Communication Breakdown

Great idea to have us all over to cook as a bonding experience, Coach Z!




No problem, Max. I think this is really going to help you guys communicate out there on the field. If you can communicate in the kitchen, you can communicate on the football field. Wade Phillips told me that once.





I hope you're right, coach...hey, can someone help me with my helmet?






Chris, you don't need the helmet. We're going to be making Caesar salads.

Alright, guys. I'll be in my office if anyone needs me. Let's see what you guys can come up with in an hour. Remember, communicate!







Alright guys, let's get this started. We'll go with a zone scheme here. Justin, you got the chicken. If there is too much chicken for you to hold, I'll slide over and help you pick up the rest of it. Kemo, make sure you prepare the lettuce. Again, if it gets to be too much, I'll slide over and help you with that. The whole time, Max, you are going to be dicing, ok? That's the most important job, because, like, that's what makes the salad, you know? You have the toughest job here. That's why you are making the big bucks. Trai, you'll be washing the food before we come into contact with it, alright? You should be able to handle that job by yourself, and if you get ahead you can help Justin or Kemo if I'm unavailable. Ok? We have to read the vegetables here.






Got it, Willie.

*begins to prepare chicken*






Let's do this, guys!

*Starts washing lettuce, hands lettuce to Kemo*





*fumbles lettuce*

DAMN IT!





Don't worry, Kemo, I'll wash it again.

*rewashes lettuce, hands it back to Kemo*





Let me help you with that, Kemo.

*Takes lettuce to Kemo*

Alright, we gotta pick it up, guys.





I've got nothing to dice!

And we don't have crutons or Caesar dressing!







Don't worry about the dressing and crutons, the back will pick that up.






Hey guys, I picked up the things you asked for!





Thanks, Fast Willie!





Willie, that's Ranch dressing! We need Caesar dressing!





Awww, my bad dog.

*trips over self*





Whatever, we don't have time. I still have nothing to dice.






I can't handle all of this chicken!

*chicken slips out of Hartwig's grasp*





I'll help you with that.





No, Max, you gotta dice! I'll help with the chicken!

No one's dicing!

*trips over Max while trying to help Hartwig, falls back into dicing area*





What's all the ruckus?

*accidentally stabbed by knife when Colon falls into it*

HOLYFUCKYOUJUSTSTABBEDME!!!!!!!!!







Willie, did you just stab Trai?!?!?!??!





It was an accident!





AHHHHHHHHHHHH!





We gotta tell Coach Z!





*Covered in sweat*

Ohhhhh yeahh....oh man this is the good stuff give it to me baby...you go get em Larry....ohhhh God....wait..what the fuck is that noise?





Coach, Trai just got stabbed...what are you doing? Are you jacking it to anime porn?





Uhhhh....no!





Then why is your dick out?





Huh? Oh, that, uhhh...my bad! It just slipped out.

It looks like you guys are going to continue to have communication problems, but I've got just the thing for you.





That's right, Coach. With the Verizon family plan, even you oafs can communicate with each other, absolutely free as long as you want on the Verizon network. You know, the one with the best coverage and fewest dropped calls. And all of these people behind me? That's your Verizon network. They can also confirm that your coach was indeed jacking it to anime porn.





Seriously, Coach Z? Anime?





*face gets red*

That's not important. The important thing is that you guys can communicate now. I'd suggest you call a hospital for Trai first.





Good idea.

*dials number on phone*

Justin, you there?





Uhhh, this is Kemo.





Oh. Do you know the number for the hospital?






Nah, man. Try asking Willie.





Ok.

*Dials again*

Willie?





This isn't Wille....HURRY UP AND GET ME TO A HOSPITAL!!!!!






God, this is gonna be a long year.

Urban Dictionary

I'm sure that most of you are familiar with Urbandictionary.com, a site which tells you exactly what those crazy phrases the kids are using mean. Which is all well and good, or at least was, until the site became a haven for people to just put anything on there. A friend of mine mentions that she was about to name something a "singapore sling" (she names these things for work), but upon looking it up on Googs to see if anybody had ever used the name, saw that it was on Urban Dictionary and meant banging a Thai hooker and finding out that it's a dude.

Comethefuckon, man.

So, whatever, Urban Dictionary. If you want to do stuff like that, I'm going to come up with my own things to add.


THE HUCKLEBERRY FINN - When you jizz into your own mouth and wash it down with grape Fanta.

THE CHROME DRAGON - Urinating all over your mousepad while purchasing wheel-cleaner online at Target.com.

THE SUEZ CANAL - Performed by inserting a classical violin into an Egyptian chick's vagina. In D major.

THE PORKCHOP DINNER - Shave all of your pubes with a Gillette razor and empty them into a used Altoids tin. Then use one of those little car fans to blow them all over some fat chick's face while she covers a U2 song on Guitar Hero.

THE WESTERN UNION - Mail yourself a model train set from a mailbox close to your house. Then stick a miniature Eiffel Tower replica up your ass until it bleeds. Allow the blood to fall into a graduated cylinder from the local high school science lab. If you can fill it up past 50 milliliters, you win. If not, set up the model train and tape your penis to the tracks (females can just sit on the tracks). Run the train on the highest available speed setting. Do this while wearing a Willis McGahee Buffalo Bills jersey.

THE MALAYSIAN FALCON - Put some Lupe Fiasco into your MP3 and wear some Koss-brand head phones. Proceed to circumcise yourself with opposite-handed scissors and see how many maple leaves you can collect and carry with the foreskin. The record in Saskatchewan is 3.6 ounces.

THE ICELAND LITERACY TEST - Park your late model Ford Taurus behind the neighborhood Barnes and Noble. Purchase a book from the Goosebumps series. Return to your car. Read the first couple of pages aloud while a hooker you picked up off of Craigslist flosses with your chest hair. Then pull her tampon out and use it as a bookmark.




So, there you go Urban Dictionary. Better add those to the list.

Disrespecting the Titans

Ohhh, look at you Keith Bulluck, stomping on that $3 towel. Crushing an entire fanbase's dreams below your feet. Whatever. Am I supposed to care? The Towel is cool and all but I don't view it with the same reverence as many, I guess. Hey Lendale, that's great that you are going to stomp on the Terrible Towel again if you win, because after you lose, James Harrison is going to choke the fuck out of Jeff Fisher's wife.

Get fired up, people. It's that time of year again. Time to derail the disrespect train off of the motivation tracks on its way to Nobody-Believed-In-Us-Ville. This should surely spur the Titans to victory, unlike the shocking Steeler victories in the face of grave disrespect last season against the likes of San Diego, Baltimore and Arizona, no? We'll see. In the meantime, it's time to tell Justin Gage just how obvious it is that he flosses his teeth with Kyle Vanden Bosch's pubes while the ghost of Steve McNair jacks off in the background.





Lendale, LenFail, LenWhale, LenStale, TouchMales, whatever. A name conducive to nicknames that people think are funny but when you look at them, they really aren't. But that's not important. Whale, the reason nobody cares about you stomping on the towel is not because you gave up Patron and dick to lose 30 lbs and aren't going to do irreparable damage to its structural integrity...no, it's because you are the backup running back and nobody cares what you say. You can counter that you scored 15 TDs last year, but that's really only going to offend Chris Johnson. Regardless, I don't James Harrison is going to care either way what you guys want to name yourselves. Smash and Dash, Pound and Ground, Fuck and Suck, whatever. You might end up with 15 TDs this year as well. One in each game. Starting next week.





Hey, Kerry Collins. Nice to see you are still around. Huge 12 TDs last year, man. Really earned that contract. Beat out Vince Young! The future! Now you are "The Present". Or more likely, "The Stopgap". That's great that you aren't an alcoholic anymore, and I guess you've helped LenBraille out in that regard as well. Now maybe you can turn your attention towards Young and actually accomplish something this year, because you sure as hell aren't going to do anything meaningful in the games except maybe not completely fuck up, you pale grey motherfucker. You look like a Republican version of Kordell Stewart.






:(

Damn it, is it football season again? I have to change my Myspace mood status to "disconsolate". Maybe throw a tear in there as well.

"Vince is ;("


PERFECT! *submit*






Don't think I forgot about you, Mr. Bulluck. The heart and soul of this defense, which would be great if you were writing songs or screenplays or something. But no matter how much of your soul you pour into your play and no matter how much of your heart you leave out there on the field, it's not going to help you tackle Mendenhall. That is, if you don't get blocked now that Haynesworth is paralyzing people with his Ferrari up in Washington now. But keep stomping on towels. That will help you cover Heath Miller, if Heath Miller were a towel.






Jeez, Titans, you guys are really getting up there in age. Kevin Mawae is still alive? I would have figured he'd be fucking Esera Tuaolo by now. The stalwart of the Titans O-Line, Kevin Mawae looks to snap some serious balls this year. To Kerry Collins. Really exciting offense this year in Tennessee. If it weren't for Chris Johnson, their games would probably be on CSPAN this year. Is Jim Inhofe going to be the offensive coordinator this year? He'll probably be appalled by the gayness of Nate Washington's mohawk.






And finally, coach Jeff Fisher. Looking more homeless than Kerry Collins on his worst day. Loving the leather jacket. You know what, this isn't funny, Google Image Search. Not funny at all. I ask you for Jeff Fisher, and you come back to me with a guy who obviously sells control valves. Yeah, the jokes on me, huh? Didn't think I'd realize it, did you? So fuck you, Google. Fuck you and fuck Sergey Brin. And Jeff Fisher. And Michael Roos. And Bud Adams. And every single member of the Tennessee Titans. Put it on your bulletin boards, bitches.

It's Tricky: Lil' Scrappy

It's Tricky is a segment that will cover just how tricky it is to not only rock a rhyme, but to also rock that rhyme right on time. First up is Lil' Scrappy. Of course he has Lil' in his name. He also seems to like gold a lot. I guess that's standard for rappers.

Anyway, in the old (2005 I believe) Young Jeezy song "Bang Bang", Mr. Scrappy comes strong with the following line:


Gotta lifetime of trouble and my brain still nervous
I don't rep the A by mistake I do the shit on purpose


Uhhh...who reps a city on accident? I can imagine rappers actually repping the wrong place and being told about it to shocked dismay.


"Oh shit dog, fuck, I totally thought I was repping Baltimore and I ended up repping Des Moines!"

"WHAT! You mean I was born in Pittsburgh and not Houston? FUCK! I'm totally repping the wrong place!"

"I can't believe I was repping Vancouver the entire time! ATLANTA IS GONNA BE SO PISSED!"

"Why didn't you guys tell me that I was accidentally repping Key West instead of Buffalo? I hate you guys!"


Gunpowder Jones knows EXACTLY where he is repping at all times. You can take that to the bank.

Hoes in Different Area Codes

LUDA! I love how the sideburns look like dripping skeetshots. Well-played. I'm guessing he got it done at a salon called "Nappy Hour".

Anyways, this isn't a hair-critique blog. It's a blog about hoes and hymens and raping waitresses and getting cockwhipped and Pierre McGuire and rap lyrics and sporting satire and anything but hair. And this entry will focus on the hoes. Specifically, how Ludacris has them in different area codes.

Well, I travel a lot for work. Maybe not "a lot", but a good 8 times a year. And I've realized...not only do I have hoes in different area codes, it's actually easier to have hoes in different area codes. It's so much more difficult to maintain hoes in your own current area code than it is to have them in other ones. Hear a player out. A ho in your area code is going to eventually want more from you and your cock or decide she wants nothing to do with you. And your cock. Yeah. But a ho in another area code knows for a fact that you and your penis are just flying in and leaving. She doesn't take it as a slight when your cock leaves. I mean, you live far away. You were just in for a few days. Doesn't speak to her at all about her worthiness as a wife or whatever you wenches think about. But local hoes...they want to be loved. They don't want to be used and left. Every single local girl I have inevitably gets fed up with just being the target of my jizzshots without fail. But the girls in different area codes? They just want to use my wang as much as I just want to use it on them. It works perfectly. Seamless. No drama at all.

So you know what, Ludacris? I'm on to you. Having hoes in different area codes doesn't make you a pimp. It just makes you a reasonable person with a penchant for flying. So in the meantime, I'm gonna go fuck some chick in Iowa.

I need some tats

I mean I'm as gangster as most, but come on. I can't compete with that. I need some tats!

What the f was Lil' Wayne thinking? That's just...I have no words for it. Gonna look great when he's 50. And what do the groupies think when he's hitting it? Is it like fucking a Microsoft Word document?

I gotta get some ink. Maybe a horse galloping across my back with a dude carrying a banner with some statement about life, like "IN SOVIET RUSSIA, BOX OF CHOCOLATES IS LIKE LIFE!".

CHEERLEADERS!!!!

Since it's been so hard for me to come up with material of my own recently (although I have some floating around somewhere in my face), I'm going to continue copy and pasting other people's work with comments on it. Because that's easy.

Anyway, through KSK, I came upon the following defense of cheerleaders in the NFL, written by a woman named Sarah Schorno. She also mentions her daughter at the end, which immediately causes me and my penis to lose interest in her. Yes, I know it's "my penis and I". Fuck you and fuck grammar, too. And Will Smith. Fuck him.

Well, you see, I like that the Steelers don't have cheerleaders. I will respond to the "omg you don't like hot women you homo?" argument by mentioning that it's FUCKING 2009. If I want to see some tits, I'll go to Google and type "tits". I'm not going to go to an NFL game. I go to NFL games to watch, well, the NFL. Fucking cheerleaders. My "cheers" usually involve a verb, "a fucking", and a part of the male anatomy. I haven't seen any cheerleaders leading a "Braylon Edwards sucks dicks!" cheer yet. Maybe I haven't been paying attention.

Now, I'm not against cheerleaders. I just don't really care and don't see the point in having them cheer at the NFL level. Or NCAA level. Who cares. They are wearing clothes. They are not blowing me. I prefer my women to be laying on my bed covered in my jizz. But I guess that's just me.

On to the article.



I've never understood the reasons behind teams like the Giants making it clear that cheerleaders are not a part of their football vision. When the game on the field gets ugly, those cheerleaders are sometimes the only vision worth seeing.

Yeah. When the Giants are getting shellacked by the Eagles, the fans will just console themselves by eye-fucking the cheerleaders. It's gonna keep the peace!




I don't think for one second that the absence of cheerleaders detracts from the game experience, but the teams that have them are providing a service for their fans. What's better than being at a football game, beer in hand watching hot women jumping around in little outfits? Cheerleaders have always gone hand in hand with football, from the young pee wee teams on up. Why mess with tradition?

Being at the game, having a beer in hand that didn't cost $7, and getting a BJ from some nasty fat chick you pulled out of the tunnel to the 414 section. Hey, stare at our tits from 300 feet away! It's a service! And she's right, why fuck with tradition? I say that as I have a chick in the kitchen making me sandwiches and lamenting the fact that she is barred from voting.





In addition, from a business standpoint cheerleaders provide many opportunities for profit and community relations. Calendars, photo shoots, and paid appearances all bring in revenue for the team. Having beautiful women to offer for charity events and team promotional campaigns brings a better and more attractive visibility to the brand. Without cheerleaders a team has only their players to offer and let's face it, most of them are not nearly as good-looking.


You can hire any chick off the street to wear your team outfit at a charity event, where they will apparently alleviate poverty with their vaginas. And if cheerleaders are so attractive and attention getting, why is Eli Manning wearing Eco Drive watches instead of a cheerleader? Why is Jay Cutler hawking Tampax instead of the Chicago Bear cheerleading crew? Because they care more about the players than the nameless, faceless, large-titted cheerleaders. They just do.



And you can take the "it's degrading to women" and "it's inappropriate for children" arguments and shove it. Having your beauty admired by thousands can be an empowering experience. If my daughter wants to put on a skirt and cheer for her team one day, I have no problem with that. As long as she's not cheering for the Cowboys.

I will shove it. Right in some chicks ass while 10,000 people watch it for the beauty and empowerment. It's degrading as fuck...but not because people are staring at your tits. Because you have to catfight for it and the job pays you like, $50 a game. A cheerleader can't even live in Haiti without sucking a sizable load of cock on the side.

F-ing cheerleaders. Who cares.

Peter King attempts to analyze

Oh, Peter. Trying to rank the top QBs in the NFL (again...the last time he did this was just as quixotic to follow). By categories, asking the "experts", and then Peter King-ing his own expert opinion after each breakdown. Let's take a look.



America can't get enough of quarterbacks. Highest-profile players in the biggest game in the nation. Coolest guys on the field. So who among them is the best today? Most people would agree it's Tom Brady or Peyton Manning, but I wanted to go deeper into the argument, so I broke down the position into nine categories, added one more to factor in the best quarterback teacher and assembled a panel of five experts to weigh in: former NFL coaches Brian Billick and Mike Shanahan, former MVP quarterback Rich Gannon, longtime scout and former Browns general manager Phil Savage and NFL Network personnel maven Mike Mayock, who might watch more game tape than even Bill Belichick. Each panelist voted for his top five in each category, then points were assigned on a 5-4-3-2-1 basis and tallied. Where there were ties, I broke them.

To rank the best QBs, I decided to rank the best QB coaches. Later, watch as I rank grocery chains by font.



Finally, there was this slap in the face to Eli Manning—or to the Giants' brass, who last month made him the highest-paid quarterback in football: Peyton's brother was not named on any ballot in any category.

That's because he sucks. It's not a "slap in the face". He's just not that good at being a QB.




Best Overall

1 Tom Brady
New England Patriots

2 Peyton Manning
Indianapolis Colts

3 Drew Brees
New Orleans Saints

4 Ben Roethlisberger
Pittsburgh Steelers

5 Philip Rivers
San Diego Chargers

KING SAYS: The surprise is at No. 3, where Brees edged Roethlisberger. I respect the panel's vote because the easy move would be to put last year's Super Bowl hero up with Brady and Peyton Manning. But Brees's last two seasons—averaging 4,746 yards and 66.3% completions—were phenomenal. Big Ben had seven more regular-season wins in that span, but I'd like to see Brees with a Steelers-style defense on his side.

Whatever. Fine with me. Nice attempt to realize that there are 52 other players on an NFL roster, although it could have been better.


Best Deep Arm

1 Jay Cutler
Chicago Bears

2 Carson Palmer
Cincinnati Bengals

3 JaMarcus Russell
Oakland Raiders

4 Tom Brady
New England Patriots

5 Peyton Manning
Indianapolis Colts

KING SAYS: Where's Lions rookie Matthew Stafford? By midseason the voters on my panel will be saying, "Stafford's in the top three." Cutler has a chance this year to be the quarterback who finally cuts through the winds in the Windy City and becomes the Dan Fouts the franchise hasn't had. "His arm hasn't let anyone down," Bears G.M. Jerry Angelo told me in training camp. "It's spectacular."

And it only took this long for him to be Peter King. OMG WHERE'S STAFFORD! Just wait until all of my experts realize what I say they are going to realize by midseason. Don't they listen to me? Who cares if he hasn't taken a snap yet. Don't they realize how much I know about college football?

If only Brian Billick knew what Peter King knows.





Best Game Manager

1 Peyton Manning
Indianapolis Colts

2 Tom Brady
New England Patriots

3 Chad Pennington
Miami Dolphins

4 Drew Brees
New Orleans Saints

5 Kurt Warner
Arizona Cardinals

KING SAYS: Peyton Manning was first on all but one ballot, and you can't argue with his encyclopedic knowledge of the game. (Pennington got the other first-place vote.) I would have ranked Warner higher, but I understand why he wasn't. Though the 12th-year veteran is capable of running the game himself, last year's coordinator in Arizona, Todd Haley, kept a tight hold on the play-calling.


Peyton Manning knows EXACTLY how many downs you get before you have to punt. This category was just retarded.




Toughest

1 Drew Brees
New Orleans Saints

2 Philip Rivers
San Diego Chargers

3 Peyton Manning
Indianapolis Colts

4 Tom Brady
New England Patriots

5 David Garrard
Jacksonville Jaguars

KING SAYS: In the last three years Brees has come back from career-threatening shoulder surgery to lead the Saints to the NFC title game, overcome a dislocated elbow to throw for 4,400 yards and this summer is dealing with the recent death of his mother. "The toughest player, mentally and physically, you could ask for at the most important position in football," says his coach, Sean Payton.


Yeah. We'll see how YOU play when your parents are killed, David Garrard!





Most Athletic

1 Michael Vick
Philadelphia Eagles

2 Pat White
Miami Dolphins

3 Tony Romo
Dallas Cowboys

4 Donovan McNabb
Philadelphia Eagles

5 Vince Young
Tennessee Titans

KING SAYS: White? Ahead of Young? I didn't give the voters instructions on factoring playing time into this process, but they seem to be thinking: Miami's multithreat rookie will get six or eight snaps a game, minimum; we have no idea if Young will play six or eight snaps this year. And rating Vick No. 1 affirms the belief that Andy Reid will use his new weapon early and often.


It doesn't matter how many snaps Young takes. Pat White is still twice the pure athlete that Vince Young is. "Oh my God, I didn't tell the voters that they should vote the way I would! How can I explain their ridiculous behavior?" Stop trying to analyze, Pete.

I'm going to skip a few now.



Best Chance for Breakout Season

1 Matt Schaub
Houston Texans

2 Mark Sanchez
New York Jets

3 Trent Edwards
Buffalo Bills

4 Jason Campbell
Washington Redskins

5 Chad Henne
Miami Dolphins

KING SAYS: I like this pick. Over the last two years Schaub has missed 10 games because of injuries sustained when he was hit illegally or late; in the 22 games in which he has played, he has averaged 7.9 yards per attempt (to Peyton Manning's 7.5 over the last two seasons). Schaub might get hurt again this year, but if he plays a full slate in Gary Kubiak's offense, I see him being a 4,000-yard passer.


Hmmm, where would you guys get this idea? Maybe from the fact that he was 5th in the NFL in passer rating last year, or threw for 3,000 yards in 11 games? Your crystal ball is apparently Google.




Best Quarterback in 2015

1 Matt Ryan
Atlanta Falcons

2 Aaron Rodgers
Green Bay Packers

3 Jay Cutler
Chicago Bears

4 Phillip Rivers
San Diego Chargers

5 Joe Falcco
Baltimore Ravens

KING SAYS: Here's a slam dunk. Ryan was a more precocious rookie than even Peyton Manning was, and he'll be 30 at the start of the 2015 season. You might argue that Cutler (who'll be 32) will be better six years from now. But I'll take the Boston College kid because he has a home field dome (always a plus for a passer), an unflappable nature and the determination to improve his game.


You may argue that Cutler will be better in six years because, well, because he's almost the same age as Ryan and better now. But, I mean, other than that, it's a fucking slam dunk. It's almost like I asked this question Chris Paul, who threw it up to David West, who then took the question and dunked "Matt Ryan" throw the hoop I had affixed to my computer. And he's got a good point about the unflappable Ryan, a man who just CANNOT be flapped. Any bird with Matt Ryan for wings if going to fall right out of the sky, as those wings will just be completely unflappable.

Fucking Peter King. I don't know why I hate his writing so much.