Brett Favre is CHILDLIKE out there

And welcome back to NFL Sunday Night Football on ESPN. Before we get into tonight's game in Minnesota, let's discuss some earlier games, specifically the Jets losing at home to Denver, seriously handicapping their chances at a first round playoff bye. Coach?


I know they lost the game Boom but jeez, did you see Brett Favre out there? He was still flingin' and wingin' it all game. He kept them in a game that they wouldn't have otherwise been in. And the thing that impresses me most is his demeanor...no matter what the score is out there, he's still running around on that field like a damn lost child. He's childlike. He's a kid out there, you know, a kid that makes $12 million to throw the ball wherever the hell he pleases.


But Coach, they lost 38-17! Does it really matter how much of a kid Brett Favre is when he's forcing throws into quintuple coverage? I hadn't even seen quintuple coverage before until Brett Favre managed to find it.


(mimicking Keyshawn Johnson)

*But coach, they lost 38-17 mee mee mee mee mee*

Doesn't matter! That's the problem with the players nowadays, they aren't players like we used to be back in the old days. Watch Brett Favre out on the field! I don't care about stats, stats be damned! The fact is that he was so childlike it was like he was sucking on his mom's tits out there!


Coach, don't you think that's taking it too far?


Not at all! Brett Favre plays football like he's got tits in his mouth, pure and simple. We all used to play like we had tits in our mouths back in my day. What this league needs is more players like Favre playing like they have tits in their mouths!


I'm with Coach Ditka here, Favre is running around on that football field like he's in 2nd grade. Seriously, it's like watching a 6'2" second grader playing football, you know, the way he just slings the ball, runs around with a smile on his face, and barely has any grasp at all on what the team is trying to do offensively. And look at what it's gotten them...the Jets are 8-4 even with this loss and primed to win the AFC East division, an outcome that we thought rather unlikely at the beginning when we first started blowing Favre on this show.


I'd blow him right now! It's like they took a premature birth infant and put a Jets uniform on him! He's just happy to be on the field, guys. He's like a damn fetus out there!


Well, as you guys know, I played against Brett Favre for about 35 years....

*rest of studio laughs at stupid jokes*

...ha, so I know a bit about him, and I gotta go with Coach Ditka on this one.


You gotta be kidding me, Cris!


Key, I don't know if you played against Favre, but you gotta trust me on this one. The tits in the mouth stuff is dead accurate. Yeah, he's a fetus out there on that field. He's not even playing for the money, just for the love of the game. He's like a partial birth abortion on that football field.


I'd suck his dick right now if he were in the studio. And not even just figuratively!

*studio laughs at stupid joke*


Heh heh, yeah we'd all probably suck his dick.

Let's go to Mort, live from a midget league football game. Mort?


Thanks, Chris.

I'm here in Athens, GA watching the Athens Tigerfalcons take on the Arnoldsville Lioncats. It's a bit of a barnburner right now with Arnoldsville taking a surprising 12-6 lead, as neither team has been able to kick an extra point. I see a lot of Favre in Lioncats 8-year old QB Tommy Hanson, who is currently 1-8 passing for 3 yards and 2 picks.


More like a lot of Tommy Hanson in Brett Favre, eh Mort?

*studio laughs at stupid joke*


Ha, I'd say, Boomer. As you just saw, Hanson just ran right on a play that was supposed to go left and got sacked for a 6 yard loss by about 4 Tigerfalcon defenders, but he hopped right back up and he's ready to go call another play. It's so fucking cute. That was a Brett Favre type play that we all just saw.


Vintage Brett Favre, Mort. Or is it vintage Tommy Hanson?

*studio laughs at stupid joke*


Tommy Hanson probably had tits in his mouth right before the game!


I just got word that Mort went over to the maternity ward at the local hospital. Mort?



Thanks, Chris. I'm here at the Athens Women's Hospital maternity ward, right down the street from the game. You can see this room full of children behind me, all sleeping in there like a bunch of kids.


That's just so Brett Favre.


Sure is. Imagine how many tits were just in those kids' mouths! Probably at least 20 sets of tits just in the past hour alone!


I'm being told by the nurse that the official count in the past hour is actually 23 pairs of tits.


Holy smokes, 23 pairs of tits! That's old school right there. That's Brett Favre. He's just a damn kid out there, guys!



Such a kid out there, Coach.



Most childlike player in the game today.


Let's go back to Mort. Mort?


Thanks, guys. I'm currently in the home locker room at the Meadowlands. After the game, I managed to catch up with Brett Favre and actually physically blow him in the shower.


What did his dick taste like?


You've got to be kidding me.



Kind of like dreams, coach. I think I tasted some pine in there as well. Very manly.


Wow, Mort, great job. I think we can all say we are jealous of you right now.


Oh, don't worry Boom, you'll get your chance if you want it. Brett seemed to have no problem being blown by a member of the media, and I passed on you guys' regards. And I'll tell you what, he was like a kid when I was blowing him. Like a child, the way he just stood there in the locker room blushing while I was blowing him and complimenting his penis. A lot of "oh shucks" and "gee whiz" and "thanks, Mort". The guy is childlike, plain and simple. Back to you guys.


Thanks and once again, great work Mort.



I told you guys!


I believed you, Coach!



I think we all did, Cris.

Alright, we're gonna go to commercial break and hope Mort gets back to us with the sperm analysis results from the lab when we come back. I'm sure they are going to be impressive. Stay tuned.

It's like these guys just want to taste my dick

Oh, hey media cameras. Surprised to see you here. I guess while I have a platform, I'd like to make some statements regarding the other players in this league that seem compelled to find out exactly what my jizz tastes like.

I'm a bit surprised by the repressed desires around the league to vicariously touch my dick through the various places that it's been. It's like the guys just want to rub their balls where my balls have been, presumably to live out a fantasy of actually rubbing their balls against mine. Just swimming in a sea of balls, these players...and this is certainly not a fresh water sea. A little salty. What I'm saying is they'd float. Actually, I'm getting carried away with that analogy. What I'm really saying is that the other players in the NHL want to taste my dick.

I mean, why else would they go around scooping up every scandalous little tramp that I've tossed by the wayside? These guys just want to fuck my sloppy seconds to live out a fantasy of fucking me. These guys just want to nuzzle up against my balls in the corner of my Vogue office, gently caressing them with their tongues like fresh popsicles. These guys want to then place my balls in their mouth and start stroking me softly, hoping that we eventually engage in full-fledged frotting. At the end of these fantasies that they obviously play out in their minds on a daily basis, we'll end the frot by mutually ejaculating upon each other, finally giving them their chance to taste my sperms at the thrilling climax to their wildest of wild dreams. I mean, I can't think of any other reason for the actions of these guys who snatch up every chick I drop like they were Christmas hams in Ethiopia. These guys just want to touch my cock.

I guess that's all I've got for now, but let me end by inviting Dion Phaneuf to just come out and suck me off if that's what he really wants to do. I mean, I'm a fucking fashion intern, for Christ's sake. I'd probably at least consider it.

Fewer dropped calls!

Cingular has fewer dropped calls than all of the other phone networks! We're fucking serious about that! To prove it to you people, we've enlisted the help of Braylon Edwards!

Hey Braylon!


Yes?


Catch!

*Throws football at Braylon Edwards*


*Drops ball*

FUCK! What the hell was that spinny motion you put on the ball?


You mean a spiral?


I guess. I haven't seen that in awhile.


Whatever. We have Braylon here to show you that we have the fewest dropped calls of any network. Hey Braylon, check out this 8125 Pocket PC phone, one of Cingular's many new phones free with a 2-year calling plan!


*Lobs 8125 Pocket PC phone to Braylon Edwards*


*Fumbles 8125 Pocket PC phone before dropping it to the ground, cracking the screen*

I think I broke it.



Forget about that. I'm going to call you now.


(singing)

She said Young, why your voice so hoarse...I just sound like money baby I should'a been a Porsche (vroooom)....paint lookin' like a.....

(singing cuts off)


Cool ringtone. Hello?


Braylon, can you hear me?


Yes.


Can you drop this call?


No. Why am I being driven through a random tunnel?


Braylon, you are in the tunnel and you still can't drop this call?


I cannot drop this call. I'm trying!


There you have it! Even Braylon Edwards cannot drop a call on the Cingular network!

Cingular, fewer dropped calls than any other cellular provider!


Braylon....Braylon? You there?......Braylon?

Some people do not have a clue

In my spare time, you know, when I'm not busy actually working or writing words, I read words that were written by other people. Because I'm fucking cultured. One of these places is that listed about, "Wrap Around Curl", written by a young (presumably, I mean it is the internet, am I right? Am I right, Mayor Bloomberg?) woman who goes by the pseudonym of...well, Wrap Around Curl. Her blog covers a lot of hockey and random stuff, but the main point of emphasis there is on her following of a minor league hockey team in Spokane, WA. The Spokane Chiefs.

Now, you may be thinking, the Spokane Chiefs? Who the fuck are the Spokane Chiefs??? And when you say that, you will have made my point for me. Chances are, unless you are sweet at geography like I am, you will go to Google Maps and look up exactly where the hell this place is. Whatever, that's not important. Recently, a PR member from the Chiefs saw this free publicity and decided that the team would have none of it. They threw every made up rule in their made up book at her. Amongst their rules:

- You are not allowed to use the last name of the players on a shirt. They claim to own the names of the players.

- You cannot post your personal pictures from the games on the internet without a press pass.

- You will not be given a press pass if your website has bad words on it.

This is the public relations guy. Public relations. This is how this random minor league hockey team responds to the fact that someone has started a relatively popular (especially as far as blogs about minor league hockey teams go) blog dedicated to your team. They took the free publicity and pissed all over it like it was one of R. Kelly's 14 year old girlfriends.

They may have a few points, legally. Although copyright law was not written to cover the internet and there is a whole lot of grey area just waiting for a significant precedent to finally be set, they may still have some valid points. But...that's just a terrible public relations decision to go ahead and do that to someone who writes about your team in an overall favorable light. People that would have never heard about the Spokane Chiefs...well, now they had. And now, these same people probably think that the Chiefs are a bunch of douchebags. That's what this move has given them. They have become douchebags. That is the opposite of the intention of public relations. Especially as far as they took it, claiming to own the last name of the players.

I'm pretty sure they don't. Just the hockey likeness.

For example, I could not make a custom Cleveland Browns jersey and write Braylon Edwards on the back of it. However, if I wanted to make a jersey for the Dicksucking Albatrosses, and write "Edwards" on the back, I'm pretty sure the team cannot stop me. They can try, but it's probably not worth it for them to associate themselves in a situation they are unlikely to win and in which the phrase "Dicksucking Albatrosses" will become associated with the team. Braylon Edwards may have a claim against me, but the team does not, as far as I can tell. So if Tokarski has a problem with his name being used on a shirt, he can send her an email, and I'm sure she'd oblige. But when the PR member for the team does and claims to pretty much own the player's name? That's dickmove right there, Spokane Chiefs.

I'm guessing the only reason the team didn't have a lawyer send the email is the fact that they probably don't have one.

I bet the Penguins are glad the Pensblog has a huge following. It's good for the team, even if it does associate Charlie's gayness with them. People pay more attention. In fact, I bet their following amongst the gay crowd has gone way up since Charlie was introduced. I'll ask Mayor Bloomberg and Governor Crist the next time I see them. Apparently, however, the Spokane Chiefs do not feel the same way about blogs dedicated to their team. People clinging to this anti-blog old school mentality are gonna get left behind, just like Buzz Bissinger, whom everybody under the age of 30 now thinks is a douchebag. Maybe the Chiefs will give him an honorary press pass.

EDIT: Here's another fun example of a hockey team behaving in a Gestapo fashion. An NHL team! This is the kind of stuff that is exacerbating the collapse of newspapers and the old media.

Omigod, Plaxico should totally go to jail with the bad men

Oh hiiiiiiiiiiiiiii it's Mayor Bloomberg and I've got a message for y'all to listen up to if yadontmind hearing me ouuuuuuuut. If you guyssss haven't heard about Plaxico Burress's esssscapades at a popular club this past weekend then omigoddddd you totally need to check the news and get abreast of this delevoping sitch, okaaayyyy?

Plaxico is a superfootballstar for the Giants and he's recently become embroiled in a fiasssssco in which he shot hissself in the leg with his own unregistered gun while clubbin latenight, okaaay? Well, we need to pressure our courts here to prossssecute him to the fullest extent of the law. He's a big strong man and he can take it, amiright? Amiright? I mean, this should be an open and shut case. You've got bulletholes and guns and hospitals and that's really all the evidence you need, okay? We need to come together as a city and say oh heyyyy Plaxico, nuh uh! You aren't going to get away with this just because you are a big strong football player man, alright! We are gonna throw the book at you as hard as we can limpwristedly throw it! We will not tolerate big strong men wandering our streets with illegal guns, okaaaay? Just because you are a footballplayerman and not an icky drug dealer doesn't mean that you can get away with this nonsense!

We need to put bad men like Plaxico away in the slammer! Let's face it, his actions were those of a bad man! And we need to get that filth off of our streets, New York City, okaaay? Let's start by making an example out of Misssterrr Burress, and put him away for the whole 3 and a half yearsss! Amiright?

Why does USC get props in the polls?

Now, let's make it known upfront that I am a Penn State fan. So I may be biased.

However, I must also note that it doesn't matter that USC is ahead of Penn State since I couldn't care less about the polls outside of the top 2 teams and PSU and USC will play in the Rose Bowl on a neutral si...haha....on a neutral...man, I can't even type that without laughing. They'll play in USC's backyard. But whatevs.

It's like ever since USC got the screw job in the USC-Oklahoma-LSU situation a couple years back, people have been all about USC regardless of the situation. Last year, they were in line for the title game until they lost to UCLA just because they were USC, in my opinion. And now they are ahead of Utah and PSU at number 5, even though they really haven't beaten anybody this year in a weak PAC-10. They may have pasted Ohio State while PSU struggled in Columbus; however, PSU destroyed the team that hung USC's sole loss on them. Sure, that loss to Iowa looks bad, but it just looks like USC is being handed this spot based on being, well, USC. And it's not the first time I've thought that this was the case.

I love the poll system! Just another reason I'm 5x more interested in the NFL than I am in the NCAA.