Is Ben raping his way out of the QB elite?

 

So, Ben Roethlisberger loves to rape. We've all gotten this by now, in light of his second raping in as many years. And yes, I know it was sexual assault and not rape, per se. Nor do I care.


While Ben's propensity to rape is getting to be a bit much, at least it gives other people stuff to write about. And that in turn gives me something to write about. I give you "Ben Roethlisberger's stupid behavior justifies NY Giants' choice in 2004 draft", by Gary Myers.



Ben Roethlisberger may lead Eli Manning 2-1 in Super Bowl rings, but the argument is forever closed whether the Giants would have been better off with Big Ben.

That all depends on whether you are building football teams or filming anti-rape PSAs. As I'm assuming you mean football teams, I strongly disagree with you, your story and every move you've made to this point in your life.



At the very least, Roethlisberger is an immature knucklehead who puts himself in bad situations and continually humiliates the Steelers, one of the NFL's cornerstone franchises.

And at the very worst, he's a rapey rape-machine who wakes up in the morning with nothing but rape on his mind. He's also far better than Eli Manning, who wouldn't rape anything, including an opposing secondary.





In the worst-case scenario, and we're not passing judgment on an ongoing investigation, he has a big problem after being accused last week of sexual assault for the second time in less than one year.

Being worse than Eli Manning is not and likely never will be one of his problems, though. If Ben rapes Santonio Holmes tonight, gets a 5-year prison sentence and is banned from the NFL when his rapey-ass gets out at age 33 or whatever, he'll still be a far better draft choice than Eli Manning ever was. Because he's better at football and doesn't have to throw passes at his WRs helmets to prove it.





The Big Ben vs. Eli argument has been going on for six years now, ever since the Giants traded for Manning and passed on Roethlisberger in the 2004 draft. If the Giants were not able to make the trade, they would have drafted Roethlisberger.

Luckily, though, they got the trade and were able to immediately pay big money to a guy who has amassed a 76 or so career QB rating. So far, the only person he's raped has been Asante Samuel's nightmares after Samuel dropped the INT that would have sealed SB XLII.






Who is the better player? Too much time left in their careers to make that call right now. But one thing will forever be in Manning's favor: The Giants never have to worry about phone calls in the middle of the night.

No. There is not too much time left in their careers. Ben Roethlisberger is better by just about every conceivable metric that can be used to compare QBs. Here are their career numbers:

Ben Rapelisraper: 63.3% completion for 19,307 yards, 8.0 yards/att, 127 TDs to 81 INT and a 97.1 rating
Classy Classing:  57% completion for 18,644 yards, 6.7 yards/att, 125 TDs to 88 INTs and a 79.2 rating

Not even taking into account the fact that Ben's O-Lines have been garbage at best and jizz-filled sacks of fuckrape at worst, his output has certainly exceeded that of Manning. But go onnnnnn...







He is stable and grounded, he's married and despite his celebrity status as a Super Bowl champion in New York, he hasn't been involved in one incident since he arrived.

Oh, he's married! I had failed to take that into account, because I was only judging their football playing abilities. Silly me. Ok, Gary...you got me. If I have to pick either Eli Manning or Ben Roethlisraper to babysit my kid (I don't have one yet since I'm not married which may cloud my judgment in your mind but bear with me), I'll take Eli. Hell, I'll take Eli if I'm forming a flag-football team comprised of 7-year old kids that gets one NFL QB to call the signals. However, if I'm forming an NFL team and I need a QB to throw passes to other rapists who aren't married and smoke weed and stick crystal meth in their dicks and all that jazz, I'm taking Ben. I'll obviously be taking a lawyer in round 2.






Roethlisberger, meanwhile, has become a nightmare.

For those that follow the national rape circuit, yes. Yes he has. You know what they say...Super Bowl rings are nice, but you can't put them on your cock while you're raping a chick!




Six months after becoming the youngest quarterback to win a Super Bowl following his second season, Roethlisberger nearly killed himself in a brutal motorcycle wreck in Pittsburgh. He was not wearing a helmet despite warnings from then-Steelers coach Bill Cowher.

Disobeying noted motorcross expert was one of the biggest mistakes of Ben's young life. And Gary Myers would certainly have a point, had Ben died from these injuries. But he didn't. Soooooo I'll try to accept the fact that he rides in the face of Bill Cowher's warnings. Go Eli!




He flew over the handlebars and into the windshield of a car. He broke his nose and jaw and had a nine-inch cut in the back of his head. He later said paramedics told him he was seconds away from dying because of a severed vein or artery that was draining blood into his stomach. Being a daredevil is not the best way to have a long NFL career or even make it to 30 years old.

But here we are, talking about a guy who survived a motorcycle wreck and is still playing NFL football. He must be invincible! At least he didn't rape any of the paramedics.




Last summer, Roethlisberger was sued by a Lake Tahoe hotel worker who claims he raped her in 2008. He denied the claim. The woman never filed a criminal complaint, and the civil case is ongoing.

Then he went out and totally threw for a metric fuckton of yards!







That alleged incident should have been the wakeup call in Roethlisberger's life. Whatever happened in Lake Tahoe should have been the warning that perhaps a quiet dinner or a night at home was a better alternative for one of the NFL's most recognizable players.

GUH. Now you're chapping my balls, Gary. Really chapping my balls. I'll get around to this tomorrow, maybe. If I have the willpower. But for cock's sake, stop with this retarded suggestion, people. "Hey, 27-year old man, what are you doing out at night! Fucking stay home and watch 60 Minutes before some chick accuses you of rape!". No. Fuck. That. Ben either raped this chick or he didn't. Just because chicks want him to rape them doesn't mean he should be barred from going out in public. These women should be jailed. And if they are not lying and he did rape them, then it's not so much that he should stay and home as opposed to the fact that he should STOP RAPING PEOPLE.






Instead, he was hanging out with college girls at a bar in Georgia last week.

Well OM fucking G.







He has a $102 million contract and risking it should be enough motivation to slow down. He has been accused by a 20-year-old college student in Milledgeville, Ga., of sexual assault at a club late Thursday night/early Friday morning. The Steelers have not commented, but you know this conservative organization is incredibly embarrassed as its star quarterback can't stop making headlines for all the wrong reasons.

He risks it by raping, not by being out. See, there are a lot of things that you can do during a day that can risk your health. Like, driving a car. I bet Eli Manning drives a car. What if he drives it to a rape-den? What now?

Also, everybody needs to forget the "Steelers are above this!!!" nonsense. Santonio Holmes beats women. James Harrison beats women. As long as they remain awesome, they will remain gainfully employed by the organization. Because the Steelers are in the business of winning football games, not winning Lady Byng trophies.





Why would Roethlisberger, who turned 28 on March 2, be hanging out at Capital City, a popular spot for students at Georgia College and State University? He has been in the NFL for six years and he's spending his night at a college bar? Milledgeville is 85 miles southeast of Atlanta and about 30 miles from a home Roethlisberger owns on Lake Oconee in Greensboro, Ga.

Irrelevant. It's a place where 18+ year olds, like Ben Roethlisberger, can congregate if they wish. There's no "one rape minimum" or anything like that. Methinks that Gary Myers would be fucking SHOCKED if he knew some of the stuff that athletes do with women many years their juniors. Things that would make his head explode, like jizz waterboarding.







According to details in an Associated Press story, Roethlisberger started out Thursday night at Buffington's bar to watch the Pitt men's basketball game with friends. One of the bar patrons said Roethlisberger bought shots for him and others called "O-Bombs," a mix of an energy drink and rum.

This isn't even relevant to my Generic Energy Drink Corner, let alone a story about rape.





He and his buddies were then spotted at The Brick restaurant from 11:30 p.m.-1:30 a.m, and then they were at Capital City. One 21-year-old woman said she and a few friends were in the VIP area with Roethlisberger and he was disappointed all she wanted was to have her picture taken with him. She claimed Roethlisberger called her an expletive. The woman said he then was aggressively hitting on another girl.

She probably was a fucking expletive! Hey bitch, suck my dick or get that camera out of here! Yes, we get it. Ben Roethlisberger is a douche. A douche that throws much more accurate passes than Eli Manning.







Deputy Police Chief Richard Malone said Roethlisberger's group was mingling with the group that included the woman who claimed he sexually assaulted her. The police were contacted and she and Roethlisberger were interviewed. She was treated and released from the hospital.

Are you still comparing Ben to Eli or are you just play-by-playing the rape now? What the fuck happened, Gary? Get on track. We get it. Ben raped a chick. We want to know why that makes Eli the better draft pick, not which hole Ben put it in.






Not much good happens after midnight, even in small towns. Nobody is saying Roethlisberger should become a recluse, but when you win two Super Bowls, you lose privacy and you certainly are not above the law.

Absolutely. Anyone who has not won two Super Bowls (like Eli), however, should feel free to rape at will.








He threw one of the great passes in Super Bowl history to Santonio Holmes to beat the Cardinals just 13 months ago. He has been beloved in Pittsburgh. Even if gets himself out of this latest mess, the way Roethlisberger is going, the next one may not be far behind.

And until he rapes his way out of the league, I'll take Ben over Eli.

If he rapes his way into the UFL, I'll still take past Ben over past Eli many years down the road. Unless Eli does something crazy, like drastically improve his ability to play American football.

Urban Meyer just wins games!

 

Since I usually spend most of my posting efforts disagreeing with Mike Florio, I may as well mention some of the times where I do actually agree with him.

And the 'mistreatment' of Tim Tebow is one of those occasions. Take it away, Florio:

As Florida coach Urban Meyer takes his much-hyped leave of absence, we hope that Meyer spends some of his down time reflecting on his biggest failure.

Tim Tebow.

After the Gators won two national championships in three seasons with Tebow at quarterback, Meyer owed a huge debt to Tebow.  And Meyer should have spent all of 2009 attempting to repay it.

He didn't.

So Tebow left Gainseville with a release slower than Byron Leftwich in a vat of molasses, and overall football mechanics far uglier than Vince Young's Uncle Rico sidearm release.

It's therefore no surprise that Tebow is in the process of changing his throwing motion, according to Adam Schefter of ESPN.  What's surprising is that few are calling out Meyer for not doing anything and everything he could in 2009 to help make Tebow into a more marketable NFL quarterback.

Since Tebow isn't injured, he's using the belated effort to become a pro-style quarterback as an excuse not to throw at the Scouting Combine.  The obvious goal for Tebow is to avoid doing more damage to his draft stock -- the obvious response in light of his Senior Bowl-week performance is whether it's possible for any further damage to be done.

Though Tebow seems to be trying hard not to point a finger at Meyer for the quarterback's current predicament, this quote tells us everything we need to know:  "I've never been asked to shorten or quicken my release and not have a loop in it."

As the usually-sunny Joe Theismann said three weeks ago, the situation shows that Meyer and his staff have "no clue" as to the process for preparing a quarterback for the NFL.  And while some of the Florida fans in the crowd might respond by saying that Urban Meyer's only duty is to prepare players to play college football, look for Nick Saban and every other coach in the SEC to take a DVD of Tebow's throwing motion into the homes of every high-end quarterback recruit for as long as Meyer remains the Florida coach.  They'll all be making the case to the kid and his family that, if he hopes to play in the NFL, he'd better not go to Gainseville.

If you don't think that'll eventually impact the performance of Meyer's team, then you simply don't understand how college football actually works.

Meanwhile, Tebow will be left to his own devices to get an education into how pro football actually works.  During his four years with Meyer, Tebow apparently learned absolutely nothing.

The bold in the third-to-last paragraph is for emphasis. Urban Meyer could have kept his same system. He could have still taught Tebow how to take a snap and throw like someone who has played football before and all that jazz, but he didn't. He just didn't bother. In fact, I've read that his mechanics actually regressed at Florida (can't seem to find that link at this point). Urban Meyer rode the Tebow horse as far as he could while standing by idly and watching Timmy forget how to actually throw a ball. Tebow's always been scattershot with his passes...but aside from that annihilation of a stout (that's dripping with sarcasm) Cincinnati defense, he's been even more so this season.

As for the dumbass commenters on PFT...they come out of the woodwork to bash everything on that site with their own personal brand of stupid. "Urban Meyer's job is to win games"...yes. It is. And if he scares off future QB recruits, he's going to have a hell of a time doing that in a couple years. Assuming he's still coaching at that point. As to Florio's contentions that Nick Saban and Co. will send DVDs of Tebow's throwing motions to recruits and explain to the families that Gainesville is not the place to send a young QB with NFL aspirations...well, they don't even have to. ESPN has done that for them in bright fucking neon. Even casual fans seem to know at this point that Urban Meyer's system is not the place for a future pro-QB to ply his trade, regardless of how true or untrue that sentiment actually is. Alex Smith can throw, but nobody really knows about him. But they sure know about Tebow.

Meyer did not have to sacrifice much to prepare Tebow for life after college. But he didn't. Sure, he gets on TV and says "Tim is a winner and a great football player and anyone who can't see that is blind" and all of that good stuff, but pro scouts don't give the slightest of damns about what Urban Meyer thinks. They are more concerned about Tebow's quixotic throwing motion than his "intangibles" and "winniness" and "fuckdominance" and everything else that he used to beat the Citadel. And it can be argued that Meyer has contributed more bad than good.

Hey NFL

 

You tell 'em, Lamarr! Those labor practices are so unfair!

So, it really is looking like the NFL will proceed into the 2011 season without a salary cap. And while I'm not going to break down the ramifications (Profootballtalk.com has some good takes on how some of the free agency changes will play out), I do think that the uncapped year would be bad for the NFL. Probably not nearly as bad as it has been for MLB, since the NFL brings in so much more money that you can't even compare the two, but I do think it will be bad. Some teams won't spend anything and will essentially tank for a profit, which I believe will be a much bigger problem than Dan Snyder outspending everybody else on a few free agents. He already does that as-is and gets away with it through cap manipulation techniques that involve healthy signing bonuses. And they still suck. At least Chris Cooley makes good videos. 

Anyway...the deadline is some point in March, and the negotiation necessary for this just isn't going to take place in a month. The players want more money, the owners want to give them less money. And I see both arguments to a point...while the league is player-driven and these guys do risk their health and the owners are making great money and all that, the fact is that they can go and work somewhere else. Supply and demand. Someone will take their place. That's just how businesses work. Although, to be fair, the NFL isn't your normal business. Maybe the owners will remember that the next time they ask taxpayers to build them a new stadium. Yeah, I'm sure they will.

Regardless, this impasse could lead to a lockout. Or maybe a strike. Not sure how it would work. Anyway, it could happen. It's happened in the past. It would be brutal to the owners and probably tragic to the players, who I think would certainly cave first. The NFL would recover, of course, because, well...it's football. But it would not look good. And it can be avoided for now. Why don't yinz just essentially "franchise" each other? Take the current contract and extend it for one year. More time is obviously necessary here. Extend the current deal for one year and continue negotiating for the long term through March 2011. 

Or, hope for the best and wish on falling stars and all of that jazz with your billion dollar industry. Your call!

Same old Bengals!

 

So, the Bengals apparently just will not learn. They refuse to learn. They signed another criminal! Matt Jones! Did some coke! Drank a beer! Same old motherf-ing Bengals, right?

Guhhh. I hate this line of reasoning, as I've expressed previously. I don't really care what these guys do off the field in MOST circumstances. I do understand the fears of a backlash for signing, say, Donte Stallworth. However, the main reason that I would not take this "risk" and sign Stallworth is because he simply isn't that good. He's never been all that great. But Matt Jones? Matt Jones has been pretty good. His last season had very similar stats to that of Santonio Holmes, and they were accumulated over 12 games, as he sat out 4 for a substance abuse suspension. He's pretty good. And he's really tall and fast and wears awesome beaters, as shown above. 

Matt Jones did some coke and he was arrested for it, sure. And it was quite a bit of cocaine. 6 grams to be exact. For reference, an 8-ball of coke consists of an eighth of an ounce, or about 3.5 grams. They cost about $250. I'm going to assume that Jones and his cohorts bought two eight-balls and had used a gram when the law showed up on the scene. He had two guys with him. And I'm pretty confident that three somewhat-experienced users can go through an eight-ball (or more) in a single session. While it's probably not good to have a WR that can be described as an "experienced coke user", that's life in the salary-capped NFL. That's how you win. You take chances and hope that they pan out. Jones is coming in at the vet minimum. And he's not going to harm your team on the field, unless he brings 10 grams into the huddle and shares it with the team. 

Oddly enough, the Jags had no problem with his coke use. They didn't cut him until he violated his probation by drinking a beer on a golf course. That was the final straw. Sure, it was stupid of him to do, but come on. That's where you draw the line? Let's see what Doug Farrar has to say about the Bengals and their character.

If there's one thing the Cincinnati Bengals have led the NFL in over the last decade, it's arrests. (I stopped counting at ten). The 2009 Bengals made the playoffs for the second time in the last 20 years with more character than they'd had in years -- it was how they could overcome the in-season passings of receiver Chris Henry and the wife of defensive coordinator Mike Zimmer.

Oh, last season was their big character year? The year they brought back Chris Henry and drafted Andre Smith? I had thought that 2007 was the first character year, no? What about last year when those Bengals team chemistry-ed their way to a 4-12 season? I'm not buying some newfound chemistry as the reason that this team overcame those tragedies above. Also, they weren't really that great following Henry's death. They couldn't even compete with the Jets. I'm not buying team chemistry as one of the reasons for their resurgence. I think it had to do a lot with some defensive improvements and also due to a good deal of luck following the Denver fluke that beat them in week one. Really, their offense was not that good at any point in the season.

Linebacker Rey Maualuga recently pled guilty to a drunken driving charge, but he responded by arranging to check into the Betty Ford Center, which seems like a standup reaction. 

Oh, that's fun. At least he did the stand-up think and took the route that he was likely advised to take because it would look good in court. I'm not going to jump on a guy for a DUI, but dismissing it because he checked into rehab seems a bit disingenuous. 

However, if recent news is accurate, we could be looking at a couple of new residents in Marvin Lewis' Home for Troubled NFL Youth. MJD detailed the team's dalliances with Pacman Jones, and Cincy's also been talking with former Jacksonville Jaguars receiver Matt Jones, about a contract (Update: According to several reports coming down the pike Friday morning, Jones chose the Bengals over the Tennessee Titans).

I've already gone over my love affair with the idea of bringing in Pacman Jones. He's not a trouble-maker on the field. Compare this with a guy like Joey Porter, who did assault Levi Jones in a casino but still hasn't made headlines for any egregious legal violation. Yet, the Dolphins can't stand him to the point where they are going to cut him if they haven't already (some weird cap situation is making it difficult). Porter was a malcontent due to the fact that he wasn't being used on every down and he reportedly refused to come off of the field more than once. Imagine Joey Porter refusing to come off of the field when Dick LeBeau tries to insert a sub on 3rd and 12. That's how you set an example for the young guys. I'll take my chances with the coke user.

Jones and Jones are cheap and easy to cut. Joey Porter and a guy like T.O. come with $5 million dollar a year deals and as in Porter's case, are sometimes very difficult to simply release. Take your chances with the cheap guys. You have to with a salary cap in place. You need every edge you can get.





Jones, who's been unemployed since the Jags released him last March, seems like the better risk. Jones had issues with the law (his violation of a plea agreement for "drinking while golfing" is particularly priceless -- I have many friends who subscribe to the theory that if drinking while golfing is wrong, they don't want to be right), and his work ethic has been justifiably questioned, but he's a freakish physical talent who can produce on the rare occasions when his head's been screwed on straight. He caught a career-high 65 passes for 761 yards in 2008, leading the team in both categories, before his story went south. The Bengals are now more of a run-first team than they've been in previous seasons, but they've struggled to find consistent production alongside Chad Ochocinco(notes). If he's seen the errors of his ways and can bring his best to the table, Jones could be an extreme bargain. The reported one-year, $700,000 contract means that the Bengals aren't out too much if they're wrong.

Abso-fucking-lutely. I disagree with his overall tone of "hey, look at the Bengals! Haha they're criminals!", as it's simple and it has been beaten to death over the years, but I think he put it pretty well here. This is low-risk high-reward. I was in the "sign Jones" camp for the Steelers before this past season, although they really didn't need him and as of now I don't want him to impede on Sweed, but for the Bengals? This is perfect for them. Now they can use that draft pick somewhere else. Or at least have some insurance for it. On this note...a perfect LB for the Steelers? Don't laugh, but I'm going to throw out Odell Thurman's name. He'll be league minimum. He's in the UFL and has by all accounts gotten it at this point.  And he played well with the Bengals in his rookie year before his DUI troubles. Seems like a common theme. Anyway, I think it would be a good move for the Steelers.




Personally, I'd be more surprised if Pacman Jones catches on with the Bengals beyond a reserve role. Not only is his history of legal issues far more complex, but he did very little in his first comeback with the Cowboys in 2008.

Guh. He did quite well with the Cowboys given the fact that he was out of football for an entire year. Here's what I wrote about Pacman:

"Ok...why did Dallas cut him if he was so good, then?"

I don't know. I can't tell you that. I'm thinking that Jerry Jones simply felt betrayed and that combined with the fact that the Cowboys had a bunch of young corners that they were thrilled with left him to choose cutting PMJ. By many accounts, Pacman was their best corner last year. I don't know why he was cut. Nor do I care at this point.

Again, I don't know what went on there. But I still think he's worth a flyer. Dallas didn't lose any games because Pacman was on the roster.



On top of that, the team is also reportedly interested in receiver Donte Stallworth, who was recently reinstated by Commissioner Roger Goodell after serving 24 days in jail for killing a man while driving drunk. Stallworth was suspended for the 2009 season, was released by the Browns right after his reinstatement, and is on the market. Are the Bengals just doing their due diligence, or are they interested in returning to the worst of their "America's Most Wanted" days?

They want good players at good values. That's it. There is no desire to assemble the most criminally-active team in the NFL. They all just seem to have alcohol problems. Just keep them from going out on Saturday night and I think that they'll be ok. More importantly...they won't lose any games this year because Pacman Jones makes it rain.

Sometimes it snows in February

 

Ok. We've gone over global warming before with the assistance of a Venn Diagram, although for some reason Blogger decided to remove my penis-laden Venn image at the end. That decision leaves me decidedly nonplussed. Hey Blogger...blow me. Or delete my blog. I don't care. Just don't touch my penis images.

Anyways, it has snowed quite a bit. Record snow. In the Northeast United States. In February. And all I'm reading is "where's Al Gore", "30 inches of global warming residue", and "holy fuck it's snowing a lot". Now, there is a lot to be said negatively about Al Gore, not so much as the message is concerned but mainly how he's got quite the vested financial interest in many of these foundations and whatnot that he is largely responsible for creating. I wouldn't care if he were just some hippie that drove around in a flower-painted van extolling the virtues of 'green' energy (of which there are many, many, many virtues regardless of who's right about global warming, but that's a story for a different time and maybe following a different generic energy drink), but he's more than that. I also don't really care if he takes a hybrid car or emits 19,000 pounds of CO2 in a fetus-powered hover-jet. Moving on.

SNOW IS FUCKING RAIN. You don't usually get this much snow because the cold air is not wet enough to make it! It's cold as balls in Barrow, Alaska, yet they received about 0.3 inches of snow during this same time period. Why? Because they are in a desert! Regardless of how cold it gets, it isn't going to snow there because the cold air is too dry to make fluffy blizzard snow. And cold has nothing to do with how much snow you get.

On DC's snowiest day, the temperature recorded was a high of 37 and a low of 32. The average daily high is 45 and the average low is 28. Brrrr! What a crazy occurrence! Two degrees below average on the whole! The next day, however, was 10 degrees below average and also got pounded with snow. BUT, the high was in the 30s and the low was under 20. The next day? 12 degrees below average and not a trace of snow. This leads me to believe that sometime during the day prior, it stopped snowing and got cold as balls. Because the warmer, moister air was moving out. I'm not a weatherologist, but...I mean, come on now. Snow in Washington DC in February does not disprove man-made global God-damned warming. It proves or disproves nothing outside of the fact that it was cold enough to snow and the air happened to be very moist. If anything, the moist February air is probably much, much rarer than days in DC that are cold enough to produce snow. Which leads me to formulate my new theorem...we are suffering Jeff Reed-induced "global moistening".

Every time that drunk kicker pisses in public, there is going to be some evaporation. And that piss-air has to go somewhere. Introduce some kind of weathery El Niño jetstream and you've got Jeff Reed pissing all over metro Baltimore, only this time it happens more than the standard once per year. And there is no amount of young men with families that Ray Lewis can murder to stop it. It's just gonna snow. That's just what it does in the northern US. It snows. If it's cold enough to flurry, then it's cold enough to blizzard. Would people still be asking for Al Gore if it were flurrying?

Randy Couture has defied aging!

 

Look at that old man. 46 years old. And he's fighting! Clearly defying the aging process, as Joe Rogan and numerous media outlets have noted. From ESPN:

Like fine wine, Randy Couture only seems to get better with age. Case in point: His dominating win over Mark Coleman at UFC 109.

Yep. Couture owned Mark Coleman, showing the young man how it was back in the day when they had to walk uphill both ways to school. In a driving acid rain. Wait...what?

Coleman's 45? 

So, let me get this straight. A 46-year old showed that he can get better at such an advanced age by...beating a 45-year old? How does that work? Does a 90-year old beating an 87-year old in a 100 meter dash prove anything? Age is pretty much completely irrelevant here. You shouldn't mention it. At all. It had nothing to do with anything. This match was fought in an age-vacuum. Justice will not be served until Ken Griffey Jr. repeatedly cockslaps Joe Rogan into submission for even broaching the subject. Fine wine...just because MD 20/20 Strawberry Kiwi tastes better than the Orange Jubilee flavor doesn't mean that it is fine f-ing wine. 

Now, maybe Randy Couture is...well, let's not say getting better with advanced age, but fighting particularly well for someone over 45. But, we aren't going to be able to definitively say that UNTIL HE BEATS SOMEONE THAT ISN'T HIS AGE.

Chapping my balls, Rogan.

That's it? Really?

 

Yep. That was it. Pictured are Pam Tebow and her fetus Tim, co-winners of the 2007 Heisman trophy.  This was the ad that drew all of the support from the pro-lifers and the ire of the people who just want to abort every fetus? THIS!?!?! Fuck that. This commercial should have been spicy. It should have offended people. Then Focus on the Fam would be in the news for months afterwards. People would know them. As it stands, everyone's going to forget about them within a day. F that. Tim Tebow should have actually pulled his full-grown head out of his mother's vagina on live Super Bowl tv, looked at the camera, and told all of you aborters out there to go and fuck yourselves. "Hi, I'm Tim fucking Tebow, and I'm here to tell you that God has a plan for your vagina. Keep the doctors out, and let God in. He has a plan. Don't fuck with it. Seriously, mothers...killing your own babies? ARE YOU HUMANS OR GERBILS??? I'm Tim Tebow, inviting you all to SUCK ME". Then he winds up for 6 seconds and throws a bomb to James Dobson. Well...maybe not. Showing those throwing mechanics in the ad would be akin to actually showing an abortion.

But nooooo. There was nothing of the sort. Nothing controversial at all. Nothing to make everyone feel uneasy. F. That. I didn't wait for this ad to see that. That was stupid. That was pointless. A waste of $3 mil. I'd rather watch those accountants forage through the savanna for pants again. Gay gay gay. And to think, I would have helped the economy and countered the Tebow ad if it were racy enough. I would have gotten Braylon Edwards, wide receiver for the Dicksucking Albatrosses, and done a commercial for Jeff's Abort-o-rama. 

Got knocked up again? Wanna keep it from the parents? Come to Jeff's! Start a tab! Every third abortion is free. Hey Braylon, catch!

(Mark Sanchez throws fetus behind Braylon Edwards...it is picked off and returned for six)

That's right, every third abortion is free! COME DOWN TO JEFF'S AND TELL 'EM THAT TIM TEBOW SENT YOU!

What a waste of time and money. And opportunity. I quit.

Miami Pro Bowl better attended than Hawaii Pro Bowl!

 

Yeah, I hotlinked that image. Suck it.

Think it had anything to do with the fact that Florida Turnpike Stadium has 26,000 more seats? Yeah, so much more interest in the Pro Bowl this year. I turned $25 tickets down. $25!!! That's like nothing, I make that in three months for having an ad in the upper right hand corner of this blog. People still couldn't get anyone to take Pro Bowl tickets off of their hands this year. Why have the game? Just name the teams, have them come down and jack off all over themselves for the media and then send them home. Hell, send them to Hawaii and let them do skill competitions and play chess and stuff. I might pay to watch Bryant McKinnie horsefork Alan Faneca's queen. That's what Desert Camelfucking does, they just name the all-star teams and fly them to the championship site to be recognized. They don't make them risk unnecessary injury by actually fucking camels.

And I don't care if other leagues do it.  It's easier. Those sports that play 82 or 162 games a year are much better suited to play an extra one. There isn't the same injury risk, players can half-ass it without repercussion, and really, it's just not nearly as taxing. The MLB has a 162 game season. What's an extra game? Contrast that to the NFL, where one game is a big deal in a sport that has players struggling to get through 16. Hell, some players have never made it through all 16 games. So you can't just plunk it down in the middle of the season or anything. 

So, my solution (and a lot of other people's, from what I've read) is to save the Pro Bowl by fucking it. Just fuck the damn Pro Bowl. Save those Korean children the hassle of sewing up all those ugly jerseys.

Generic Energy Drink Corner: WILD STALLION

Note: Background changed to protect the creator, who is gainfully employed and likely not paid to discuss generic energy drinks on company time.


Well, it's been some time since I've partaken in the generic drink game, but I could not pass up the opportunity to charge myself up on some of this stuff. Wild Stallion? Come. On. Are they serious? Although I guess if you think about it, even if it was to mock the product...the name sold me.

But still...come on, people! Be creative! Wild Stallion and Crazy Horse and Bucking Bronco and Rabid Dog and all of the names of that ilk are just so damn contrived! How about something like Firebush! I'd drink the hell out of some firebush. I'd shotgun that ish, right here at my desk. I'd get it all over my shirt. And I wouldn't care, because I would have gotten so much damn energy out of that Firebush that I'll be awake later to do my laundry. GET ON THIS, ENERGY CZARS!

But this stuff? This Wild Stallion? Ok. I expected it to suck. I did NOT expect it to cost $2.59. Seriously, Wild Stallion? Are you just trying to sell a bunch of Wild Stallions for this kind of purpose, collect your winnings and shut it down? I looked closer and I guess not...I don't know who Imbibe is, but they have created a website for their electric horsesemen-themed energy drink. Trot faster dot com! I guess that people that sample the Stallion are just clamoring to get their hands on some merch or order some energy power or whatever the hell else you can do on there. And they had better be good at marketing because...well, because the "Electric Green" flavor tastes like it was created from storm runoff in Cambodia. It's freaking nasty.

The smell is not exactly unpleasant, but it does not create the impression that this drink is going to be good. So I had low hopes. And then I tasted it. It was like bubble gum and cock. Seriously, it's like the factory collects chewed-up Cotton Candy flavored Bubbalicious gum from underneath desks in Bolivia and then slaps it repeatedly with dicks to squeeze all of the juice out. Just slaps it with dick after dick until they've squeezed out enough juice to fill a can. Add the standard guarana, taurine and Cherokee pubes and you've got yourself a drink that tastes like it's being sucked out of a horse. Hey, Wild Stallion!

It also gave me the energy shakes. Poor energy distribution, Wild Stallion. All in all a terrible excuse for a potable beverage. Never again!

Apples v. orange mocha frappuchinos

Roger Maris! One big season. NOT IN THE HALL! So why does McGwire deserve it? This is just the question that a knowledgeable yet retarded baseball fan may be asking him- or herself at this point. For example, one such human is Peter Pascarelli (scroll down a bit). Says Pete:

I've not voted for McGwire and this latest chapter is unlikely to change my mind. It's not as if McGwire's admission, while admirable in its candor, comes as a surprise to anyone. My reluctance to vote for him exists on several levels. For one, the automatic admission of 500 home run hitters has been tainted by the whole PED culture. For another, even with his giant home run numbers, McGwire was an exceedingly one-dimensional player. Home runs were all he brought to the table -- he did not hit for average, he was not a great RBI producer, he had relatively few other extra-base hits besides the home run, he was average defensively, a poor runner, etc. He also had a string of very poor seasons that coincidentally ended with what have been known as his steroids seasons. Roger Maris is not in the Hall of Fame because his great seasons were too few in number. McGwire should not be in the Hall of Fame for largely the same, albeit bloated, reason.

Ok. Let me preface this all by saying that I'm a huge McGwire fan. Favorite player of all-time. Probably not even close. Among major sports, it's probably McGwire-Barry Sanders-Jaromir Jagr-Fuck Basketball. Maybe Shawn Kemp. Ha. For rilly. Regardless, McGwire is the man in the MLB for me, at least aside from Pittsburgh players (ANDY VAN SLYKE!). So take this with a 535-foot bomb of salt. Anyways, if you don't want to vote for Mac because he used steroids...that's perfectly acceptable. Hell, I myself am not quite sure how I'd go about it if I had a vote. But I'm not going to get into that, because that's all over the internet and is so largely a matter of personal beliefs and morals and all of that gay stuff that it doesn't justify mention on a blog like this, which is generally dedicated to talking about dicks rubbing together and pandas fucking fat chicks. Because I have no morals. Fuck you and the pedestal you stand upon. Which is probably made out of dicks.

But this belief that, ohhhhh, McGwire was so one-dimensional, oh my Godddd, he only hit home runs! That's all he did. All he brought to the table. He didn't hit for average! His base-running sucked! Well fuck, that's because he was usually jogging around the damn bases. Homeruns are probably the most important non-pitching positive stat for a team, and McGwire is arguably the best all-time at them. He his a homerun every 10.7 at-bats, NUMBER ONE ALL-FUCKING-TIME. That's insane. He hit more than 60 TWICE. His teams got a home-run from him every 2.5 games. That's insane! That creates an environment very conducive to winning. And his career OBP was .394. That means that he got on-base two out of every five at-bats. Who cares how he got on? Does a single count for more bases than a walk? In an average game, McGwire got on-base almost twice. That's good. Very good. Ozzie Smith was only good at defense. Nolan Ryan only struck people out. Why do they get in and McGwire doesn't? Would it have helped if he did backflips on his way to first base?

And CERTAINLY don't ever compare him to Maris while I'm around. Unless you just finished comparing apples to third-world economies and want to see if you can make an even more tortured comparison. That comparison is so tortured that I'm surprised it doesn't give up any actual info. John Yoo probably came up with it. Roger Maris had one HUGE year and then two other years above 30 homeruns. See for yo'self. 39 the year before the big record year, 33 after. That's it. Under 30 every other year. One homerun every 18.5 at-bats, or almost half the rate of McGwire. Two seasons of OPS+ over 150 (OPS+ takes the sum of a player's on-base percentage and slugging and adjusts them relative to the rest of the league in a given year...100 is considered average). And if you want to talk batting average...Maris had two years with a batting average above that of McGwire's CAREER average of .263. He never OBP-ed above McGwire's career average in any single season. That's it. One great record-setting year and two more great ones. Kind of great, at least. Maybe offense wasn't what it was now way back then, but the OPS+ tells a bit of a story.

Now, looking at McGwire. Mac led the league in homeruns four times to Maris' one. He hit over 50 homeruns four times. He had a career OPS+ of 162 and a high of 216. He may have been just a homerun hitter, but he was a fucking insanely awesome homerun hitter. Comparing his homerun-hitting career to that of Maris and saying that they are even somewhat analogous in pure lunacy. You have to be a lunatic to do so. Something has to be fucked up in your head to make that comparison. Maris did it for one year. McGwire did it for the better part of an entire career. Even when he was hurt and only getting 200 at-bats in a season, he was mashing. Mashing epically. Hitting balls harder than that chick got hit in Jersey Shore. He was a beast.

So say that McGwire shouldn't be in due to PEDs. But don't say that his numbers weren't good enough because he didn't steal enough bases or something gay like that. If it weren't for PEDs, he'd be in. Unquestionably. And don't ever ever ever ever ever say that voting McGwire into the Hall would be like voting for Roger fucking Maris, or I will find your address, befriend your family, and give you a cute little rabbit for Christmas. And then, after a few months that you've had that rabbit and love it and your kids love it and you've called it something cute like "Buttondrops", I will come to your house unannounced one afternoon around dinner time and I will invite myself in and I will choke Buttondrops to death right in front of your entire family. I will brutally end that rabbit's life while your kids cry and you look on in horror. And I was scream at you, "DO YOU SEE WHAT YOU'VE DONE? DO YOU STILL WANT TO COMPARE ROGER MARIS' CAREER NUMBERS TO MCGWIRE'S, IGNORING THE HUGE SHORT- AND LONG-TERM DISCREPANCIES IN FAVOR OF MCGWIRE? HUH? HUH? DON'T YOU EVER FUCK WITH RATIONAL THOUGHT AGAIN!".

Fuck Peter Pascarelli's rabbit.

Who wants to burn down a church?

If you don't, I suggest that you watch this video. Then maybe you will want to join me.

This is the kind of stuff that turns me against religion. Sure, I'll buy that religion does give some people a sense of peace or whatever with life and helps them feel good and all of that, but there is too much of this stuff. And the worst part of it isn't Pat Robertson...it's the fact that there are probably millions of people who listen and think, "ya know what, Pat's right! If Haiti's going to make a pact with the devil, of course God is going to send a devastating earthquake to clean that island up. What's that? The pact happened all the way back in 1825? Well, you know what, GOD'S GOT SHIT TO DO!". Better cut a check to Pat right now to cleanse Haiti from the devil residue!

Jeez, Pat. I know you are insane to the point where you've claimed that the Lord done hath given you the strength to leg-press 2,000 pounds. Well, that and your age-defying protein shake, which is probably some form of jizz latte. And I know you blamed Katrina on all the sin and abortions and the dicks touching together down in New Orleans. Weird, though...all of these dens of sin are located on coasts vulnerable to earthquakes and hurricanes. Maybe we should start a sinplex in International Falls, Minnesota and see what the Lord comes up with to run that one out of town. Maybe polar bears? Anyway, this one's got to take the cake. Blaming an earthquake leveling a dirt-poor country that kills an estimated 100,000 people on a voodoo priest from the early 19th century? Come on, man. Doesn't God have a statute of limitations on this stuff? The sneakiest part about it was the way God subtly placed a fault line under the country and kept it inactive until he really needed it. Although I guess all of the scientists that predicted such an event have some explaining to do...why were they crediting their obvious conversations with God to science? Probably just served to piss him off more.

The best part is the comparison to the "wealth" of the Dominican Republic, as if God had big plans for the entire island of Hispaniola until the voodoo priest went and fucked it all up. The differences in societies have nothing to do with the mountain range that separated them...I mean, come on! Those ancient civilizations couldn't just dig tunnels or something? Or just boat around them to see what's up with each other? The French and Spanish couldn't just get together on this one? Crazy. Pat also ignores that while the DR is in much better shape than Haiti, it's still poor as fuck. Just because it has some resorts doesn't change that fact that it's not a great place to live. In fact, the main reason that it looks so good is probably the fact that it's right next to Haiti. Haiti is the DR's fat friend. So the Dominican looks good enough comparatively for "US" to fuck it. We'll probably still end up with crabs.

So fuck you, Pat Robertson. You and the complacently-nodding light-skinned chick that you rode in on.

I wore Max Starks' condom once

I gots nothing else to talk about, so might as well get random.

Anyway, right before I moved to the Everglades, I was working as a valet at some Pittsburgh area night spots. But not your normal valet where some dude in a suit pulls up to some fancy little gay restaurant and has you park his Lincoln in a garage. No, we were working at a place where every car had rims and they all pulled up at the same damn time and we hustled to put them all in an alley. Without scuffing the rims. And, on Sundays at one of these places, many Steelers would typically pull up after home games (or afternoon road games against close division opponents). So that was always pretty interesting. Willie Parker owes me $20 and Joey Porter hates me. So does Casey Hampton, but he hates everybody. Big Snack was typically a Big Prick.

Joey Porter hates me because I broke into his car and stole $4,000 from one of his friends. Not that I actually did, of course. But try telling that to Joey Porter and his friends. During some nights in that area, people were breaking into cars and stealing the stereo systems out of them, as they were typically expensive after-market upgrades. And they did some numbers on them, too. Somebody broke into Ricardo Colclough's car and tore it apart so badly that it wouldn't even start. Had to tow it out of there. And they broke into Peezy's van as well. Yes, the Peezy Van. A white van that said PEEZY on it. I had never even heard him referred to as Peezy before this. I also lost the keys to his other car when I accidentally locked them in Casey Hampton's car and forgot about them. So Peezy was nonplussed when I told him that I lost his keys along with the fact that I allegedly broke into his van. Luckily I remembered where the keys to the Hummer were after a few minutes.

But really, Joey...why would I break into your van? I HAD THE KEYS! I could have opened the door, taken money out of your Hawaiian friend's wallet and left. Do you think that in between parking your whips I also destroyed Ricardo Colclough's car? And your friend couldn't fly back to Hawaii the next day because I stole his whole wallet. Why would I do that if I had time to plan this all out? I don't even want this dude's wallet. And if I had it, yinz could have just had me arrested right there on the spot. I guess I could have pretended to break in to make it look like I had done it, but it would have been pretty damn hard to do all of this while parking your cars. Anyway, Joey Porter thinks I broke into his car. So does Casey Hampton. The next week they pulled up and said "now nobody better break into the cars this week...we know you did it". Then why come back? That would be like Roethlisberger going back to his hoe in Vegas and saying, "hey, I know you accused me of rape last time and the case is still pending...but can we do it off the record this time?". Anyway, they aren't as intimidating in person as you would think. When Casey Hampton flipped out because a bar employee tried to have him move an hour after the bars closed so that he could sweep around his seat, Snack got all pissed that he was being disrespected and talked about how much money he brought into the place. Came off as more of a 'bag than a badass.

Regardless, Snack was the only one who really did that. The rest of the Steelers are really cool dudes. Charlie Batch and Mike Logan used to hook me up on the reg with tips; they were the only ones to do so. But with the money we charged to park I didn't really expect any tips. I was paid well just for being there. One of the coolest, most down to Earth Steelers was none other than Max Starks (along with Kemo and Najeh Davenport). Max was the man. So we hooked Max up when we could. After his injury in the 2006 season, he stopped by real quick once. Just for about 20 mins. So we pulled his car right up to the corner and didn't charge him. However, as I got out of the car, a wrapped condom fell out onto the sidewalk. A Magnum, of course. And I had never even tried using one of them. So I put it in my pocket for later. Max also handed me $10 on his way out. Thanks, Max!

It took a few weeks since I wasn't a player back then, but of course I got a chick to do me before I left for Florida. I still had Max Starks' Magnum handy and decided to try it out and, well, see if it fit. Lo and behold, they are pretty much the same size as regular condoms...maaaayyyybe a bit wider, so if anything they are easier to put on. No hassles with the Mag. They'll pretty much fit anybody, though, which leads me to believe that most people who use them just do so for the status and to make themselves feel better. Regardless, I tried it, it worked, and I gave the business to a young lady with Max Starks' condom.

Thanks again, Max!

The Lord shalt deliver us to playoffs

 

Yo Ray-Ray, thanks for sittin' down with a playa to talk about Week 17's slate of supercalifragilisticespiala-DOCIOUS games. What is your mindset going into this final week. You ballin'?

 

At times during segments partaking in our lives, OUR VERY LIVES...we as human beings, created by the Lord, IN HIS IMAGE, and not, I REPEAT NOT, using Photoshop, we must from which it springs forth move toward the very goal presented to us BY GOD. By which it hath sprung from. And I, as a child of God, will do JUST THAT, as I embark on my quest towards the playoffs. This quest is a quest from which what forth I hath must travel. Have gun, or knife, will travel. Simple. As God's Linebacker, I must cover sideline-to-sideline for the Lord.

And cover sideline-to-sideline you do, Ray. BOOYAH! What do you say to critics accusing you of using overzealous religious imagery to cover up for that 2001 murder charge? It's murdaaaaaa!

Those that cast stones and throw bones know not that the overtones of my speech FROM WHICH WHENCEFORTH CAME directly from the Lord. DIRECTLY. The Microsoft word of the Lord is Fedex-ed directly to Ray Lewis, and Ray Lewis then speaks the word of the Lord for the Lord in place...IN PLACE OF THE LORD. Indeed...THE LORD DONE HATH GIVEN RAY LEWIS POWER OF ATTORNEY.

Damn strizzaight out the gate, dog! So I'm taking it that you like your team's chances against the Raiders to lock up a playoff spot?

Ray Lewis is blessed and thus blessed also be thy team that he playeth for. But mainly, RAY RAY PLAY FOR THE LORD. AND HE COVER SIDELINE-TO-SIDELINE FOR THE LORD. And thushencely, Ray Lewis' team plays for the Lord, and stands, one team, undivided, not dividible, under the Lord. And Ray Lewis stayed on this team due to his love for this team and the blessings bestowed upon this team by God, NOT, thuswhichrepeat NOT because the Cowboys did not give him enough money.

You all about the clout, Ray-Ray. I see you are glad you decided to stay in BMORE BAM BAM POW CHICKA GHOSTRIIIIIIDE THE WHIP PLAYA, up in the hizzy.

Stu, I am in the hizzy. THE HIZZY...OF THE LORD. The Lord's Hizzy. And thusmust I shalt get busy. The Lord God thoutsuchwhence shalt deliver us to playoffs. And in playoffs, we should drink the blood of our enemies, for we are in Holy War, WE ARE IN JIHAD. We are in playoff Jihad. And after such violence and atrocities donehath been committed, we must pray. This...THIS...this is why we pray. For we art all brothers. Brothers under our Father, the Lord God Himself.

BOOMCITY! Thanks for spittin' some knowledge at a playa, Ray.

 It hath been my pleasure. And the pleasure...OF THE LORD. THE LORD GOD. And thus we pray.

Amen.

Yes. I'm going to say it. Steelers savior? Pacman Jones.

So, the Steelers have realized that no amount of hope and change can cure what ails their secondary. It's a combination of a poor pass rush, injuries to star players, aging + regression to the mean, and, in my opinion, poor coverage schemes. Regardless, it's not going to be something that can be completely fixed in one draft.

So why not take a chance on the NFL equivalent of a freebie?

Pacman Jones is 26. He's not in jail. He's not suspended. He's never been formally charged with a single crime. He can play tomorrow. He'll come at the league minimum. He can be cut in 6 minutes. It will cost NFL peanuts to find out if he can still play. And if he can still play? He can be a star. And a steal, at that. At one point, Pacman Jones was an absolute lockdown corner at the NFL level. Three years ago, he singlehandedly won at least two games for Tennessee through interceptions and kick returns...and if you don't believe me, you can ask Eli Manning. There have been rumblings that Stefan Logan is a waste of a roster spot because he isn't doing enough in the return game to justify the fact that he is taking the roster spot of a potential positional player. I don't buy that, because I don't see this team being one shoddy backup away from competence.

But Pacman may not be that shoddy backup.

"But why did Tennessee cut him if he was so amazing, Vern?"

Simple. Pacman was the number 6 pick overall in the '06 draft, meaning he was carrying with him a very large cap number. He had just been arrested about 5 times and was looking at a yearlong suspension from Sheriff Goodell, who was just getting into his phase where he was overcompensating for something with huge suspensions. The Titans could not afford to pay this guy all that money while he was suspended and were just simply getting tired of his act. And I don't blame them...he was terrible there. He was getting arrested almost bi-weekly. But that was 2006 and I couldn't care less about it at this point.

"Ok...why did Dallas cut him if he was so good, then?"

I don't know. I can't tell you that. I'm thinking that Jerry Jones simply felt betrayed and that combined with the fact that the Cowboys had a bunch of young corners that they were thrilled with left him to choose cutting PMJ. By many accounts, Pacman was their best corner last year. I don't know why he was cut. Nor do I care at this point.

"But the Steelers just don't sign this type of player, Vern."

Don't kid yourself. James Harrison and Santonio Holmes, both heroes of last year's Super Bowl, also have woman-beating in common. I'm not going to count Holmes' weed infraction, because that's about as minor as they come and probably prevalent in the NFL. And maybe even society, for that matter. But still, he's been accused of woman-beating a few times. It was enough to get Cedrick Wilson cut, but not the superstars! We've also got a QB who is by all accounts an egomaniacal prick, a teflon douche at WR by the name of Hines Ward who is a fan favorite regardless of how much douche he empties out of his bag, and a kicker who assaults police officers. I don't care if they were already part of the family or not...what they all have in common with Pacman is the fact that they are good football players.

Pacman Jones can come in tomorrow at the league minimum, thankful for a chance to get back in the NFL. And he can potentially play the cornerback position at an elite level, something that this team needs badly. And if he can't? If he's completely lost it? Well, then you cut him and take a relatively small loss. No big deal. Pros greatly outweigh the cons.

"Vern...we don't want Pacman ruining the team chemistry."

Great. Neither do I. And he most likely won't, because he's never been a problem on the field. He has off-field problems, sure. But I don't care about that. By all accounts, Pacman is a diligent worker and a guy who plays his heart out and just wants to win football games. His teammates love that. He's not T.O., a guy with a squeaky-clean image off the field but a terrible one on the field, which I will argue is much, much worse. Pacman will not lead the Steeler players into lives of crime. He'll show them how to play corner and he might make it rain a few times as well. And if he kills a guy? Great. You can cut him.

I can't see any reason for Pacman Jones being out of football. I believe the same about Matt Jones. These guys are low-risk high-reward guys and in today's salary-capped NFL, that's how you get the edge you need.

The Steelers are simply not in a position to be perfect role-models right now. No one cares how nice your players are when they finish 8-8.

Gerry Dulac's keys to victory - Steelers @ Browns

Big game tonight in what shouldn't by any conceivable stretch of the imagination be a big game.

Steelers sputter into Cleveland, fresh off of four straight losses including two to teams that their own fans don't even select in Madden, Kansas City and Oakland. The latter of which included Bruce Gradkowski lighting them up to the tune of 300+ yards and 3/0 TD/INTs. Delicious. That's what it tastes like when you give a rimjob to a leper. Not only that, but the 1-11 Browns actually look somewhat respectable with the emergence of Brady Quinn as a guy who can complete more than 45% of his passes at the NFL level, something the Browns have lacked over the past two years.

Anyway, I'm not an expert by any stretch, nor do I get paid that much to write. Technically I guess you can say I make just over 27 cents a day by virtue of my awesome advertisement I have in the upper right-hand corner. I'm not even sure if that check cleared. It probably did. But I guess it is my duty to keep this blog active, and what the hell...I may even place a bet or two on this one. But NOT without first consulting an expert...and I have one here in Gerry Dulac. Gerry, make sweet love to our language and tell us what each team needs to do to pull this one out. Cowboy Dulac, take me away...

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BROWNS KEYS TO VICTORY

1. Allow Brady Quinn to be a medicine woman. Even though Brady Quinn isn't a doctor, and likely not a woman (although he does seem to have a hearty appetite for cock), the Browns need him to be a medicine woman and cure them of the disease from which they have suffered from all year...a severe case of sucking enormous balls. If Quinn can apply a vaccination against sucking enormous balls and even allowing them to only suck regular balls, the Browns should be able to put some points on the board and have a chance in this one.

2. Don't allow the Browns to turn into Frowns, and if they do turn into Frowns, turn them upside down. Eric Mangini has a hell of a task tonight...he can't allow the Browns to develop frowns. Football is a game played with emotion, and frowns contribute such negative emotion to a team's play that it is nearly impossible to win a game when frowning. Mangini must work his magic to keep the team from frowning. Worst case, if they do develop frowns...Mangini MUST work to turn those frowns upside-down as quickly as possible. Every frowning second will negatively affect the team's "Emotional Time of Possession (ETOP)", and the Browns are just not talented enough to overcome a huge disparity in ETOP.

3. Have the Wright stuff. Pittsburgh has passed at will this year. And at guys named Will, and Steve and Champ. However, the Browns must not allow them to pass at Eric, as cornerback Eric Wright needs to have the Wright stuff tonight. He cannot have the rong stuff. For Cleveland to win this game, they will have to love the way Eric Wright turns them. Wright is listed as questionable, but he needs to play, and he's gotta be all that they needed. He's gotta be so Wright.

4. Don't let Santonio buy and sell any Holmes. Santonio Holmes has been playing well in the past few weeks, catching a TD in each of his last two games and turning short passes into long games. The Browns CANNOT allow him to do any real estate brokering out there on the field, buying and selling homes or Holmes at his leisure. If Santonio is able to acquire a large portfolio of properties on the football field, expect the Browns to be evicted in the end.

5. Don't turn Massaquoi into a passive toy. He must be a massive boy. USE Mohammed Massoquoi effectively. He is Cleveland's top receiver and the only real weapon they have in the passing game, and he must be utilized often against Pittsburgh's suspect secondary. Massaquoi must be used actively, and cannot be allowed to become passive. If Cleveland wins this game, the fans will likely be mentioning afterwards that number 11 really was a massive boy out there.

STEELERS KEYS TO VICTORY

1. Remain the Steelers...do not turn into the Peelers or the Revealers. The Steelers MUST remain Steelers and play Steeler football to win this game. They are not good enough right now to simply roll over and play Peeler football and win this game as they have been in the past. Also, Bruce Arians must mix it up enough on offense and Dick LeBeau the same on defense to keep the team from becoming Revealers and revealing the play to the Browns before it starts.

2. Need Sweed to proceed with speed and not greed. This one's simple. 2008 second-round pick Limas Sweed has been labeled a bust by many, however, the Steelers cannot afford to give up on him yet. With WR Hines Ward likely unable to tough out a hamstring concussion, Sweed is going to have to step up and proceed with speed. However, he cannot show any greed like he did in last year's playoffs following a big drop against the Ravens. Sweed's greed in faking an injury caused the team to burn a timeout, which they may need. Sweed must take heed and not continue to recede. If he does this, a fan may show her tits and earn herself a bead.

3. Don't allow the Browns to go downtown and eat Mounds. Calling the recent Steeler pass defense "shoddy" would be an affront to shoddy homes in Haiti. The Steelers pass defense, especially in the fourth quarter, has been downright syphilitic. It has syphilis. The Steelers must remedy this and prevent the Browns from throwing down town and celebrating in the endzone with delicious Mounds candy bars. If the Browns are allowed to throw downtown, they may eat so many Mounds that they develop Type II Diabetes.

4. Stay out of Mr. Rogers' neighborhood. Browns DT Shaun Rogers is one of the few top-end NFL talents on the team, and the Steelers would be wise to avoid running at him if possible. Although Mr. Rogers' neighborhood is typically in Pittsburgh, this week it may be moved to the middle of the Cleveland defensive line. Take the train through the tunnel into Make-Believe, but do it off-tackle.

5. Don't allow Dennis Dixon's dick in. Keep Dennis Dixon's dick out and on the sidelines by protecting Ben Roethlisberger from the Browns pass rush. Ben himself has to take an active role in this task by getting rid of the ball, thus keeping Dennis Dixon's dick where it belongs. While Dixon performed well when his dick was forced into the Baltimore defense, he still showed that he is a young quarterback still adjusting to the NFL game. If Dixon's dick is allowed to come into the game, things may change for the worse quickly for the Steelers.

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Thanks, Gerry! You may all take this information and use it as you wish when placing your bets tonight. Free of charge.



EDIT: It has been brought to my attention that Rogers is out for the year and will not be playing. Whatever. Tell it to Dulac.