Troy. I'm listening.


Commissioner, pardon my language, but I believe that some of these fines and penalties are kind of bullpoop and that they are turning football into an honest-to-goodness pantywaist sport. Football is meant to be a violent game and these questionable calls, which are bullpoop in my humble opinion, are taking away from the once glorious nature of our game. You know, I like to go out there and make hard hits and help the guy up but in my head think "holy gosh darn did I just hit you really hard right there" and that's been the nature of this game as long as I've played it. So, yes, I think these fines are bullpoop.


Troy, I know you feel that way but these fines are meant to protect the safety of you and the rest of your fellow players.


Commissioner Goodell, we are all big boys and I think we can take care of ourselves without all of these gosh darn pansy calls which we I personally feel are taking away from the game. These monkeyfetching calls are going to destroy the game, Mr. Goodell, and if that happens I for one would be so dang perturbed that I could scream a mild obscenity. That might cause me to spit milk and cookies all over the place, and that is no example for me to set for my children.


Troy, I'm sorry you feel that way but we are going to put the health of our players first and foremost.


This is utter bullpoop, Commissioner, and you know it. TROY POLAMALU IS NOT GOING TO LET THIS BULLPOOP STAND!


That's great, Troy.


BULLPOOP!

*hangs up*


*sighs*

That little tirade's gonna cost him 10 grand. I AM THE LAW!

*Puts on badge, pulls plastic guns out of sheriff costume holster and pretends to shoot in the air*

POW POW! POW POW! Roger, you are the best sheriff in town. Everybody respects you. Everybody respects your authority. Roger, *sniffs, fights back tears* you don't need to pull this macho routine to *sniff* prove your worth to *sniff* the NFL and the fans and players and *starts to cry*...


Dude, WTF? Are you sad, too? Is there anything you want to talk about?


*snaps out of it* Oh, I didn't know you were still on the line! What are you talking about? Nothing's wrong over here.


Roger, I know how you feel...*starts to cry*


*resumes crying*

Vince, I should have never fined you or said those mean things to you about the NFL *cries harder*...


*crying*

It's ok, Roger, I didn't take it personally, even though I take just about everything else personally. I mean...fuck it, Roger, you know? I don't care. Fuck it.


*openly sobbing*

Yeah, Vince, fuck it. Fuck it! I don't need to prove myself to these people. I'll fine whomever I want, insecurities be damned. FUCK IT!


Yeah Commish, fuck it!


*sniffs, attempts to stop crying*

Vince, let's not tell anybody about this, ok?


Maybe if you give me 10 grand.


Well, it's coming from Polamalu anyway.

Aha! Hahaha! LOL! There's a new sheriff in town, baby!

POW POW! POW POW POW!


POW POW POW! TEXAS STYLE!!!! Alright Rog, I gotta go update my Myspace status to "disconsolate".

*hangs up*


See ya.

POW POW!! Sheriff Goodell rides again! POW POW POW!!!