Nobody plays pickup football in jeans

Nobody. Not me, not anybody I've ever played with, not anybody. No one plays pickup football in jeans. You would be laughed off the field. And then if you came back you'd get picked last. Because you are wearing jeans.

Why doesn't Levi's come back with a commercial featuring Hakeem Olajuwon playing pickup basketball in jeans? Or maybe Teemu Selanne at a skatearound in jeans? Why? Because it would be patently ridiculous? Probably. I hated Bert Favre even before he started playing pickup games in jeans and throwing bad throws to uncovered receivers on the commercial (at least he made the right read this time). But after the Wrangler commercials I hate him even more, just for the simple fact that this moron thinks it's ok to play pickup football in jeans.

Because it's not. Not at all.

I would quit the game if I was the only one in it not wearing jeans. I would seriously just walk off the field with a quizzical look on my face as to why the rest of these morons showed up to play a football game all wearing Wrangler jeans and just sit there and reflect on what the hell happened to my life. If Wranger jeans are so comfortable, Bert, why don't you play in the them in a real game?


Oh, because you would look like an idiot. And the NFL would fine you. And on the fine letter you get, there would be some LOLs thrown in there. Like,


Dear Bert, I regret to inform you that the NFL has made a decision to fine you $10,000 for a violation of the uniform code in last week's game against the Dolphins in which you threw like 5 interceptions. The reason we are doing this is because you wore fucking jeans. You fucking moron lol. Please remit payment to the NFL addressed to "the NFL" and on the subject line of the check write "for wearing jeans like a dumbass" lol. Wtf were you thinking, retard? Lol, Sheriff Roger Goodell


No one else does this. Michael Jordan didn't dunk around in jeans.


Unless that was the inspiration for Jordache. No one plays hockey in jeans.


Manny Ramirez doesn't wear jeans.


George Washington didn't discover Greenland in jeans.


Barbaro didn't break his horseleg in horsejeans.


So who the hell does Bert Favre think he is getting off on wearing jeans to play football?

Until this situation is rectified, I plan on founding the "Fuck the Polar Bears" fund in Wrangler's name. Every dollar you donate will go towards making life even worse for the starving polar bears who's glaciers are melting (cry me a fucking river, polar bears). I will personally transport the money, while wearing Wrangler jeans, in a denim-colored Ford Taurus, to wherever I can use it to fuck up polar bear life. I might make the trek up to Nunavut myself to fuck the polar bears. Because fuck them, that's why.

Is that what you want to make possible, Wrangler? Because that is what's going to happen if you don't stop showing people playing football in jeans.

Blogger's block

I've got nothing to write about. Straight drawing blanks here, players. Above, enjoy a random picture of a sacred cow.

Something needs to happen so I can continue to write nonsense on the internets. I'm also thinking about bringing a webcam to a doctor's office and doing an online STD test.

While at a doctor's office last week to find out why I be all sick recently and stuff, I thought...do these Indian doctors get jealous when they have to perform physicals? I bet they do.

I still have yet to receive my Obama check. I guess I'll just continue working in the interim, but I have faith that it's coming and that it's going to support a decent lifestyle.

My car lease is up soon. I hope they give me a good deal, because I want the car. But I don't really want to pay for it. DILEMMA!

I don't get why so many people care about gay marriage. I don't. Either way. Why is everybody so fascinated by it? I don't care if the gays marry. I don't care if they don't marry. The main reason is that I'm not gay and I'm not going to get gay married.

Random thought is the lowest form of blogging. Really, this should be saved for stuff like Facebook pages and AIM profiles. But hey, whatareyagonnado?

After listening to some Ray Lewis interviews, I legitimately would not be shocked if it turns out the he is indeed gay and honed his dancing and jazzhands skills while singing show tunes in the team shower.

Seriously, people of the world, please do something that I can blog about. Oh, and alert me to it in a timely fashion so I can be ahead of the curve, just like my women. lolololol

I love the unexpected "lol" in emails and stuff like that. Like, when I get an email from some guy at work detailing some municipal treatment plant's flowrate and he throws in a "they plan on treating 30 million gallons a day...lol!" and I'm like, did you just fucking say lol in an email to me? Are you alright? Is everything ok? I'm not laughing out loud right now. In fact, I'm not even slightly amused. Why are you? Wtf? Should I really be lmao-ing right now? I guess just call me Lmao Ming.

Then I get fired for saying "fucking" in an email and being derogatory towards tall Chinese basketball players. The sacred cow can stay though, as it was determined that I am simply paying respects to a different culture. That's how I roll.

If I owned a sushi restaurant, I would certainly have the "Slow Your Roll" on the menu, along with the "Know Your Roll", the "Get Your Roll On", the "Honor Roll", the...holy hell, I could really see this going somewhere. I could easily fill up a menu with stupid phrases with "roll" in them. This place would be huge. I need to get on this.

I need to think of something for Ray Lewis and Vince Young to be doing together and then I may actually be able to create something bloggable. Until then, ehhhh, I got nothin'.

Peter King will allow this to become a weekly thing

Once again, I'm calling free game on the bashing Peter King's column thing and going back at it this week. It's so easy. It's like taking candy from a baby. Or from Amy Winehouse.

------------------------

The Pittsburgh Steelers might be the luckiest team on the face of the earth, but they also are the most mentally tough. You'd better have a four-leaf clover, and an anvil in your shoulder pads, to beat them right now.

You know, they've lost some of these types of games, too. Seriously. I know you know this, though, because you refer to it like three sentences later.


And I hope every PR guy in the league passes out to every player the part of my column about what Matt Birk is doing this week. It's that important.

Yeah, you fat douchebag, make it about you. And I hope Pac-Man Jones skeet skeet skeets all over it when they do.


The Titans have Pittsburgh coming to Nashville on Sunday afternoon, and suddenly, that's a vital game. The winner of that game will be the No. 1 seed in the AFC playoffs, the loser No. 2.

This is just a minor qualm here, but they will have to play games in week 17 and they will matter if the Steelers lose theirs and the Titans win. Assuming the Steelers beat the Titans, which I guess will depend on what Jeff Fisher decides to do on the coin-flip.

Tennessee had won the toss before the game. The Titans elected to receive, and Houston chose which goal to defend, picking the favorable winds in the second and fourth quarters. Obviously, Fisher wishes he had deferred, and taken the prevailing winds in the second and fourth quarters.

If Tennessee loses to Pittsburgh, Fisher's going to remember that coin flip for a long, long time.

Told you.

I was drawn to Harrison's story by Minnesota center Matt Birk, who is doing something I hope every player in this league will heed this week. Birk is donating $50,000 from his Week 16 gamecheck (his base salary is $5.32 million this year) to jump-start Gridiron Guardian Sunday. Birk has written to all NFL players, who should be receiving the letter early this week, asking the rank-and-file to donate a portion of their pay this week to the Gridiron Greats. In the letter, Birk says: "This is a humanitarian issue, and the people suffering at the center of it are some of our own.'' Each player will be able to make a contribution to the cause from this week's paycheck.

But, more importantly, they are also going to get a copy of Peter King's column.

6. Philadelphia (7-5-1). I'll bet you $1,000 that Donovan McNabb howled uproariously over the T.O. hijinks last week. Several times.

I'll bet you $1,000 the baristas at Starbucks jack off into your coffee. Several times.

8. Indianapolis (10-4). Tony Dungy's such a good person, and so nice to his former protégés. He can even make Rod Marinelli look good.

Tony Dungy is so good! He loves Jesus! And he said nice things about his friend Rod Marinelli instead of saying he sucks on TV! What a guy!

9. New England (9-5). The Patriots scored 35 points in the first 18 minutes at Oakland, in a driving rainstorm. Football is a funny game.

Why, were the endzones suddenly protected by a moat?

10. Minnesota (9-5). Personal note here: I'm so happy for Tarvaris Jackson, who threw four touchdown passes with no interceptions in Arizona. His story is so good. Last year, at 6 a.m. the day after the Super Bowl, he and two buddies were working out and throwing the football because he was so excited about preparing to be the Vikings' starting quarterback. He went out the day after The Big Game because the Vikings had crushed the Giants two months earlier, and the Giants had just won the world championship, and if the Giants won the title, Jackson figured, why not us?

Wow! I have goosebumps from reading that. Of course, my goosebumps are borderline retarded, but still.

Seriously, why is an NFL QB going out and throwing a football hoping that he wins the Super Bowl the upcoming year an incredible story? And why do you even know this? Were you hanging out with them in the shower afterwards?


11. Atlanta (9-5). I love football. How great is it that we could well look back at the Justin Blalock fumble recovery/thievery-at-the-bottom-of-the-pile at the end of this year as the biggest play of the Falcons' season.

It's so great. I'm seriously shocked that a fumble recovery could be a big play. That's why I love football. And how crazy is it that gas prices could drop 60% this year? I mean, seriously, we could look back on the lack of serious structural damage from Ike and Gustav as the main reason it got this low. That's what makes oil speculation and destructive hurricanes so great.


12. Tampa Bay (9-5). Not time to bury the Bucs, but you've got to be extremely worried about their ability to stop the run if they make the playoffs. Last two games versus the run: 37 carries for 299 yards for Carolina, 43 carries for 175 yards Sunday in Atlanta. The Bucs have the proverbial must win coming up Sunday at home against San Diego, and they'd better wear their big-boy pads for that one because the Chargers will come in rushing.

San Diego is ranked 27th in the NFL in rushing. How do I know this? Because I have the internet.


"All game they didn't make plays. One drive they did.''
-- Baltimore middle linebacker Ray Lewis, on the Steelers' 13-play, 92-yard drive in the fourth quarter for the only touchdown in Pittsburgh's 13-9 win over the Ravens -- the first Steelers win in Baltimore in six years.

This isn't a dig at Peter King here. I just want to say...fuck you, Ray Lewis. I hope you stab somebody tonight in Baltimore and they bleed their hepatitis on you.


Mike Mularkey, offensive coordinator, Atlanta. I bet when Mularkey's son, at 5, first got on a bike, dad would not let son use training wheels. Because that's how he's coached Matt Ryan this year. Third-and-one, Atlanta 28, three minutes left in the first half. Interesting opportunity here. The Falcons had been running the ball well, and I assumed he'd send Michael Turner up the gut. Which he did ... but he had Ryan make a phony sideways tossing motion toward Jerious Norwood before faking play-action to Turner up the middle. Then, in almost the same fluid motion, Ryan rainbowed a pass in the left flat to Norwood, who had no one to beat for 17 yards and a first down.

This was not a vintage day for the Atlanta offense -- 373 yards and 13 points in 71 minutes (including 11 minutes of OT) -- but Mularkey has done such a terrific job in inculcating Ryan into the NFL way, and this play was the perfect illustration.

While they may have sucked for the majority of the game, the fact that their QB was trusted to convert a third and one shows that Mike Mularkey never used training wheels. Back in his younger days when he was tagging drunken sorority girls in the kitchen closet, Mike Mularky never once used any sort of protection.


2. Matt Ryan, QB, Atlanta. Merril Hoge, on the "State Farm NFL Matchup Show'' Sunday (I give them so many plugs that "State Farm is There'' is my personal anthem), called Ryan the NFL MVP, which seemed to stun his panel pals. Not stunning here.

I really can imagine Peter King laughing and singing the "State Farm is there" jingle while he wipes Brett Favre's jizz off of his chest with a Tony Romo jersey.


5. (tie) Troy Polamalu, S, Pittsburgh; Ray Lewis, MLB, Baltimore; James Harrison, LB, Pittsburgh. The two Steelers guys are here because the stingiest defense in points and yards allowed has to get its due. And Lewis, with a sack and a tackle for loss and another virtuoso performance of running the Raven defense, is playing like he's 25, not 33.

Untouched through the line for a sack! DPOY!


I still believe Bush will be an effective, point-producing player. But he needs to learn that one cut is the way to go. If you can't find a hole after one cut, you've got to burrow ahead and be happy with a three-yard gain -- in both running plays and punt returns -- instead of trying to hit the home run.

You tell him, Peter King. I'm sure Reggie Bush is reading your column for advice on how to run in the NFL. Peter, you've got to learn. Talking about stupid personal minutia in the player's lives is not the way to write a national column about the NFL. Take it from me, I started a free blog on Blogspot.


So you want to know why Pittsburgh defensive coordinator Dick LeBeau, boss of the league's stingiest defense, has had so much success over the years?

I'll give you a clue: At 7:28 p.m. Thursday, while the team, coaching staff and front-office staff was at a 5:30 p.m.-8:30 p.m. holiday party at Heinz Field, LeBeau was finishing up practice review for the day and practice preparation for the next day. Then he made a short phone call to me, and made it to the party for the last half-hour or so.

When I'm 71, I pray that I have the energy that man does for his work.

Dick LeBeau is the only coach in the NFL who works long hours. Plus, he has old man musk. Need I say more? Good, because I don't have any actual evidence as to why Dick LeBeau is a really good defensive coach. And why does it matter that he called you? Why is Dick LeBeau calling you? Are you guys discussion travel stories?

Friday afternoon, Montclair, N.J., four-way stop, and I'm at the western stop sign. I have the right of way. No car is at either the north or south stop sign, and a blue Maxima approaches the stop sign across from me.

Honestly, no one cares. I've already lost interest in where this story is going.

I know I'm at a dead stop because I have to shift the car back into first gear, which I do only when the car is stopped.

You drive a manual transmission! MANLY!

I proceed straight into the intersection, and the Maxima, which only slowed down and never came close to stopping, turns left, in front of me, with no signal. Now, we can count the traffic tickets right there on three fingers -- stopping at a stop sign, not signaling on a turn and I think there's also a statute about really ticking me off. So I lean on my horn and the guy driving the Maxima waves me off. Like: You didn't really expect me to stop there, did you?

What if he was there before you? You never mentioned that. Also, stopping at a stop sign is not a traffic ticket. In fact, you are expected to do it.

I'm a bit of a driving hypocrite because I do my share of law-breaking driving. But I've always thought that these municipalities struggling so mightily with reduced budgets could make big dough by simply posting unmarked police cars around town and pinching drivers for rolling through stop signs and going 43 in a 25-mph zone. It might even make people drive the way they're supposed to.

I am a bit of a hypocrite because I also do stuff that I'm not allowed to do on the road, yet I get off on railing on other people for the same violations. I've also always thought that municipalities who need money can ticket drivers who break the laws of the road. The way they could do this would be to dispatch police cars to the areas where people are breaking the laws. They could put a cop at every street corner. This way, all of the tickets they collect might make a dent in the salaries of all of the extra police officers that they can't afford to hire. All this time, people will be murdering each other in non-four way intersection areas of the town.

The Chicago Blackhawks. The Blackhawks set off on a six-game, 12-day road trip on Nov. 18 -- to, in order, Phoenix, Dallas, Toronto, San Jose, Anaheim and Los Angeles. (Who thinks of these itineraries? Magellan?) In between a Saturday night date with the Maple Leafs and a Tuesday noon flight to San Jose, the players were going to have their one day off on the trip, a Sunday, back home with family in Chicago.

LOL! If only Magellen had planes and only had to travel in a 2,000 mile area.

Other than Toronto, what is wrong with that road trip? Anything? Seriously, do we still have planes?

A couple of weeks have passed. The Blackhawks lost all three games on the last leg of the trip, but no one was blaming the Gravenhurst detour. I asked Sharp if the team had any regrets about attending the wake.

"None,'' he said. "No complaints. We were where we should have been. We'd do it again, 100 times.''

So I asked the Chicago Blackhawks if they regretted going to the funeral of a father-like figure to many of them, because they lost some hockey games. Can you believe they said no!?!?! And, can you believe I'm talking to the Chicago Blackhawks in my NFL column?

And that's my good news story of the week. Be proud, Canada. You've raised some nice boys.

Yes, Canada. You have Peter King's regards.

I preface this by acknowledging that I am employed by NBC, the beneficiary of the potential to change the late-season schedule, so you rightfully should look at this and say, "Of course King's going to empathize with the concept of flex scheduling and pay homage to powerful Lord Ebersol. It's helping to pay King's massively bloated salary.'' And you'd be right, sort of. So skip over the section if you don't want to read my propaganda about how good flex scheduling is for the football fan from Orono to Oxnard.

For starters, I don't know anyone who wants to risk a return to those glory days of 2004, when we got 3-11 Cleveland versus 3-11 Miami in Week 16, and the 5-10 Giants and 6-9 Cowboys in week 17. NFL Fever! Catch it!

I don't know what NFL Fever is, or why it's capitalized, but I am kind of hoping that you catch it.

Ebersol listens to lots of voices advising him on which game to request in NBC's six flex weeks, but he relies most heavily on a two-man kitchen cabinet, John Madden and game producer Fred Gaudelli.

A what? A "two-man kitchen cabinet"? What the fuck does that mean? It's a cabinet. You can't add words to it that preface it in other instances. Like, if I say that you, Peter King, have an association with Dick Ebersol, I can't just call it a North American Man-Boy Love Association and expect it to still make sense. Even though it kind of does. Bad example.

Of course, FOX isn't happy losing Carolina and the Giants. But if you're a big fan of the NFL, and you don't have DirecTV or four TVs in your living room, and if you can now see the best AFC game of the weekend (Steelers-Titans) early, a game with possible Wild Card ramifications following that (Eagles-Redskins), and then a game for NFC playoff supremacy (Panthers-Giants), what's better than that?

What was the point of all this? Who's complaining about flex scheduling? FOX?? Who the fuck cares? Who do you think reads your column, football fans who watched the games this past weekend or FOX executives? Why are you pretending that this is a controversial stand? WHY DO YOU INSPIRE SUCH HEAVY QUESTIONMARK USAGE, YOU HEAVY MAN????

a. The excessive reverence for the Heisman Trophy by ESPN had me wretching up my pork chop Saturday night. Did Jesus win the Heisman? Moses? Abraham Lincoln?

This is like the pot calling Ben Wallace black. You make a guy like Derrick Mason sound like Ghandi for talking to people while he signs autographs, and now you have a problem with excessive worship??? Who are you, Jim Jones?

f. Why does every announcer say "football game'' instead of "game'' or "field'' or "player'' over and over and over in the same sound bite? We know the sport is football. Does Joe Buck say, "The Cubs are playing a heck of a baseball game on this baseball field?'' Does Mike Breen say, "This is a basketball game for the ages, and these basketball players out on that basketball floor will remember it forever?''

Does Peter King say, "I'm going to touch Matt Ryan on his manpenis and maybe swallow his manseed?". NO. No he does not.

5. I think if you combined Dallas Clark the receiver and Anthony Fasano the blocker, you'd have a Mackey-Winslow type, a player in the argument for the best tight end ever.

If you combined the best features of any good player with the best features of another good player, you'd probably have a really good player. If you combined Mike Vick and Peyton Manning, you'd have a 4,000-yard passer who runs a 4.3 forty and probably the best QB ever. If you combined Ray Lewis with John Holmes you'd have an HIV-positive linebacker with a large penis who killed two people after a Super Bowl.


a. Good luck to Doug Marrone, the Saints' offensive coordinator, who was released by New Orleans with the team out of playoff contention to take the Syracuse job. Classy call by Sean Payton, to allow Marrone to leave so he can get a jump on recruiting. Marrone's a good man and a smart coach, and Greg Schiano has proven at Rutgers that no job is beyond salvageable.

Get off the fucking Rutgers bandwagon, cockpocket.


f. David Clowney, that was one heck of a catch for the first grab of your career, the one-handed lunger from Brett Favre.

And if anyone knows about one-handed lungers from Brett Favre, it's Peter King.


i. Kelley Washington of the Patriots, on a rainy field in Oakland, made a great, great tackle on a kickoff, pinning the Raiders at their seven.

Holy fuck, man, it was raining. I get it. All of the players were playing in the rain, Peter. This isn't the fucking Wizard of Oz. Rain is not a big deal.


a. How can Devin Hester take a punt and run backward 10 yards, as he did Thursday night against New Orleans? Isn't that against every punt-return fundamental he's ever been taught?

Again, Peter King giving tips to explosive NFL players on how to play the game. That's what some of them do, Peter. Sometimes he turns it into a big gain, sometimes he doesn't. Don't you think that maybe Devin Hester would get the benefit of the doubt? Didn't Antwan Randle-El and Dante Hall do this all the time back in the day? Peter King's "School of Fundamentals For Players Who Have No Reason to Listen to Anything Peter King Says" should be graduating it's inaugural class next April.


8. I think if Steve Slaton (last five games: 156, 73, 130, 120, 100 yards) had been playing this big a role all season, he'd be challenging Adrian Peterson for the rushing title right now.

I think if Steve Slaton had been averaging 115.8 yards a game all season, he'd be in the hunt for the rushing title. I think this because I just multiplied it by 16 and it comes out to 1,853 yards, which is usually enough to put a player in the hunt for the rushing title.


a. Why, oh why, if you're a politician in Illinois do you think you're getting away with anything big? Assuming this latest idiot goes to jail, that makes it four of the past eight Illinois governors who would have been imprisoned.

You hear that, Illinois governors? LISTEN TO PETER KING BEFORE YOU DECIDE TO RAFFLE OFF SENATE SEATS!!!! Apparently selling a senate seat to the highest bidder is ok in any other US state.


d. I think, regrettably, we have to help Detroit. Too many lives at stake to not bail them out. But there'd better be a car plan with vehicles we're actually interested in buying.

Thanks for your insight. Think of all the people who will die if we don't help! Why don't you start by sucking on the exhaust pipe of a Lincoln Navigator?

f. Coffeenerdness: Did an exclusive interview with Marv Albert last night about his coffee habits. Turns out he likes three double-tall cappuccinos a day, and doesn't mind drinking them at room temperature.

g. I have to get a life now.

Self-depriciative humor doesn't help you here. I still think you are a tremendously large bag of douche. If you emptied all of the douche out of the bag, you could probably fit 4,583 liters of Jay Cutler's sperm in there and still have plenty of room to spare.

I could have been president in this political climate

Hey y'all, Cedric Benson here. I know that people have been asking me about Obama's ascending to the presidency and all that, since I have been familiar with the Illinois set due to my days with the Bears. And I can tell you, in this political climate? Man, I could have been elected president too, and I would have gotten at least 400 electoral votes.

This isn't taking away from Barack Obama at all man, I'm just sayin'. He been preparing for this moment for his whole life and I understand that. I know all the hard work that he put in. But, I mean, I take a look at the big picture here, you know, macroscopically and all that, and I see a political climate in which everything pretty much came together for Obama. If I had spent my life in politics instead of as an NFL running back, I most assuredly could'a became the first black president in this last election, and by one of the biggest margins ever recorded.

Look, not to take away from Obama, but the time was perfect for a fresh young black candidate to take the nation by storm and walk away with the presidency. Every time I looked on TV I saw a media just yearning to give this thing to Barack, and I know that if it were me? Fuck that, are you kidding me? I'd be giving speeches so sick that they wouldn't have even held the election. You know, if I had been practicing for that for the past couple years. I would have been the first black president if I wanted to, and that's real talk. The time was right, the stars were aligned, and Obama just happened to be there instead of Cedric Benson. Y'all remember that, cause it ain't gonna be in the history books that your kids read. But they should know.

Not to take away from Obama, as I wish him luck and think he'll do great things in office. But it could have been me if I had wanted it to be.

I got a double bed

One's to sleep on, the other one's to get my freak on. It's all for the ladies.

However, the duvet cover on this bed is filled with 400-threadcount NONSENSE, Cassidy. I don't care if this song is 5 years old at this point. I heard it recently and was reminded how ridiculous this line was. Why was he allowed to get away with that? A double bed is one bed! You sleep on and freak on the same bed, just like the rest of us who don't take advantage of private booths in Amsterdam. You freak on it. And then you sleep on it. How weird would that be anyway, if you had like, two single beds in one room and you're banging this cougar on one and then you gotta be like...ok, cougar, well, thanks for touching my penis, but I gotta go sleep on that other bed right there. Yeah. That's the bed I sleep on. I just get my freak on on this one. Thanks for your time.

THE COUGAR WOULD BE PISSED!

Cassidy used to be a mixtape superstar back in the early 2000s, just like 50 Cent was slightly beforehand. Well, Cassidy came out to the world with this stupid ass song and I was hugely disappointed with his entire effort on that CD, but I think this line is why he never became a star. Karma was like...whatthefuck did you just say? Don't you know what a double bed is? Have you not been to Sears? 50 Cent fared slightly better, even though he sucks at rap. Crazy how things work out.

So, I guess I'm going to try to procure another bed to put in my room, just so I can live Cassidy's dream. I'm gonna be the guy banging the cougars and saying...sorry, but I get my sleep on in that bed. I trust you understand, coug.

OMG World Record!!!

What the hell is that, Blackberry? Is that a 150m race? Are you trying to advertise to those that actually remember the terms of the Michael Johnson-Donovan Bailey showdown? Or, and I think this is more likely, did you not run this commercial by anyone who would know what they are talking about? Yeah. I'm going with the latter.

The first dude finishes in 13.something seconds, which I get it it's a commercial yada yada yada he's running so fast his legs blur. But if you pay attention at the end, you'll see the rest of the pack crossing the finish line in the 14 second range...why? What race could they be running? At first I thought it was a 100m and was going to make fun of them for being so slow, but it can't be. They start from a curve. 13 seconds is a respectable time for the 110 m hurdles, but no one hurdles anything, so that's out. The 200m starts on the curve, so that would be the only logical assumption based on, you know, actual track races.

So what the hell are they all doing finishing under 15 seconds??? Usain Bolt just broke the world record this past year in Beijing at 19.30. And he wasn't even texting during the race! I don't know what kind of drugs these Blackberry guys are on, but they really should be tested. My only other thought would be that this is some kind of nod to Donovan Bailey, since both he and the Blackberry are Canadian, and that they are running a 150 m dash. I can't find anywhere online that will tell me what Bailey's winning time was in that (Johnson pulled up, so maybe he just kind of glided across the finish), but I can assume it might be in the 13-14 seconds range. Actually I'd guess more in the 14-15 second range, but still, close enough.

Is that what you were going for, Blackberry? I doubt it. I just think you are a bunch of retards who had no idea what the hell you were doing. So I'm not going to buy your phone and text people in races. Especially since in my last race two weeks ago I raced some dude barefoot on the street since I was wearing sandals and while I smoked him I still fell at the end and have a bad cut on my left hand. So fuck you, Blackberry, it's your fault.

Did you think I was joking?

A few days ago, Peter King typed up some words for the internet. To be read by a large amount of actual people, purportedly to get some football analysis from one of the supposed top analyzers of football. Ignoring that Peter King has no idea what he's talking about and just tells stupid anecdotes he gains from his insider NFL access, you know, "I was showering with Herm Edwards the other day and he said that Tyler Thigpen's favorite color is men".

Well, in this column, Peter wrote this:

"Why does Rutgers end up in these Single-A bowls every year? There can't be 15 teams in America playing better over the last five or six weeks."

I was shocked to read such stupidity. I responded by mentioning that a full post could probably be addressed to this statement. And now, here we are. Sweet.

Anyways, Rutgers is one of those teams that has a big year in college football for any number of reasons but fades back to reality far before their fans are ready to let go of their infatuation with this new relevance they have been given. Other examples are South Florida, Hawaii, and I'm guessing Missouri will be on this list as well. Well, some people thought Rutgers was in for big things this year. I'm guessing Peter King was one of them, as he's surprised that Rutgers hasn't been in the Orange Bowl in the past couple years or something. Let's look at their season.

9/01	Fresno State	0-1 (0-0)	L 24-7
9/11	North Carolina	0-2 (0-0)	L 44-12
9/20	@ Navy	0-3 (0-0)	L 23-21
9/27	Morgan State	1-3 (0-0)	W 38-0
10/04	@ West Virginia	1-4 (0-1)	L 24-17
10/11	@ Cincinnati	1-5 (0-2)	L 13-10
10/18	Connecticut	2-5 (1-2)	W 12-10
10/25	@ No. 17 Pittsburgh	3-5 (2-2)	W 54-34
11/08	Syracuse	4-5 (3-2)	W 35-17
11/15	@ South Florida	5-5 (4-2)	W 49-16
11/22	Army	6-5 (4-2)	W 30-3
12/04	Louisville	7-5 (5-2)	W 63-14

Impressive. 3 losses right off the bat, Navy being the only close one. Now, Navy is decent, but nothing even close to resembling a power. North Carolina had flashes of top-25 worthiness this year before falling apart at the end, and they absolutely destroyed Rutgers.

"Oh", Peter King says, "nice reading comprehension. I said there are not 15 teams in the past 6 games playing better than Rutgers".

And then he laughs snarkily. That's about the point where I take the Zima bottle he is drinking, break it over the table that his daughter Mary Beth is getting fucked by Pops Mensa-Bonsu on, hold it to his fat buttery neck and say:

"Ok, you fat motherfucker, let's look at their 6 game winning streak. Starting with squeaking out a win over a middle of the Big East UConn team, they go and get their one single impressive victory of the entire fucking season over Pitt. That's it. They beat one ranked team. Do you realize that teams like Oklahoma and Florida play ranked teams on their off-days? Then they go and finish against Syracuse, South Florida, Army and Louisville, which is probably one of the least impressive four game stretches you can possibly play. Syracuse and Army are two of the worst teams in the country, and South Florida and Louisville have each shown an impressive ability to suck against decent competition. Do you understand how bad Syracuse is? And your newly top 15 team had to rally to tie it at 14 at the half? You really think Syracuse is going into the half tied against Georgia? YOU THINK SCORING 63 ON LOUISVILLE PUTS YOUR SORRY ASS TEAM IN THE ROSE BOWL!?!?"

I would then chase him around the kitchen while Mary Beth timidly jacks off Pops Mensa-Bonsu in the corner of the room. "The whole season counts, Peter! Your 7-5 joke of a team is not going to the Sugar Bowl! Do you hear me? DO YOU FUCKING HEAR ME YOU LATTE CHUGGING JIZZCUSHION???"

The whole season counts, you cream sipping fuck. Beating Louisville handily to go to 7-5 does not a major bowl invite make. You know why? Because the majority of the college football world knows that Rutgers sucks and does not want to watch them play against Oregon on New Year's Day. We already have to watch Cincinnati come out of your fucking joke of a conference to play Virginia Tech in the most uninspiring major bowl matchup I've ever seen in my entire life. The last thing we want to do is add Rutgers to this joke-off.

God damn it, Peter King. Why? WHY!?!?!

I never meant to criticize Marion Barber's vagina

Honestly, I did not in any way shape or form mean to say that Marion Barber wasn't tough for not playing with his badly sprained vagina last week against the Steelers. Far be it for me to criticize a player for not playing with a strained clitoris while I'm sitting up here in a booth doing coke off of a stripper's tits. Marion is a tough player and I've known this since we drafted him, which is why I was so surprised that an injury to his vagina would have kept him from making the trip to Pittsburgh.

I understand that Marion's sopping wet vagina was preventing him from cutting with his usual explosiveness and also causing him a lot of discomfort and itching. I know that the deep pains he felt in his uterine cavity were likely to keep him from taking on hits with the effort and ferocity he is used to having. And I apologize for calling him and his vagina out like that...trust me, that was not my intention. I know full well that Marion will do everything he can this week to get his vagina healthy enough so that he can take the field against the Giants on Sunday, and I know that if he can play through the vaginal pain and cramping, well, by golly he's going to be out on that field ready to remind y'all that he is one of the elite players in this league. This much I am sure of.

So please, I'd like to clear the air here and get the media off of our backs (and Marion's vagina). I was not calling out my player's toughness, he's as tough an SOB as I've seen in my days here in the NFL. He'll be ready this weekend. Vaginal cramps or not.

NO!

I wouldn't want to see one of the players in the above photo on the Pirates.

And it's not Bonds.

However, the Pirates have been talking to David "Fucking" Eckstein, according to his agent, the illustrious PT Barnum. The Eck scrapped his way to a .265 average along with 2 home runs and 27 RBIs last year, which is pretty impressive considering he uses a magical plastic bat and just wants to get back to the dugout to get more orange wedges. This is not what the Buccos need to be adding to a team that already employs Jack Wilson, who would be Eckstein if they somehow managed to win a world series and he had a timely RBI at some point in it while everyone else sucked. They he, not Eckstein, would have won a sweet new Corvette that he couldn't even drive because he can't drive a manual transmission.

Just look at this douchebag:


I don't even choke up that hard on my bitches.

Please, Neal Huntingdon and the Pirates, don't ruin my faith in you by going after David Eckstein. It doesn't matter how scrappy he is. You don't get extra runs for scrappiness. You don't break ties by seeing who knows the most lyrics to Lil' Scrappy songs. There is no point to pay this guy to put on a Pirates uniform.

Don't do it, Pirates. Don't do it.

Peter King's weekly circle jerk with words

Yeah, I know, I know...KSK does it. I don't care, though. I've wanted to do something similar in the past for this buttery fuckstick of a writer and since Fire Joe Morgan went down, I think that this practice is now part of the public domain. Plus, Peter King is fat enough to support multiple people belittling his coffee and Favre-jizz soaked columns every week.


NEW YORK -- Did someone say Miracle of the Ketchup Bottle?

No, because that would be fucking retarded and they would be laughed at.


I don't know how Wes Welker did what he did in Seattle. I mean this in a very positive way: In a business with a lot of interesting physical specimens, Welker is a freak of nature. Welker took the hit of a career last week against Pittsburgh across the middle, getting blown up by safety Ryan Clark on a vicious, but clean, hit. I wondered all week how Welker would respond. Would he miss any time? Call in sick? Beg his mother not to make him ever go out there again?

He got hit shoulder to shoulder. He didn't get hit in the fucking vagina, Peter. This is written like Wes Welker just got back from taking a bullet in Vietnam but somehow found the courage to not have his mom call Bill Belichick and beg to keep him out of the game. The fact that he didn't die from taking a hit in an NFL football game does not make him a physical specimen.


A couple of weeks ago, I was talking with Texas Tech coach Mike Leach, who coached Welker in college. "He's indestructible,'' Leach said. Couldn't have said it better. I hope the Patriots realize Welker's incredible value.

Indestructable enough to miss the rest of the game in which he got destroyed.


My in-laws are from Pittsburgh, so I know what I'm talking about here: DeShea Townsend will never have to buy a shot and a beer in that town again.

Yes. Yes he will. Next week, football teams from around the NFL will play another regular season game. Eventually people will stop buying shots and beer for DeShea Townsend, especially because he's going to get really sick.


There are some serious -- I mean, very serious -- communication issues on the field between Tony Romo and Jason Witten.

I agree. What was that, one, maybe two plays? Blow it up, Jerry Jones. If Townsend doesn't pick that ball off and house it, Peter King doesn't write this sentence. Of course, if mayonnaise wasn't so delicious, Peter King wouldn't eat it straight from the jar.


14. Arizona (8-5). Still, don't ask me if they can beat anyone in January.

Wasn't planning on it.


Brian Westbrook, RB, Philadelphia. One day, if Westbrook stays healthy for three more years, there's a decent chance we'll discuss his credentials seriously for the Hall of Fame. If we do, someone will bring up this game against the Giants, with his team's season on the line.

Wanna bet? I'll go with Brian Westbrook didn't just play his way into the Hall of Fame this week.

Last summer I watched Mason sign every last autograph after a Ravens' training-camp practice in Westminster, Md. I mean, he signed for 57 minutes, maybe one every five or seven seconds, all the while sprinkling in comments and answers to questions all these kids and adults had. Remarkable, really. And I was told this isn't something Mason does two or three times in camp. It's something he does every day. "Why not do it?'' he told me. "These people come to support us, every year. Maybe they can't make it to a game, or they can't afford to go to a game. They're big fans, too. They deserve our attention.''

Knock me over with a feather, why don't you.

There's no way this guy isn't gay. Seriously...he loves the taste of frenulum. Wow! Derek Mason has the ability to converse with fans! Why is this remarkable? Why? WHY!?!?!?!?! The fact that he didn't pull his dick out on the spot and start pissing on them? Maybe he'll tickle your balls with a feather, you homo.

I have owed the "Good Guy of the Week'' to Mason all season, and I should have gotten to him earlier. The other day I asked Mason about the Plaxico Burress story, and how much it was impacting his life, and the life of his teammates. "We've talked about it quite a bit,'' he said. "Plaxico is a colleague of ours, even if a lot of our players are not close to him. He made a terrible mistake, and I hope it doesn't, but it could cost him his career. You've got to be smart when you go out. You've got to go to the right places with the right people. The way the world is now, with the economy hurting so bad, people are desperate out there. And when people are desperate, they might do crazy things.''

I asked Mason about owning a gun. "I don't own one,'' he said. "I really don't want to. But I am thinking about it now.''

What the fuck does this have to do with being the good guy of the week? The fact that he's thinking about getting a gun to protect him from shooting himself in the leg? I don't even get this segue. This segue was stupider than the one that George Bush fell off of.

"We're not trying to land on the moon here,'' Atlanta coach Mike Smith said Friday. "It's a football game. The idea is to keep your players as fresh as possible late in the season while continue to teach them what they need to know to play each week.''

Who could argue with that? But coaches have different ways of getting to that point, and one of the reasons the Falcons have been revived this year (probably not a major reason, but it's part of the puzzle) is the smart way Smith has gotten his team to practice.

Holy fucking hell. You've been covering the NFL for how long and you didn't know that teams don't spend four straight hours a day doing full contact Oklahoma drills? These $60 million investments don't run around all week cut blocking each other on a striped parking lot? Even I knew this you male lesbian.

Lots of good selections out there this year, and I've highlighted nine of them here that I think will be appealing to real football fans. I've asked a future journalism star and pride of Montclair High's class of 2009, Emily Kaplan, with some guidance from me, to pick out short passages from each book so you'll get a flavor of what they're about. (Memo to deans of journalism schools across the United States: If you see an application in the file from Emily Kaplan, Montclair, N.J., she has my unstinting seal of approval. This kid has a chance to be really good.)

Why do you type this stuff? No one gives a fuck with Emily Kaplan thinks about football books. In fact, I hope she gets fisted by Wolverine.

Keith Olbermann on the happenings in the Motor City: "The Lions haven't won since the presidency of James K. Polk.''

Hahaha, I get it, it's exaggeration! Because football wasn't even invented yet when Polk was in office. Get it? It's hilarious!

I could still see the Chiefs drafting a quarterback in the first three rounds and having him challenge Tyler Thigpen and Brodie Croyle for quarterback-of-the-future in Chiefland.

Have you watched a football game this year? Be honest. Really? And you still think Brodie Croyle might have a chance of unseating Tyler Thigpen? Seriously?

I simply do not understand why the Bills scheduled the Miami game in December as their indoor game in Toronto. What a huge competitive edge for the Dolphins.

Please explain. Do you really think the Buffalo players are all from Buffalo and that the Miami players are all from Miami? Or that Buffalo players don't get cold? Or maybe the Dolphins players aren't warm blooded mammals...yeah. That one. I'm going with that one.

I'd worry about that Marion Barber dislocated toe if I were the Cowboys.

I'd worry about any injury to a significant player on my NFL team if I had an NFL team because it would hurt their significant play for my NFL team.

Marvelous Millen Legacy Dept.: Detroit drafted wide receivers Charles Rogers, Roy Williams, Mike Williams and Calvin Johnson in the top 10 of the draft between 2003 and 2007. Rogers is out of football, and in an Oakland County (Mich.) jail for probation violation. Roy Williams has been traded to Dallas. Mike Williams is out of football. Calvin Johnson looks like he'll be a good NFL receiver. On Sunday, against Minnesota, the following were Detroit's first three receivers: Johnson, John Standeford (up and down from the practice squad much of the year) and Keary Colbert (signed last Monday). What a debacle.

Now that humor is just fresh. It's fresher than the freshest of fresh Starbucks lattes.

Interesting note about that (some old game in 1940 or something) game: The Cardinals scored single touchdowns in each quarter. The Eagles scored single touchdown in every quarter but the first.

I'm honestly not interested. Mainly because I do not care about when the touchdowns in the 1947 NFL championship game were scored.

I think O.J. Simpson should not be removed from the Pro Football Hall of Fame. Here's why:

Because he didn't murder anybody on the field? Because it's the NFL Hall of Fame and not Peter King's Court of Reflective Moral Judgment?

Roddy White is making a believer out of me. He's a different player under this coaching staff and with a quarterback he believes in.

He's also leading the ENTIRE FUCKING NFL in receiving yards.

Kevin Walter has 10 more receiving yards than Randy Moss, three more than Terrell Owens. Ever hear of him? Matt Schaub has.

Uhhh...yes, I have heard of him. Ever hear of Roddy White? Matt Ryan has. Ever hear of unprotected man-on-man locker room sex? Greg Louganis has.

The Ravens, even by Rex Ryan's lofty standards, are setting a new record for defensive relentlessness.

Ohhh, sweet, can we measure it in "kings"? The Ravens set an NFL record with 58 kings!

I know they lost. But the Seahawks -- Deion Branch, Seneca Wallace and a battered offensive line, especially, should take a bow for showing up against New England.

Congratulations, NFL players who showed up to play an NFL game. You guys deserve to be paid for your efforts.

Like my good pal Donnie "Brasco" Banks wrote yesterday, Gary Kubiak is very much off the hot seat in Houston.

You are like Chris Berman's retarded cousin, but instead of hitting on leather-bound bar floozies you drink 9 shots of expresso and drive your Hyundai across the PA turnpike to count the gas stations.

Can you believe the Lions' fourth-and-a-foot call right before halftime by Colletto? Sending Daunte Culpepper behind right guard, into the teeth of the marauding Williams brothers, the best run-stuffing combination at defensive tackle in football? Terrible call, and Culpepper didn't get an inch. What possible logic is there to that call? It's almost a fireable call.

Calling a QB sneak on 4th and one with Daunte Culpepper behind center is a fireable call?

Was every Tony Romo throw sailing five feet high in Pittsburgh? That's how it looked to me.

Must have been the communication breakdown between Romo and Jason Witten, who Romo thought was going to be eleven feet tall.

I think my coach of the year vote is going to come down to five men: Mike Smith, Tom Coughlin, Jeff Fisher, Tony Sparano and Bill Belichick. I welcome your comments. The last three weeks will weigh heavily, because this is close.

Now this is just my homer opinion, but why is Tomlin not on here? Belichick is? I mean, yeah he lost Brady, but he's guided a team coming off a 16-0 season to a one in three chance of sneaking into the playoffs out of a mediocre division.

Only one show in history can make me howl out loud over the pronunciation of "Cool Whip.'' You guessed it. Family Guy. I am dying to meet Brian the dog.

I will honestly buy you a knife and send it to you free of charge if you promise to stab yourself in the face with it.

I wonder what sportswriting will be like in five years. We all better get used to writing for the web. I fear the increasing irrelevance of newspapers and magazines that you can actually hold in your hands.

Shut the fuck up. You are the reason that people don't want to read sportswriting in newspapers and magazines anymore. The knife offer still stands.

Coffeenerdness: Don't remember ever waiting 18 minutes in Starbucks before, but I did Saturday afternoon in Montclair. Isn't there a recession going on?

Yes. There is a recession. So if Starbucks stops selling $5 coffees and starts selling 3-bedroom houses, the lines may shrink.

Why does Rutgers end up in these Single-A bowls every year? There can't be 15 teams in America playing better over the last five or six weeks.

Why do you pretend to know anything about college football? I could devote a whole post to this one statement. There are at least 15 teams in America that would beat Rutgers by 30 even if they were playing in Greg Schiano's basement. Because they beat Syracuse and Army, they should go to a major bowl? Are you fucking retarded?

Tampa Bay 20, Carolina 13. The hardest thing about predicting games is trying to figure out which team will show up on a given night. Not Tampa. Maybe the Bucs offense. But the defense -- that's about as regular as Aunt Mildred on six fiber caplets a day.

Your column is about as retarded as Aunt Mildred's daughter on Fetal Alcohol Syndrome.

God damn, do I hate Peter King. And this week's effort was one of his better ones.

I hate bathroom attendants

Hate. Hatehatehate. I want to punch all of them square in their lives. RIGHT IN YOUR LIFE! That's where I want to punch bathroom attendants. HATE. Hate. If you turned my hatred into a form of cancer, you wouldn't possibly be able to sell enough Livestrong bracelets to cure it. It wouldn't even be worth trying.

I've wanted to address this subject in the past, but always forgot since I usually only see bathroom attendants on weekends, and I don't write blog posts on weekends. Fuck that. And last Friday I saw one again, and now I just remembered about it. I was at an Irish Pub in Miami, one we hadn't gone to before. And it happened to be a Mexican high school reunion. We were the only gringos in attendance, and the only ones without name tags. "Hey, what year were you!?!?!"...don't worry about it, lady. I'm old enough to fuck your daughter. How's that? That's how fucking old I am. Go back to salsa dancing.

So, while there, I head to the bathroom to find a God damn bathroom attendant in the small cramped ass bathroom of a motherbanging IRISH PUB. I'm not at some club. I'm not making it rain with Lil' Weezy down at Mansion. I'm at Random O'Jockstraps Irish Pub on some backstreet right next to hood Miami. Places where all of the houses have windows guarded by bars made out of enriched Uranium. There should not be a bathroom attendant here. I CAN HOLD MY OWN PENIS, THANK YOU VERY MUCH. That's what I'm going to do next time I see a bathroom attendant. I'm going to pull my penis out and say "hey, bathroom attendant, can you hold this for me? I obviously can't do it myself, which is why you are here. I'll tip you a dollar". Is that why I hate it? Mostly. Call me cheap, but I don't want to tip some guy because he squeezed some soap into my hands. I can do that myself. Really. You can place a soap holder thing on the wall, fill it with liquid soap, and just leave it there. I'll come in and I'll touch the button and get my own soap out. It's not that hard. There is no need for a middle man in this transaction...really.

I've never seen a bathroom attendant and been glad that he was there. I've never gone into the bathroom like "God, I hope some bathroom attendant in a suit is sitting in there because I really need a fucking mint right now". Or a damn spray of cheap cologne. Because that's fucking sexy. Going into a bathroom while you are at some gay ass bar and coming back out all of the sudden smelling like a gallon of pine trees. That's gonna get the chicks right there, man. The only reason I'd need a bathroom attendant would be if my hands were cut off and I couldn't get the soap myself...but then, I wouldn't even have hands to wash. See the problem? Bathroom attendants are not cool. NOT. COOL. Get rid of them, establishments, and maybe I'll give you some respect and stop jacking off in your bathrooms while no one is looking.

Jim

That's what I thought.

Allen Iverson at QB for the Lions?

That picture is theirs, not mine. Theirs being MJD at Yahoo, who wrote an opinion about AI being able to QB the Lions better than Daunte Culpepper.

Now, let me preface this by saying that I am a fan of the work of MJD. He used to have a sick blog here, the archives of which would entertain one for probably a full two days. Now he writes for Yahoo because face it, a playa gotta eat, although his audience went from a pretty smart sports-savvy lot to the Yahoo morons who struggle to complete full sentences and think that DALLAS IS AMERICA'S FUCKING TEAM DEAL WITH IT ROMO MVP is making a legitimate point about the deficiencies in the Tampa 2 cover scheme.

So, I'm a fan. But I disagree so vehemently with the idea that AI could step in and play QB for the Lions that I have to put it in writing here, where 10 people will read it. At least, outside of AB, they will be able to complete sentences without outside assistance.


"Danks mentioned on the podcast this morning that the best quarterback who currently calls Detroit home could well be Allen Iverson. At first, I chuckled. Then I thought about it and the chuckling stopped.

This could actually be true.

Now, maybe I'm wrong. It could be an absolutely absurd notion. But we're not talking about just any guy off the street here, we're talking about one of the world's finest athletes. And we're not talking about just any team with bad quarterbacks, we're talking about the 0-12 Lions, who the 2-10 Chiefs look at and say, "Thank goodness we don't have those quarterbacks."

Really? You don't say. The 2-10 Chiefs, who have Tyler Thigpen, he of a 1,347 yard, 11 TD to 4 INT line in the past 6 games for a team with the Kansas City Chief's offense, are glad that they don't have Drew Stanton backing up Dan Orlovsky? No way!

Just because the Chiefs are 2-10 and would not want Daunte Culpepper does not say that the Lions QBs are bad enough that Allen Iverson would be an upgrade. The Seahawks are 2-10 as well, but I'm pretty sure they'd prefer to keep Matt Hasselbeck, because he's like, pretty good at QB.

"Thirty-one NFL teams felt like Daunte Culpepper was not worth a phone call and the veteran's minimum salary. The Lions were the only team desperate enough to give him a ring. And not only that, they named him their starter just days after he signed the contract. No other team wanted him as a third quarterback. The Lions wanted him as their first."

That is not completely true. As far as I remember, the Steelers among other teams wanted Culpepper as a backup. I'm sure a few other teams did as well. However, Culpepper wanted to be a starter and did not want to be a backup and earn the veteran minimum. Probably seeing this as his only chance to earn an NFL starting job next season, he went for it. I still don't think it means Allen Iverson would be a better NFL option than Daunte Culpepper.

"Since then, Culpepper has a sickly 53.6 quarterback rating. Vince Young was better. Brooks Bollinger was better. Ryan Fitzpatrick is better. Tarvaris Jackson was better. Gus Frerotte is way better."

All of those guys would be better options at QB than Allen Iverson.

The Lions thought they may have been able to get something out of Daunte. They have now probably seen that they cannot. They would not expect the same out of Allen Iverson, who never had one of the greatest statistical seasons of a QB in NFL history.

"So realistically, what could we expect if Allen Iverson was placed under center for the Lions? Obviously, he'd have no knowledge of the offense, terminology, or how to read an NFL defense. These are hindrances. But those same problems don't stop JaMarcus Russell from going out there every week."

That's why I read MJD's blog. He's lolzy. Howevs, I think AI's biggest problem is that he hasn't played QB at any level since high school. This was 15 years ago, where he ran all over some high school kids in Virginia. As one of the commenters on his article pointed out, Iverson was better than Ronald Curry. Well, why isn't Ronald Curry playing QB in the NFL? He wasn't anything special even at UNC. Steve Breaston ran roughshod on PA high schoolers. Yet, he's not playing QB in the NFL. Michael Vick was a rare case of someone who went absolutely nuts running all over NCAA competition. No one was ever even close to Vick. Yet, he wasn't even that good in the NFL. I have a feeling that a 33 or whatever year old Allen Iverson would not be able to run past AJ Hawk.

"Iverson knows how to play quarterback, though. He played the position in high school and won a state title, and there are those who say he was better at football than basketball."

That's great. There are also those who said Ed Hinkel was the best Pennsylvania high school player that they ever saw. There were probably some people who thought Antonio Gates was better at basketball in high school, like, I don't know, Kent State. A lot of people who won state titles in high school football are not playing QB for the Lions right now. I would also wager that a lot of those people thought he was a better DB than QB. Daunte Culpepper also knows how to play QB, as he has played in high school, college, and even the NFL.

"More importantly than that, though, there are things that great, highly-competitive athletes know and feel that translate to any sport. It's a desire to find an edge; it's the ability to learn on the fly the best way to get something done.

Great athletes have that. You don't get to Allen Iverson's level without being a smart player with amazing instincts"

So...Iverson's natural competitive instincts would make him a force at badminton? Or maybe he would be an incredible swimmer? Instincts and desire to find an edge will only get you so far. At some point, you have to avoid being tackled and throwing incomplete passes. Those are the areas at which I think AI would struggle. You don't get to Allen Iverson's level in basketball without being a smart player with amazing instincts, maybe. However, I don't think that Peyton Manning would make a good point guard, regardless of his obviously amazing football instincts. AI is a 30-something NBA point guard who played QB in high school. I'm still unconvinced that he could start for the Lions.

"Obviously, you wouldn't expect a 45-of-60, 380-yard passing performance from Iverson. He's not going to be Joe Montana. But you could put him in the shotgun, tell him to throw only when he sees an open guy, and just let him run around.

You could line up and do some crazy wildcat formation stuff, run some quarterback sweeps ... just let him make things happen."

Yes, make things happen. Like 3 yard losses. I don't think AI is getting away from Jevon Kearse. I'm sorry, I just don't. And I'd imagine that the Vikings coaches told Tarvaris Jackson not to throw the ball unless he sees an open guy, and we all saw how well that worked. And how is a formation in which your QB plays the QB position something crazy like a Wildcat formation?

"Hey AI, you haven't played football in 15 years, and here you are in the NFL. Don't throw the ball unless you see a guy streaking across the middle of the field for a sure touchdown after the strong safety rotated down to cover the flat. Shouldn't be that hard, no?"


"And yeah, he'd see eight, possibly nine guys in the box. But again, Iverson can throw the football, and if he's going to see those kinds of fronts, he's got the speed and elusiveness to get away from the rush. From there, Calvin Johnson one-on-one against anyone isn't a bad option. Iverson can chuck a 50/50 ball up there as well as Daunte Culpepper, can't he?"

How do you know AI can throw the ball? Because he completed a couple of lob passes in a high school highlight video that took place in 1994? And why do you think he can escape the rush with no problem? Why don't the Lions go out and get a guy like Josh Cribbs if it's that easy? I mean, he played QB in college and he's already in the NFL, so, I mean, that would have to work, right?

And no. I don't think Iverson can chuck a 50/50 ball up there to Calvin Johnson as well as Daunte Culpepper. I think Iverson would throw more interceptions than completions. I'm going to go out on a limb here...Allen Iverson does not have an NFL throwing arm. Daunte Culpepper might not anymore, either. But he's a hell of a lot closer to it than Allen Iverson is.


"I wouldn't argue for Iverson as a starter for any other team. This is a special case. And I wouldn't argue for Allen Iverson as a career NFL quarterback. There's a reason he went in the direction of basketball. He'd be the smallest quarterback in the modern era of the NFL."

I don't have any problem with this other then the thought that Iverson played in the NBA because he's too small for the NFL. I guess he's talking about bulk there, because otherwise that doesn't make any sense. Also, he can't be that much smaller than Doug Flutie.

"But you look at the Lions right now, and at the quarterback position, and they're not getting anything from it. Not only is Culpepper not making big plays, but he's not even making the average plays. He gives you consistent, below-average play with no hope for a major benefit.

Put Iverson back there, though, and he's going to make things happen. He might have some major disasters. But he might also make some mind-blowing plays. At the very least, he'd make it difficult for opponents to prepare."

Daunte Culpepper was probably awesome in high school, too. You are likely to get even less out of AI, since, you know, he's not an NFL QB and you are advocating putting him at the position of NFL QB. I can't see him making a mind-blowing play in a good way just because he was shifty when he was 17. He'd make it real easy for opponents to prepare. "Hey, guys, this QB is barely capable of the forward pass. He's going to have the worst arm you've ever seen in your entire careers. He hasn't played football in 15 years. He's 33. Ok, let's not let him beat us!". I don't think Dick Lebeau would lose any sleep because his defense would be going up against an offense led by Allen Iverson.

"Certainly, it couldn't hurt the Lions, but that's not saying much. At 0-12, it wouldn't hurt the Lions to take the field in panties and paper party hats. That's not the question we're asking here.

We're asking if Iverson would honestly be the best option at quarterback for the Lions. We're asking if he'd give them a better chance to win than anyone else currently on the quarterback depth chart.

In a major upset, I say yes."

It could hurt the Lions. Maybe not in the wins and losses department, but it would make them even worse. They can get worse. It is possible. The only good thing might be the interest that they would garner signing AI to play QB. However, they'd also have the stigma of being a sideshow act.

Would Iverson give you a better shot to win than Dan Orlovsky?

In a decision based upon rational thought, I say not a fucking chance.

The commercials on the radio are so much worse than the ones on TV

I used to have an MP3 CD player. But then I got a new car, with a regular CD player, and I get tired of making CDs every now and then. Right now is one of those times. However, even though I don't have any CDs, I have not developed an aversion to sound, and so I have to listen to the radio. I hate the radio. But what are you gonna do, you know?

So, I have to deal with the radio commercials. I listen to a talk radio show in the morning, South Florida's Paul and Young Ron show, led by a guy named Paul and another guy named, well, Young Ron. Actually just Ron. Young is a nickname. Like Young Jeezy or Young Buck. Or something. And this station particularly has some of the gayest commercials I've ever heard. Like, they make the Saved by Zero and $5 Footlong and all those TV commercials look absolutely genius by comparison.

Here's the problem, radio...you don't have pictures or video or anything. No one can see you. So stop pretending that we can. Just tell me what I need to know. Don't set up some long screen play or use stupid sounds to give me some kind of mental imagery or anything like that. Just be like, "Hey motherfuckers, yinz got dirty laundry? Well Sears is having a sale on laundry detergent! Come to Sears, dicksmokers!". If I really need some laundry detergent, maybe I'll come to Sears. But nooooo, gotta try to be all funny and stuff. Here's two recent examples that have made me consider taking a gun safety course with Plaxico Burress:

First, a Domino's commercial in which they do the usual "omg, you can't go to (random no-name place) and get a(n) (item) as good as (name brand store's) (item)!". Some guy calls Random Jeff's House of Sandwiches and asks for a baked Domino's sandwich of some sort. "Can you do this like Domino's and deliver it to my doorstep?"...what, you want us to halfass it and send some dude that takes an hour to get there? Oh, wait, this is radio. "Dude, this isn't Domino's, I can't make delicious sandwiches like Domino's, dude, I'm not bringing it to your door, dude, dudedudedude, etc.", and the whole time, I'm seeing no reason to go to a place as annoying as Domino's. And why doesn't this dude just call Domino's if he wants one of their terrible sandwiches? If I call Taco Bell and ask for a Chipolte burrito and they can't do it, did they just get served or something? Like, did I win? And this is disregarding the likely fact that most small sandwich shops are probably many times better than Domino's, which is kind of universally known for guzzling balls. Whatevs.

Then the dude on the phone is like, "you don't have an oven that goes to 450 degrees like Domino's?"...holy hell. 450 degrees? That's supposed to be impressive? The average kitchen is now a Domino's. Of course, the guy in the sandwich shop says they have a microwave that barely even works. Where the hell is this sandwich shop? Haiti? Did this guy call Port-au-Prince Subs expecting them to deliver a dirt and rice sandwich across the Caribbean? Jeez. Anthony's Coal Fired Pizza in this area comes on the radio and says hey, we have good pizza, it's cooked in a brick oven that goes to 1800 degrees, come try some, peace out. That's how a radio commercial should be. And at least their oven is something special. Domino's, are you really proud of having an oven that is barely hotter than Juvenile's first CD?


Congrats.

But that one pales in comparison to the recent Burger King commercial all over the radio here. In fact, it doesn't just pale in comparison, it Greg Ostertag's in comparison. It's that pale. In comparison, that is. Whatevs. It's about BK's two whoppers for $3 on Wednesday promotion. And how awesome it is.

When I say how awesome it is, I don't mean they say how good it is. No, they actually use the word awesome about 20 times, settling on calling Burger King "Awesome King" and calling the Wednesday deals "Awesomest Awednesdays". Pronounced "ends-days". Seriously? You have to be kidding me. Who came up with this? Who approved it? They should not only be fired, they should be forced to work as Jose Canseco's personal fluffer. That along with the guitar riffs in the background..."Awesome! *crazy guitar riff* OMG SO AWESOME! AWESOME KING!!!"...how can you not want to kill yourself? How is a life in the same world as these commercials even worth living? It's not, and I really think we should just all kill ourselves in protest. You first, of course.

So there you go Awesome King, I'm declaring a jihad against myself in response to your gayness at Gay King on Gayest Gednesdays. I am going to lead my own personal Jonestown in response to your stupid commercial. So, if you'll excuse me, I've got to get about 500 gallons of Grape Flavor-Aid.