Start getting independent

It's that time again, time to celebrate the 232nd birthday of this great tit-fucking nation with the smooth, melodic sounds of late-1990's Destiny's Child songs. Yes, I know you are independent, America, and you obviously need someone to pay your bills. Just tell me what percentage you need and it's done. I put the check in the mail in April. Actually, I did my taxes the same way I do my porn...online. Nowadays, you can pay your car insurance bill with a few clicks in the middle of watching some hair-gelled dude drill for oil in an Asian woman's vagina. And that's just the way I like it.

So, don't just sit around tomorrow jacking it (or flicking it, or vibrating it, or covering it in ice and blowing a fan on it, or whatever you ladies do). Go out and get independent. Shotgun PBRs like George Washington would have done. Get drunk and wrap your Honda around a tree just like Thomas Jefferson would have done. Go out and rob a convenience store at gunpoint like Crispus Attucks would have done. Impregnate some chick you'll probably never talk to again and pay her off to get an abortion just like John Hancock would have done. Live it up a little. And who needs fireworks when you can make some of your own? That's right. I'm talking bukkake. For America. America needs it more than you do, trust me. She'll lap it right up.

And after you get done wiping all of that jizz off of America's face, sit back and reflect on this as much of the history of this great nation that you actually remember from public school (likely not very much if you attended school in Florida). Slap that hoe in the name of Prohibition. Do a jager shot for William Jennings Bryan's "Cross of Gold" speech, which was given back in the day when retards were actually arguing whether they should back their money with gold or silver. Dude, who the fuck cares? We're America! Just print off more like Mugabe does. If it's good enough for Zimbabwe, then it's good enough for the ol' US of A. And remember, kids...don't share needles. That's what Jefferson Davis would have done.