Gyms

Ok, so the Meathead Challenge has not been going so well as I am struggling to even get up to 275 consistently in the ol' bench press department, let alone coming close to 315. Soooo, f that. I'll still be hitting the gym on the reg, but the challenge is over because I'm going to do a cycle of the juice. Yep. The roids. Just for the hell of it. Should be fun!

Anyway, the LA Fitness seems to contain a large amount of a breed of people that you don't usually see in such large packs in real life...it's almost like a zoo of sorts. But even in the zoo, some of the animals do not abandon their natural instincts.

Like the dudes who do their workouts with their hair fully gelled and slicked back, like Gordon fucking Gekko or something. Yo, dude, could you spot me? And then maybe take a quick look at my stock portfolio? What the hell is wrong with these people? I just can't see how a regular person can decide, you know, it's time to go do some lat pull-downs. Shirt? Check. Sweet tank, dude! Sweatpants? Fuck yeah! Oh...gotta slick back the hair! Lookin' good, Vito! NOW LET'S GET ON THAT ROW MACHINE!

I also saw a chick working it out with a 20 ounce bottle of Coke. The liquid version, that is. Just felt the need to qualify that after the previous description. Now, if I did that, I would be sick as hell and feeling like the I had the bends after being pulled up out of 10,000 feet of water or something. But somehow this lady just kept doing leg curls between sips of fucking Coke. I really, really hope for her sake that she's diabetic. Well, I mean, I don't actually hope that she's diabetic, but...you know what I mean. Fucker.

Another thing I can't stand are the people who lift in freaking metal clasp watches. Take your watch off, dickhead! You aren't at work. A $400 Citizen watch does not go well with a Nike Dri-Fit cut off t-shirt. It just doesn't. It would be like wearing a Scottish kilt with mandals. Such a faux pas. Is it douche-thirty yet?

And some of these girls in here are definitely part of the all-you-can-rape buffet. I really just want to dress up like RuPaul and sit around in the women's locker room for an hour or two. But some of these bitches need to fucking eat NOW. If I run into one of them at a bar, I'm not going to buy them a drink. I'm going to buy them a sandwich. Hey bartender...how about a BLT for the young lady over there? She'd probably eat it will immediately doing a set of lunges. I'm afraid that if I spike one of these girls' drinks and bring her back home that I might break her. And then I'd feel too bad about it to deny anything when she came to.

I'm also intrigued by the attire of some of these ladies. Most of the dudes just wear normal shirts and shorts/pant to workout. But no, not these women. Some fuckbortion of black and neon, inevitably. And straps and holes and fucking clasps and what the hell is wrong with you bitches? Is there an American Gladiators store near by? Should I just call you Electra?

Most of the ladies there seem to be easily offended. No, random woman, I was not serious when I said after doing some sets on an ab machine that "this is what an abortion must feel like". Maybe if you'd stop getting pregnant you'd be able to take jokes better. Me and the easily offended do not coexist well.

There is, however, one dude who seriously rapes the decency of gym attire right in it's unwilling mouth. This little Spanish dude is always wearing the SAME FUCKING short-ass shorts that barely go to the top of his legs. SAME PAIR! And he's there like, every freaking day. Pretty much the same shirt, too. Maybe he rotates between two or three. Regardless, I want to buy him some shorts. Does he do laundry every day after he gets home? Or does he just not care about wearing what must be by now the dirtiest clothes in the entire state of South Florida (yes, it is its own state)? There are a few who wear similar attire, but none anywhere near this frequently. God, dude...you are the Meat Gayzer.

So f all of that, I'm starting my cycle and forming MUSCLE CLUB. All members must wear their MUSCLE CLUB AHHHHHH! shirts to the gym on ALL OCCASIONS! No exceptions will be made. Repeat violations will result in your dismissal from Muscle Club.

You have been warned.

The meeting

Ok, ok...today's the day, Roger. Big meeting. Gotta do something strong here. Assert yourself. Solidify your position. Judge, jury and motherfucking executioner. Oh, damn...gotta hide this erection, too.




Mr. Goodell...Michael Vick is here to see you.





Damn it, damn it...fine, fine. Ok. Send him up.





Hello, Mr. Goodell. I brought a dog with me to show how much I love them. I'm a changed man. I'm like an ugly dog killing caterpillar that metamorphicasized into a beautiful, dog-loving butterfly. I'm contrite as fuck right now.





Michael, not only is metamorphicasized not a word...caterpillars can't kill dogs. I don't think. I mean, I only went to W&J, but I did graduate.





It's just a saying, sir. I've never been a caterpillar, nor am I a butterfly. I'm just a man who really loves dogs.





I'm aware, just trying to make conversation.

(Fights back weird urge, face gets red)

That is a nice dog, sir.






Thank you. You really like the Wall Street Journal.






It's a good read.






I bet it is. Too bad you can't buy stock in interstate gambling rings, eh?

(awkward forced laughter)






(laughs awkwardly as well)

Ha. Yeah. Well, listen Mike, you know why we are here. I've thought about this long and hard, just like I do in all disciplinary cases brought forth to me. In fact, I thought about this one twice as long. AT LEAST 20 minutes. And...well, I've decided to....(fights weird urge again, face gets redder)






You've decided to what, sir...is something wrong?







No, no...I'm fine. I'm fine.

(takes deep breath)

Mr. Vick, I've decided to suspend...oh God...I've decided to sus...fuck....

(turns bright red, gets bitter look on face)






Mr. Commish...are you alright? How long am I suspended? Are you gonna make it?





I've decided to suspend you for...oh my God oh my God oh my Goddddd....I've decided to suspend you...for....the first 4 games of the upcoming season...

OHHHHHH! Oh man! OHHHH! Wow! Oh jeezzzz....oh my God...whoa....ahhhhh.

(exhales and slumps in chair)






Sir...did you just jizz in your pants?






Fuck yeah, I jizzed. Holy hell, that was a good one. I need to call Jane.





Yes, sir?





Jane, I'm gonna need some new pants. I just suspended Vick for 4 games.






Even after he'd been imprisoned for two years?







Hell yeah. I couldn't help myself, I jizzed all over the place.





Oh my, Sheriff Goodell...I think I'm getting a bit...FUCK ME NOW, ROGER.






You know I love it when you call me Sheriff. Come to my office.






Is this a fucking joke?






We're done, Vick. 4 games. You tell anybody about this and I'll fucking suspend you for life. Oh God...I'm fucking hard again.

(shoots off fake guns)

Pow, pow! Sheriff Goodell is back, baby! WOOO! Now get the fuck out of here, Vick!






(Opens door naked)

You can put it wherever you want, Rog!





Now you're speaking my language.

(Starts fucking secretary on desk)





This is ridiculous. Whatever.

(leaves Goodell's office)

Thanks a lot, dog. I still got four games. Imma fuck you up when we get home.

So...Ben Roethlisberger raped a chick

Ok, so, let me throw a few things out there. I am not pro-rape. I'm sure rape is no fun, even if it's committed at a really fun place like a waterpark or a Gymboree. I'm not attempting to become the blog that people seek out when they want to read about recent rapes and how awesome they were.

But...I'm still a bit skeptical that this chick was raped.

The ProFootballTalk write-up is located at this link.

So...let's ignore the whole "this happened a year ago...only a civil case...gold digger!" angle. That's the amateur angle, and ever since I took like $10 to put an ad on this page, I've decided that I am certainly not a fucking amateur anymore. I'm a God-damned professional. These words do whatever I tell them to do, almost like I'm raping the freaking keyboard. So I'm going to allow the others to tackle that.

I'm going to focus on the actual raping. I've never raped, but if so...I like to think I wouldn't fuck it up like some drunk dumbass in the basement of a frat house. So let's take a look at the specifics of the case as told by the rapee, Ms. Andrea McNulty.





Roethlisberger showed her the television that was malfunctioning, located in suite's bedroom. Using the remote, she determined that there was no problem with the television or the sound system.

No point here other than mentioning that you sure are a smooth one, Ben.

"Hey nurse, I'm having a hard time jizzing..."

"Ok....let me jack you off and we'll see what the problem is. Hey, you just jizzed!"

"Oh...looks like you fixed me!"





She claims that, as she tried to leave the room, Roethlisberger blocked her path, and that he "grabbed [her] and started to kiss her."

Again, the smoothest. This is probably what Joe Namath was like back in 1970.





McNulty admits that she didn't try to fight Roethlisberger, citing his size and strength. She claims that she "communicated her objection and lack of consent," and that he nevertheless began "fondling [her] through her dress and between her legs."

Hey, you are a big guy, so I'm not going to stop you from raping me...but just remember, I am NOT liking this, ok sir!

Come on now...who just sits there and takes it while they are being raped and not under the influence of any drugs? I'm getting way too rapey on this blog.





She claims that he pushed her onto the bed, and despite her alleged protests he "pulled her underpants off and proceeded to penetrate her."

Now, ok. Again, I'm not experienced in the field of rape. But is it this fucking easy? Just pull 'em off and start penetrating? I have a hard enough time doing that during a consensual encounter. Was she all aroused for this or something? Does her vagina look like a map of Algeria? You can't just pull 'em off and go, right?






McNulty claims that she told him, "You don't want to do this." She also claims that she said, "Please don't," and that she told him she was not on any type of birth control.

You don't want to rape me, Benjamin! Especially since I'm not on birth control!

Come on now. Don't rape me because I'm not on birth control? It just seems so Kobe, since this chick is suing 9 other people and just got out of some psychiatric counseling that she underwent after having a relationship of sorts with a married man and it's just...it's just so Kobe. And I don't think for a second that Kobe raped that chick. Especially since his TV was working fine the entire time.




She claims that he said in response, "Don't worry, I'll pull out," which he ultimately did.

If I ever rape, I'm definitely not going to do it like Roethlisberger. How calm and reassuring..."don't worry, I'll pull out....for you". Ben Roethlisberger is like the Kent Graham of raping.





At that point, he allowed her to get off the bed. McNulty claims that she went to the bathroom, and "tried to pull herself together." When she emerged, she claims that Roethlisberger asked, "There are cameras on this room, aren't there?"

Oh God, Ben. This can't be true. "Hey chick I just raped...are there cameras in the room?"...of course there aren't, Ben! You can't have cameras in the room. But what if there are...are you going to unrape her? This chick is either making this up or Ben Roethlisberger is seriously the world's worst rapist.




She responded by saying, "Yes, there are cameras everywhere."

McNulty alleges that he then seem worried, and that his tone became "stern."

"If anyone asks you, you fixed my television," he allegedly said. "You fixed my television. Now go!"

Did he say that last statement in a renaissance accent? YOU FIXED MY TV! THAT'S IT! I NEVER RAPED YOU EVEN IF IT'S ON CAMERA!


I guess we'll know more about all this as the case progresses and McNulty's other 9 pending lawsuits clear up, but...I'm kind of skeptical. It just doesn't really add up for me. Guess I've got a lot to learn about rape.

Picking an XBox Live name

So, you want to get on XBox Live, huh? Want to test your motherf-in' Parappa the Rapper skills with Vern, eh? If you are anything like the majority of current XBox Live users, you will do so with one of the fucking gayest usernames possible. How so many people can all achieve such gayness is beyond me, but there it is.

We've seen gay AIM names, sure. But not this gay. Most people had a play on their name or used their age or their hometown or had some variant of the word "princess" in their name, but it still didn't approach the gayness of XBox Live names. And while something like World of Warcraft probably elicited the same gay usernames, it's just not as mainstream as XBox Live, and so I'm not giving it the same standing.

Because XBox Live has some really fucking gay gamertags. Or should I say...GAYmertags!!! HA! Pour that Lolgers in your cup!

It really breaks down into two groups of gays, the Cockloving Mages and the Gay Seven-Year Olds.

The Cockloving Mages consist of all of those people who try too hard to sound all killer and badass, yet, in the end, come off as a sort of goth type that love touching flaccid penises and watching them grow. You know, trying way too hard to sound like an awesome killer of other players.

Examples:

DeathMage
Wizard of Justice
DarkPwnership
RenaissanceNinja
HeartOFWarrior
BlackDeath
SupremeKnight
DormantCobra
Pwner of a Lonely Heart

...ok, that's a lie. Pwner of a Lonely Heart would be a fucking awesome name.


And then there are the kids who yell and scream during the loading sequences with names that are usually just random adjectives thrown in front of a noun.

ToxicHorse
BleedingAIDS
FloatyPigs
StapledCheese
StickyBagel
CancerousFrappachino
ITouchKids

....well, no. Again, the last one would be awesome. Imagine everybody on your team yelling at you that someone is behind you. I TOUCH KIDS! I TOUCH KIDS! I would never stop laughing. Ever. I'd still be laughing even after my grandparents were killed by sharks. And I hate sharks.

So get in the game, homos. There are plenty of good gamertags still available.

Crushing the horseperson dream

The man above is Kansas senator and all-around crazyperson Sam Brownback, who hates abortion with the passion of a hundred ethnic cleansings. Sam Brownback hates abortion so much that he wouldn't even want to abort a gay fetus. Because gay fetuses, although gay, are people, too.

Well, Brownback's latest target are human-animal hybrids, such as mermaids, horsepeople, and birdafricans. And he has a surprise partner in crime...Louisiana democrat Mary Landrieu, who was probably elected solely on the fact that she has a French sounding Cajun name.

Let's get to work.




WASHINGTON – U.S. Senator Sam Brownback today with Senator Mary Landrieu (D-LA) introduced the Human-Animal Hybrid Prohibition Act of 2009.

Yeah, I already covered that, but thanks.






“This legislation works to ensure that our society recognizes the dignity and sacredness of human life,” said Brownback. “Creating human-animal hybrids, which permanently alter the genetic makeup of an organism, will challenge the very definition of what it means to be human and is a violation of human dignity and a grave injustice.”

You know, I get that there are some weird movements (warning: watch yourself on that crazy website) to actually seriously create horsepeople and cowmexicans, but how prominent is this movement? And why do we need to pat ourselves on the back for passing this bill? Was it really hard to convince Congress that "you know, a vote against the Brownback-Landrieu Horsepeople Bill is a vote FOR daughter-raping businesstigers"? What's next? Is Barney Frank going to introduce a bill prohibiting using racial slurs as names for national grocery chains? Maybe David Vitter will introduce legislation curtailing the growing jizz-flinging epidemic. Oh, wait...Oregon already did that.






The Human-Animal Hybrid Prohibition Act would ban the creation of human-animal hybrids. Human-animal hybrids are defined as those part-human, part-animal creatures, which are created in laboratories, and blur the line between species.

Right, horse-people. Lion-grandmas. Grasshopper-fetuses. All handcrafted from stem-cells that were blatantly tortured right in front of God.






The bill is modest in scope and only affects efforts to blur the genetic lines between animals and humans. It does not preclude the use of animals or humans in legitimate research or health care where genetic material is not passed on to future generations, such as the use of a porcine heart valve in a human patient or the use of a lab rat with human diseases to develop treatments.

Or the use of a horse-hoof on a footless person, or a donkey cock on an Asian man. Those uses are still ok.





Brownback continued, “This legislation is both philosophical and practical as it has a direct bearing upon the very essence of what it means to be human, and it draws a bright line with respect to how far we can go in attempting to create new creatures made with genes from both humans and animals.

It's also as retarded as the day is long. Brownback left that part out of the official press release.

Seriously, people? Do we need legislation for this? Not that I really care, but...seriously?






“My background is in agriculture, and for a number of years we have been working with crops and animals to produce a superior soy bean, a superior cow, and so-on. We can genetically engineer safe products and herds that are disease resistant or that possess more desirable attributes. But doing this in plants and livestock is very different than doing this in humans.

"For years I have been using animal genes to grow horsebeans. But I absolutely draw the line at growing people from these beans".






“The issue is that when you make changes in the germ-line, such changes are passed along to one’s offspring. You could make a change now that could be passed along through the gene-pool for the rest of humanity. We do not know what the full effect of this could be, and it could be disastrous.

Yes, because, I mean, you could make people part-peregrine falcon. I don't think that too many people out there think that would be a good idea.






“Tampering with the human germ-line could be the equivalent to setting a time-bomb that might detonate many generations down the line; but once it is set, there is no reversing course.

As opposed to regular time-bombs, in which case after they explode, you can usually just kind of undo it and take it back.

Did he just fucking say "time-bomb"? Who sponsored this bill, Inspector Gadget?







“I am optimistic that our nation we will make a sound choice for the generations to come. Already, in Louisiana last month, Governor Jindal signed legislation into law that would prohibit the creation of human-animal hybrids. That law is modeled after earlier versions of the legislation that we introduce today.”

SO YOU DIDN'T EVEN DO ANYTHING!!!! You just copied Bobby Jindal's horseperson bill.

The only thing I hate more than epically retarded legislation is LAZY epically retarded legislation.

Mainly, I'm kind of pissed that I lost any opportunity to have a future horsecock transplant.



Finally, here is a list of retards:


The following senators are orginal co-sponsors: Senators Sam Brownback (R-KS), Mary Landrieu (D-LA), Jim Bunning (R-KY), Richard Burr (R-NC), Saxby Chambliss (R-GA), Tom Coburn (R-OK), Bob Corker (R-TN), John Cornyn (R-TX), Jim DeMint (R-SC), John Ensign (R-NV), Lindsey Graham (R-SC), James Inhofe (R-OK), Mike Johanns (R-NE), Jon Kyl (R-AZ), Mel Martinez (R-FL), John McCain (R-AZ), James Risch (R-ID), John Thune (R-SD), David Vitter (R-LA), George Voinovich (R-OH), and Roger Wicker (R-MS).


So what did Mary Landrieu really do other than be a Democrat? As a subject of Louisiana governor Bobby Jindal, did she just kind of sneak into the state offices and steal the existing bill? Or was mentioning her in the header just the latest in a stupidly transparent attempt to think that our worthless elected officials are working together in a bi-partisan effort to make lasting, effective legislation? I'm going with the latter.

When we are at a point where a Democrat signing onto a Republican's bill that bans human fucking animal hybrids is considered an important bi-partisan effort, then we have much bigger problems than a few goose-people flying around.

EVIDENCE!!!

Yeah, Air McNair was shot to death by perhaps a jilted 20-year old lover or maybe a friend of the 20-year old chick or maybe even a fucking ninja for all we know right now. And it was crazy. True warriors who just win don't get shot every major holiday, you know. This is not what the founding fathers had in mind when they originally decided to get all independent in this shizz.

But, police recently showed that they are not playing around here with this case and uncovered some very damning evidence against an ex-boyfriend of the 20-year old girl...A RAP SONG WITH KILLING LYRICS IN IT!

Now I don't want to be one to jump to retarded conclusions here, because I have no idea what happened and this Norfleet guy could have killed both McNair and Nicole Kazemi and JonBenét Ramsey for all I know. But how are these "chilling" lyrics "eerily similar to McNair's murder"?


Here are the lyrics:



(Chorus)
"I don’t wanna be like this
I don’t really wanna hurt no feelings
But I’m only being real when I say
Nobody wanna see an old man collapse
And old men have heart attacks
I don’t wanna be responsible for that
So let the s**t go and walk away
You can still have a little bit of dignity"

(Lyrics)
“I would never claim to be no
Benjamin Tebow, an 83-Year old fake Pacino
So how could he run his mouth about me
Knowing nothing about me

I love it when a dumbass doubts me
Until I pull the pistol out proudly
Put the clip in his mouth
Til this motherf***er shouts, ‘please don’t kill’
Have you sippin through a straw for the next 8 months
That’s if you even make it through it alive you dumb f**k

Try to stunt and front and fronting in front of somebody else
Til you're surrounded by 20 people With nobody’s help
IF you try to go incredible hulk it won’t work
Put so many holes in you your nerves won’t even jerk
Lurking in the shadows thinking and scheming of work
Got a little cocky so you decided to flirt
Now you’re flirting with death"

The final verse in the song set to Eminem's "Nail in the Coffin" instrumental track is as follows;

"If you ever do it again b***h I’m not rapping
I’m getting a clip and clapping and I’m not laughing
They’re wrapping you up for your little trip to the morgue
While I’m preparing for my trip to the shore,
Don’t ignore me, I’m not lying, I couldn’t be more honest
If you ever do it again, you’ll die, I promise.”


Uh....huh? Because he said old man? He said he was going to die of a heart attack or something? This is weaksauce, The Internet. Come on. This doesn't prove anything. It's a fucking RAP SONG! It's supposed to talk about killing people! Have any of you people listened to rap in the past 3,000 years?

I imagine we will be arresting DMX for the Black Dahlia murder, Young Jeezy for JFK's assassination, and hell, Eric Clapton for the murder of the Pittsburgh police officers? Jeez. And what the hell would this guy be trying to prove with this song, entitled "Closed Casket"? Does it show the depths of his true love for Kazemi? "I love you bitch, but if you ever cheat on me with a retired NFL QB again I will fucking kill something with a gun"?


Let me show you rap lyrics to which the phrase "eerily similar to McNair's death" would be applicable:


(verse)
Yo mothercocksuckers I don't wanna do this shizz
But I'm gonna have to make this point to this bitch
If you keep running 'round Nashville with Steve McNair
I'm gonna frame a murder-suicide with you and Steve McNair
Then there won't be anymore fucking Steve McNair
Just you lying dead there with Steve McNair
And everyone will think you killed yourself and Steve McNair
I think the Ultimate Warrior's clothing looked like sleeves with hair

(chorus)
Yo bittttttch, if you keep fuckin' old retired NFL QBs that played with the Oilers, Titans and Ravens
I'm gonnnnna motherfuckinnnn killlllll youuuuuuu and him too
But I'll make it look like I didn't do it

(verse 2)
Yo, 4 bullet holes to that number 9 jersey
One to your head, yes, this assassins for dummies book's working
Lay the bodies out on the couch and the floor
30 minutes later, call police to the door
60 minutes later, put some tweets on Twitter
80 minutes later jack off till it blisters
Two hours later put a rap on Myspace
Cause I killed Steve McNair, good luck with that case


Yeah. THAT guy killed Steve McNair. Fuck it...I killed Steve McNair. Did you see that song I just wrote? I fucking did it. Let me write some more lyrics:


I'm teabaggin' sluts, I can't put my balls away
Reminds me of that time I kidnapped Natalee Holloway

Yeah, I know how to handle a cold fifth
Kinda like when I suffocated Anna Nicole Smith

Ask the questions, you know I got the answers
I'm the one that gave Ulysses S. Grant cancer

The hoes are the game, and I know how to play
Until I blatantly injected Eazy-E with AIDS


I'm a baaaaaad man.

I still have enough money to hate Rick Reilly

That's right, Rick. Not even identity theft can make me forget how much I hate you and the senseless tripe that you try to continually pass off as a million-dollar column. I think you should consider getting tuberculosis.

Here's Reilly's latest "effort", in which he used stale played-out jokes to fix the recession.







This Great Recession is on us like a golf club head cover. Every direction you look, blackness. I meet people every day who are working twice as hard for half the pay in offices that would make a morgue look cheery.

They probably work on Wall Street. If so, they should be working for half of the pay they used to receive. I, on the other hand, have not met a single person who is working twice as hard for half the pay, but then again I have not looked in a complete 360-degree direction recently.





It's tough. It's brutal. It's depressing. And that's just the break-room fridge.

Rick Reilly...you have a comedic gift. Of course, I guess some people refer to herpes as a gift as well, so that might not be saying much.






But I have a solution. What offices need right now is a little bit of sports.

Perfect. This will certainly help people feed their kids, right? I mean, this has to work.






If there's one thing games teach us, it's to buck up, dig in and hold on. That's what we cherish about sports -- the faith that no matter how bad things suck, eventually you're going to win. How else do you explain Cubs fans?

Cubs fan joke! I love it! Sports does do this. For example, Red Sox fans had the same thought before their team won it all in 2004. Which goes to show, sure you may have some problems, but it may only take 86 years for them to ameliorate themselves!!! YAY!






For instance, what if -- like in hockey -- the boss picked the three stars of the day? And those three people came out of their cubicles and did a little spin around the main lobby carpet while the other employees banged their staplers on their desks in approval?

Oh my God! This would only get tired after...once! This would be so cool. I can't wait. How about we have office fights, too? Or, I know, every couple years we go up to a co-worker and slash them in the throat with a skate! IT WOULD BE SO HOCKEY!






What if the office had chest bumps and shaving-cream pies and everybody slapping the Work Like a Champion Today sign over the door on the way in?

Wow! It would make the office EVEN GAYER!

The first person in this office to hit me with a fucking shaving cream pie is going to get beat so hard that they could do Shamwow commercials.







And office chatter!

C'monKidHeyKidOnlyTakesOneBuyerKidOnlyTakesOneYouAndHerKidRightOnThe DottedLineKid.

Words can not describe how not funny this is. I believe this is on par comedically with full-blown AIDS, devastating earthquakes, and The Holocaust. Why was this article greenlighted? This is an assault on comedy. Rick Reilly should probably be arrested for writing this and cashing the check that he received for doing so. In fact, it would probably help ease the recession a bit.





What if every accounting office came with cheerleaders?

Two, Four, Six, Eight!

What Do We Depreciate?

Corporate-Owned Vehicles!


Or, what if that didn't happen and I wasn't forced to kill anybody in this office with lockcutters? If failed attempts at humor caused water to evaporate, then Rick Reilly would have some serious explaining to do about the Aral Sea.





Everything we need to know about the economic recovery we learned in sports: Back each other up, hustle for everything, and get it back one score at a time.

Right now, I am thanking the Lord Jesus Christ that Rick Reilly is not an economist. Did Obama start taxing successful humor or something?






The office needs hotfoots and butt slaps and Gatorade showers. And a room where people can go and bust the bejesus out of a cheap toilet with a bat every once in a while, just to get it out of their system.

That would be terrible for office productivity, Rick. Listen, I have to wear nice shirts to work. The first person to dump Gatorade on one of them is getting face-raped.






When a really great secretary hits 65 and has to go, why not retire her number?

Dolores Ginty, no one will ever use extension 3713 again. It's yours forever!

Because Dolores Ginty doesn't give the slightest of fucks about the extension 3713.






Like baseball, firms should have some political bigwig come and throw out the first pitch of the day.

Mrs. Finsterwald? This is Governor Bloom. How would you like to own a vacuum that could change your life?

Holy hell. Just shut the fuck up already. This kind of writing makes Natalee Holloway disappear.






Work needs Rings of Fame along the office walls and tailgating instead of lunchrooms. At the end of the day, everybody makes human tunnels for everybody else to run through. Orange slices now and again would be nice too. When the big sales drive starts, guys should grow playoff beards and women should stop shaving their legs, and everybody should start wearing their Jason Giambi lucky gold lamé thong and refuse to take it off until we're back in the black.

Why? WHY DOES EVERYONE IN RICK REILLY'S VIEW OF CORPORATE AMERICA SELL VACUUMS?!?!?!?!





There's nothing better in golf than a good caddie, right? So why can't businesspeople have them?

All right, Mr. Grey, here comes the big client and his wife. Don't forget, she's been on that Oreo diet, so tell her she looks like she lost some weight. And remember, he can't hear out of his left ear, so stay right. You TOTALLY got this!

Uhhh, they do. We just don't call them caddies. Do you think people in offices just meet other people with no knowledge about them at all? "Hey, Mr. Grey, remember that he's black, so no sickle-cell jokes, ok?".





Tiger Woods wears red on Sundays for low numbers. Businesspeople need to start wearing green on Fridays for cash. And if they sign the big deal, let's watch it again on instant replay!

Or we could wear purple on Thursday so we feel like kings. And maybe gay people could wear blue on Tuesday because they like dudes. And we could wear black the entire month of February for Black History Month. Really, this will save America.





Look, we Americans are as resilient as Slinkys. As a country, we are too young and bouncy to let this get us down much longer. This is a time to turn our hats around backward and bring out our rally monkeys and start rattling the window shades. Don't make fewer business trips, make more! Don't buy less stock, buy more! Every office needs an organist playing "Charge!"

We can't afford to fly, so let's fly more! We can't afford to walk, so let's run! We can't afford condoms, SO LET'S FUCK EVERYBODY IN THE OFFICE!!!!






Think like athletes. Write "No Prisoners" on the soles of your shoes. Ask each other for autographs. And at the end of the month, put together a "One Shining Moment" highlight reel. Then, somebody, pull out the softball cooler of beer.

I autograph enough stuff every day. I refer to it as my "signature".






Pretty soon, as sure as cops love doughnuts, this will turn around. And we'll be using sports stuff we never thought we'd use.

HA! Cops and donuts! Hey, sure as little Vietnamese children make shoes for 20 cents a day, we are going to get out of this hole! And as sure as all Chinese people look the same and have tiny cocks, we're gonna make some fucking money!






Hey, nobody talk to Achmed. He's made a sale on every call so far today! Don't jinx it!

He's sold eight vacuums today!

Maybe if all you are doing is cold-calling, you could save some money by not having an office?





When everybody gets their job back and unemployment in this country is once again under 5%, here's what I'll do: If you see me in a bar, I'll buy you a jigger of your favorite adult beverage. But you get only 24 seconds once I walk in.

After all, I've got a shot clock.

HA! That's so...nonsensical. This is honestly one of the dumbest things that I've ever seen Rick Reilly write, and that really is saying something.

Rick, I'd take your drink, but I'm not able to hold it in my hands. Because I'm carrying a fucking basketball right now. Maybe next time.

Who else was identity thefted yesterday?

Wow, nice system font, Lifelock. Classy.

So....wait, I was the only one who had $1,300 of unauthorized purchases made yesterday on my Paypal account? 17 separate instances of mailings being made through USPS all from the same street adress but in different cities? Yeah...that is correct. All on the same address (eg 48 Jizzcow St) but in 17 different cities. Because that's just how I roll.

So, I called up Paypal and Bank of A today and found that I should get the money back eventually BUT it could take up to 10 days, which wouldn't be a problem if I weren't, like, poor. This playa has bills to pay, alright? Those hookers aren't going to take my payments on a credit basis which means that I was just effectively sentenced to 10 days of flaccidity.

Spirits are ok now, as I plan on recouping the fees from the pencils I supposedly mailed to Kyrgyzstan. But if I don't get the money back shortly, my outlook will change and I will be going all Steve McNair on motherfuckers. And no one wants that.

Sports v. Real Life

Above is Clint Benedict. He'll come into play shortly.


So, on the Tuesday (6/30) jeopisode of Jeopardy, there was a question about hockey entitled "The Puck Stops Here". And, you know, it's Jeopardy, so the questions have to be a bit difficult, right? At least something like "this Quebecois Queocksucker scored a fuckton of goals and was nicknamed 'Rocket'". Not the hardest question for a hockey follower, but something of moderate difficulty that wouldn't be answerable to any children's book author from Massachusetts or anything.

But noooooo, they ask dickbag questions like, 'the Montreal Canadiens play hockey in this syrup-covered country', and 'hockey is played on frozen water, also known as this'. F that. That's gay. So here are the questions, from a site called J-Archive, which is also the name I have given to the list of phone numbers that I call when I want some chick to come over and casually blow me:




After stopping a puck with his face in 1930, Clint Benedict became the first NHL goalie to wear one of these.

Hmmm...I have no fucking clue!!!! What the hell would an NHL goalie wear on his face after getting hit with a puck? Is there something that I don't know about Clint Benedict? Did he wear mascara? Or shave his eyebrows or something? What is the question, Trebek???

"What is a mask", says children's book author Tui Sutherland. I would have gone with "What the fuck?", but that's just me.



$400, Alex!



Goalies have only done this 11 times in NHL history.

You know what? I'm ok with this one. It's difficult enough to be a $400 question on Jeopardy, a game in which categories about Britain ask you who the fucking king was in the year 849 and categories about baseball ask if players typically wear gloves or not.

"Score a goal!" Good job, Nina.


$600!



When a goalie stops a shot on goal, he gets credit for one of these, like a relief pitcher in baseball.

Oh my God. Seriously? You are offering $600 to anyone with sufficient hockey knowledge to answer this question? That would be like picking a category about composers, getting a Daily Double, wagering half of your winnings, and getting "This composer, who wrote the 'Paris Symphony', had a name that rhymed with Bolfgang Pozart"'. If you were into classical music, you'd probably immediately leave the studio, fly to Barrow, Alaska, and start killing eskimos. Just brutally and systematically murdering every eskimo you saw with no respect at all for their heritage. Because you would be appalled that they would actually deign to ask you such a ridiculously simple question.

Anyway, Tyrone agrees with me and buzzes in to put this to rest.

"What is a strike?"

Holy fuck, Tyrone. What is a horse-fucking moron, maybe? I don't care if you don't watch hockey...who would see a goalie make a save and say "WHOA! That was a sick strike! Best strike I've ever seen!" Because I'd punch you in your head.

Nina, ask us what a save is.

Thank you.



$800, Alex! Let me guess...what is a fucking hockey stick?

A goalie's stick is composed of 3 parts: the shaft, the paddle & this ice-scraping bottom piece also found on a skate.

Oh....hmmmmm....the bottom of a fucking ice skate? What's on that? Is it the shaft, the paddle and the shoelace? Can we just call it the metal ice thingy? God damn it. Tyrone, redeem yourself.

"What is the pick?"

Oh jeez. Tyrone, you live in Maryland. Have you never seen ice? Have you been watching too much Oz? No one skates around on an ice pick. They kill people with them. And unless you are Clint Malarchuk, I don't see how you can confuse the too.

IT'S A BLADE. Thanks, Nina. Although I feel like you are just stealing money at this point.



I've given up. Close out the category.

It's the area a goalie patrols in front of the net, or a feature of freshly pressed pants.

Sweet! Missing the cut were "a player who commits a foul must sit in the penalty this, or a slang term for a vagina" and "both faceoffs and bukkake sessions are associated with this shape". I think they chose the worst of the bunch, personally. I guess, similarly to $400, it's ok for a Jeopardy sports question although it's pushing it...but for $1000? Jeez. For that kind of coin, you should ask which Ottawa Senator pushing for his release one year into a long-term deal killed a teammate a few years back or something.

And again, Nina steals this money, as she loves her pants with a fresh crease.


But my question is this...are these questions really that easy? Or do I just follow sports so hard that I am just unaware to the fact that knowing that baseball bats are made out of wood is pretty much the real-world equivalent of knowing that the Siege of Ochakov occured in what is now Ukraine in 1789? I think it may be a little bit of both in some cases, but come on, now...here's the $1,000 answer from "Things That Are Blue" or something like that:


Though, as you see, it comes in other colors, the terrier seen here has this cerulean name.

The correct response is "what is a Kerry Blue Terrier?"...to which I reply, what the fuck is a Kerry Blue Terrier? I have never heard of this dog in my entire life and I am still not convinced that they exist. Surely, more people have heard of the crease, right?

Fucking Jeopardy.

Oh my God what offseason!

Jay Cutler CANNOT BELIEVE how active this offseason has been! And neither can AP's Barry Wilner...trades! Signings! Cuts! Oh my God, it's like there hasn't even been an offseason! This stuff never happens EXCEPT FOR EVERY FUCKING YEAR!





Supposedly, pro football has reached its downtime. Considering how the NFL has ignored for nearly five months that this is the offseason, a break sure would be nice right about now.

There is downtime. What has happened recently? Did someone sign a 7th round draft pick? Did Bernard Berrian stretch in minicamp? I can't keep up with all of this action!




Head coaches are on vacation—Philadelphia’s Andy Reid and Minnesota’s Brad Childress went fishing together in Alaska, where they presumably are not discussing how to incorporate dynamic first-round picks Jeremy Maclin(notes) and Percy Harvin(notes) into their offenses. General managers are examining 30-foot putts, not salary cap figures. Roger Goodell is climbing Mount Rainier.

DeMaurice Smith is taking pilates classes in Houston. Dan Rooney is fisting barmaids in Ireland. Bill Parcells is extracting tiger sperm in the Serengeti. Point is, things are quiet on the football front.





Hopefully, with people in the league really reading the calendar and taking vacations, the rumor mill will stop spinning uncontrollably—no more breathless Brett Favre(notes) half-truths or total misrepresentations, please—and everyone can recoup before training camps open in five weeks.

Yes, media...stop reporting on NFL stuff. Seriously, Barry Wilner needs to relax his overwhelmed brain. He has no time for minor things such as whether or not the reigning NFC North champs will be bringing in a journeyman future Hall-of-Famer to take over their QB position.





Besides, we’ve just witnessed the busiest offseason in memory. We could use a hiatus.

I don't have the time (I could make it, I guess) or resources (more important than time) to research this, but I can't see it being that much busier than recent years. But let's see your rationale.




Free agency and the draft are supposed to pique fans’ interest, and they’ve done the job well. Albert Haynesworth(notes) getting the biggest free agent contract in history, $100 million for seven years to take his defensive tackle skills from Tennessee to Washington, created a huge splash.

Biggest contract in history? I guess, going by guaranteed money (which is important). And...you know, these contracts get bigger every year. This would be like saying Sudan's population reached a record high in 2009, beating the record set in 2008! Splashwise, though, I don't think too many people got wet in this one. And trust me, I'd know. Wetness is the number 1 effect associated with me walking into a room.




Then came Kurt Warner(notes), playing the money game to perfection before extracting a two-year, $23 million deal to return to the Cardinals. Brian Dawkins(notes) tearfully leaving Philadelphia for Denver. And, by the way, with $9 million over two years for the 35-year-old safety.

Yes, people followed the Kurt Warner saga with rapt attention. Would he sign with Arizona soon or wait a little bit? Oh my, the suspense! And then the Eagles decided they couldn't afford to pay big money to an old veteran...THAT NEVER HAPPENS!






Potential Hall of Famers Derrick Brooks(notes), Orlando Pace(notes), Torry Holt(notes) and Fred Taylor(notes) were cut by the only teams they had ever suited up for. Pace and Taylor wound up with likely contenders in Chicago and New England, Holt landed in Jacksonville, and Brooks should find a new home this summer.

Happens like, every year. Around this time...you know, in the offseason, when teams aren't playing games and free agency starts and all that stuff.






The impressive list of free agents on the move has included receivers T.J. Houshmandzadeh(notes) to Seattle and Laveranues Coles(notes) to Cincinnati. DE Antonio Smith left the NFC champion Cardinals for Houston, and Jason Taylor(notes) wound up back in Miami. Safety Darren Sharper(notes) signed with New Orleans, while linebacker Bart Scott(notes) joined the Jets.

Again, this happens every year. Free agency. Same time. Every year. You could set your calendar to it! Because it happens every March 31 or something.





Trades, which happen in the NFL about as often as the Lions win a game, resurfaced with three doozies, the juiciest of which was the Jay Cutler(notes) saga in Denver.

True, the Jay Cutler saga was rare. But are trades really that rare? I doubt it. Didn't Shockey get traded to the Saints last offseason?




Already distraught over the firing of coach Mike Shanahan, Cutler was incensed when Shanahan’s replacement, Josh McDaniels, brought up the quarterback in trade talks. Things disintegrated from there, with Cutler at one point refusing to return McDaniels’ messages.

Didn't Randy Moss get traded to the Patriots two years ago?




Eventually, the franchise quarterback was dealt to Chicago for a boatload of draft picks and his nominal replacement, Kyle Orton(notes).

Didn't Chad Pennington get traded last offseason?




Another unhappy player—this time over money—tackle Jason Peters(notes) went from Buffalo to Philadelphia, which has restocked so well it might be the NFC favorite.

I think Terrell Owens was traded to the Cowboys after being disgruntled a couple years back.




And Kansas City sent the best tight end of his generation, Tony Gonzalez(notes), to Atlanta just before the draft.

As opposed to a superstar like Brett Favre, who almost certainly wasn't traded to the Jets in the year prior.




Amazingly, not even the T.O. carnival landing in Western New York—Owens signed a one year, $6.5 million contract with the Bills days after being released by Dallas—drew the most attention. Unfortunately, the stories involving guys who might not even play this season seemed to have the most juice. And drew the loudest and lengthiest analyses.

This happens with T.O. every fucking year. Are you retarded? I swear, if you are...I'm sorry for making fun of you and I'll stop.





Whither Favre, for instance? Or perhaps more pertinently, when will he land in Minnesota?

Yeah, the whole Favre thing is fresh and unique to this particular "offseason". I put "offseason" in quotes because things are happening and it's like we haven't even had one!




According to a variety of stories throughout the spring, some of them actually contradicting each other as they were being reported by one particular national sports outlet, Vikings executives/doctors/trainers visited Favre in Mississippi. Or they didn’t make the trip.

IT'S ALMOST LIKE THE INTERNET IS FULL OF RUMORS ON THINGS!





Favre contemplated surgery, then dropped the idea, then had surgery. The quarterback was given a deadline by the Vikings. Or he wasn’t. He was given a training program by the team. Or not.

Wow. This is so exciting. Favre might have a training program! Holy hell, can we get an offseason for Christ's sake!





Maybe the aging passer will come back again. At least Goodell doesn’t need to make any decisions about suspensions or fines in Favre’s lingering soap opera.

Goodell the Wise, able to discern between a guy who can't make up his mind and a guy who kills a construction worker. Look how busy this offseason's been! PLAYERS ARE KILLING GUYS!!!





The commissioner isn’t so fortunate when it comes to Michael Vick(notes), Donte’ Stallworth(notes) and Plaxico Burress(notes). Their stories, punctuated by litigation, investigation and plea-bargaining, have kept the seamier side of athletics in the spotlight.

Michael Vick killed dogs many offseasons ago. He's just getting out of prison for it now. Burress shot himself in-season. Really, the exciting part of these situations happened before this offseason.





Vick, under home confinement until July 20 after serving his federal prison sentence for running a dogfighting ring, presents the diciest dilemma for Goodell. Has the former Falcons quarterback, who was released by the team earlier this month, served enough time in the eyes of the NFL? Or will Goodell, in accordance with his powers under the league’s player conduct policy, suspend Vick?

My guess is yes, even though Vick has essentially already been suspended for two years by the law. Does anybody really care, though? We might miss out on watching Vick back up Matt Schaub!




Goodell already has suspended Stallworth indefinitely after the Browns receiver pleaded guilty to a DUI manslaughter charge.

I can't decide what gets my adrenaline pumping more, the fact that Goodell suspended Dante Stallworth, or the fact that Dante Stallworth killed a guy. I've certainly caught offseason fever!





Burress’ case has been adjourned until Sept. 23; he shot himself in the thigh last November in a Manhattan nightclub and was charged with criminal possession of a weapon. Goodell could opt to suspend Burress, too, under player conduct guidelines, even though his case has not been adjudicated.

I cannot believe that NFL players are just starting to break the law. Jeez, with the way this offseason is going, you'd think that Carolina Panthers players used to order hits on their pregnant girlfriends!




Got all that?

NO! My brain can't handle all 8 of the mostly typical things you've listed!






Did we mention the NFL Players Association hiring DeMaurice Smith, an energetic, high-powered attorney and football lover, to run the union and take on the owners in collective bargaining?

No you didn't! There's a lawyer heading the NFL Player's Union? UNREAL!

You'd have to look at the subatomic level to detect any semblance of my caring.





Or Gloria Estefan and Jimmy Buffett diving in with the Dolphins? Or New Orleans being awarded the 2013 Super Bowl? Or NFL clubs teaming up with state lotteries for promotional purposes? Or John Madden’s retirement from broadcasting? Or …

Oh God. New Orleans got the 2013 Super Bowl? Does something like this happen every year? Would you rather they announce it at halftime of a Browns-Chargers game? How is that exciting? Did people jack themselves off in an emotional furor last January when Khartoum, Sudan was awarded the 2060 Desert Camelfucking World Championships?

Would it be more exciting if Gloria Estefan and Jimmy Buffett were the ones doing the desert camelfucking?




What a good time to catch our breath.

Your parents are lesbians.

Energy drinks: part at least 6

Yes, you saw right....14 FUCKING HOURS OF ENERGY. I saw this today at the gas station near my house for the first time. 14 motherf-ing hours. Of energy. In a bottle. Seriously, doing enough cocaine to give you 14 hours of energy can kill you. Yet there it is in liquid form, sitting right next to the God damn bananas. And there are 12 in that box...so that's 168 hours of energy! IN ONE BOX! That's 7 entire days, man! A whole week! You seriously don't have to sleep for an entire week on this stuff, according to the packaging.

Who needs that much energy? And how can a $2.99 (seriously, it was just $2.99!) shot of whatever this mix of guarana, taurine and crystal meth is really keep you up and alert for 14 hours? I might have to try it, since I am all about not ever sleeping. All sleeping does is waste time that can be otherwise spent being alive. Seriously, how much easier would life be if you had a full 24 hours in a day? I could do my laundry at like, 3 am. I'd go to the gym at like, 5 am. I might even clean something. I'd be so productive. Even though I really don't need that much energy, I still want to harness it. I would be like catching lightning with your fingertips. And hopefully without singing your pubes.

Where is this going to stop? First it was Red Bulls, which gave you wings just like Kotex. Then 5-hour energy. Than 6-hour power. Then I saw 7 hours. NOW 14. Why measure this in hours? Fuck that, man. I'm starting my own energy shot.

ONE WEEK TWEAK.




Sure, it will have a mix of herbs and spices and fetus extract and all that good stuff, but the main two energy ingredients will not be a secret to anyone...exclamation points and hawk sperm. Suck on that, Powerthirst. Gonna be more like LOSERSAUCE when One Week Tweak comes out. Seriously...you tell me a more potent energy combo than exclamation points and real hawk sperm and I will swim to Ghana and cut my balls off. The hawk semen is jacked freshly out of actual wild hawks completely against their will, which makes it twice as potent as consensually obtained hawk jizz. Seriously, with these hawks it's hand-raped or bust. Well...they don't bust in that case. That's like a reverse pun! Strong plays on words and similar creative turns of phrase are where we will obtain our exclamation points.

So put down that 14-hour fraud and pick up a 2 ounce One Week Tweak today!

Airport hot

Yeah, I done been slackin' on this website, and yinz can suck it. This was meant to go up YEARS ago (ok, last Friday).

On my trip to and from San Diego, and ESPECIALLY in my stop in Houston, I can't help but notice how....well, unattractive people in airports are. While unsuccessfully trying to set up a pre-trip J from a familiar female acquaintance, I was told that maybe I should try my luck with a cougar at the airport. Well, you know what? There really weren't many chicks at the airport that I would even allow to blow me in a janitorial closet, even if they came up to me and asked nicely.

"Hey, Vern, can I please put your penis in my mouth?"

Uhhh...uhh, well....uhh...sorry, I've got to board! Maybe next time.

AND I WOULD ALMOST NEVER TURN DOWN A FREE-J. So this is saying something.

Any chick in an airport with full control of her motor functions is pretty much "airport hot". And it's even worse at the convention I was at...which dealt with an industrial field. Convention hot? Pretty much anyone with a vagina. I've never been to prison, but I can't imagine the selection being too much worse there.

So where are all of you women that I talk to (or, at the very least, make eye contact with) in the rest of the world? DON'T YOU EVER FLY?!?!?! I swear I'll buy you a plane ticket if you just sit next to me on the plane...and jack me off underneath the blanket the stewardess gave me.

Is this legit?

Poor Earnest Byner...fumbling away the Browns chances back in the '80s during that short time period where they were actually legit.

Well, I'm back from San Diego, returning to Fort Lauderdale in all of its early summer 95-degree and humid glory, reading up on the recent flooding to befall the City of Champions, and basking in the glow of last week's Penguins championship. Ok, maybe that's an over-romanticized way to say that I got home and sat around playing video games. But regardless, I was alerted by my pal Cotter, who is always on top of all things Pittsburgh at One For the Other Thumb, that some douchesack from Cleveland was attempting to rain all over my parade. And that, my internet friends, is UNACCEPTABLE!

Ok, Cleveland douche. Let's do this.




Pittsburgh leads Cleveland, 11-0, in titles since 1964? Whoop-dee-doo!
by Mike Peticca, The Plain Dealer
Tuesday June 16, 2009, 1:33 PM

Whoop-de-do? E-fucking-gads, you renaissance retard. You don't have to write the article like it's actually 1964.




Typical of those who can't accept an occasional taste of provincial success with grace and dignity, Ron Cook of the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette gloats that his tired city has won 11 major sports championships in the last 45 years, to none for Cleveland.

HE'S A FUCKING SPORTSWRITER. That's what sportswriters do. After one of their hometown teams wins a fucking championship, THEY WRITE ABOUT IT. And one of the city's sporting qualities is a rivalry with Cleveland. So he took some digs. Whatever. The only thing Pittsburgh is tired of is parades.

Another funny thing is that people from Cleveland keep attempting to trash Pittsburgh like their city is better in any category...one of these two cities has evolved since the '70s and diversified their economy to bring it up-to-date with and even a step ahead of most of the modern era, and the other has an economy based entirely on LeBron James. You can figure for yourself which is which.





He writes:

The celebration yesterday in honor of the Penguins was our second in 132 days, dating to the February party for the Steelers after Super Bowl XLIII. It was the third in 40-plus months, counting the parade for the Steelers after Super Bowl XL in February 2006.

Cleveland hasn't had three in 40 years.

Actually, that's factually incorrect.

Cleveland hasn't had even one in 45 years for any of its major professional sports teams.

Well, yeah, that's all true. I have illegitimate children older than my dad was 45 years ago.





Cook's boasts - prompted by the Penguins' NHL Stanley Cup victory - may have some numerical veracity, but they lack historical perspective and are, really, only half (if that) the story.

That's kind of vague. Let's see what you've got to back it up.




Steelers stealers

HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAH haven't seen that one in MINUTES!




Take the Steelers...please.

Pittsburgh was the worst franchise in the NFL until it hired Cleveland-born Chuck Noll as its coach. He led the Steelers to four of their first six Super Bowl championships. Keying Noll's indomitable defense was Hall of Famer Jack Lambert, a graduate of Crestwood High in Portage County and Kent State, and considered by some as the best linebacker ever.

Another player of note was Terry Bradshaw, who was born in Louisiana. Also important was Lynn Swann, a USC product. Mazech Tahl, who helped with cleaning the uniforms after games, was from Latvia.

This is retarded. No one cares where people were born...well, outside of people that live in an area that has nothing going for it. Do Pittsburghers claim that the 49ers owe much of their 1980's success to local product Joe Montana? Do they claim Marino's passing records? Are you actually suggesting, in all seriousness (or even any level of actual serious), that the Steelers actually stole people out of Ohio to lead them on their Super Bowl runs? That is retardation on the atomic level. Really. You can't get dumber than that. The stupidity of that thought could destroy a large city and give the majority of its residents radiation poisoning.





Former Browns linebacker and assistant coach Bill Cowher led Pittsburgh to its fifth Super Bowl win. Cowher, despite his accomplishments, wasn't good enough to be head coach for the Browns. Don't believe it? Former Browns owner Art Modell chose Bill Belichick over Cowher as Cleveland's new coach in 1991. Proving that the Browns' decision-makers have always known what's best, Belichick has coached three Super Bowl championship teams.


Oh my God. Please, look up "OMG" on Wikipedia. You'll see this paragraph.

Wow, Modell chose Belichick over Cowher. Good deal. Both turned out to be pretty good coaches in their own right; of course, they had to go to actual teams to do it. Interesting that the Browns would choose the coach known for cheating his way to three Super Bowls, and yet he STILL couldn't win anything in Cleveland.

But hey, the Browns have Romeo Crennel now, so it's all good.




Who's the reigning NFL defensive Player of the Year, and a linebacker on Pittsburgh's last two world champion teams? Akron's James Harrison, another former Kent State star.

Dude, get off of this tired-ass tip. Also, James Harrison had as much to do with the SB XL victory as parlando singing had to do with the success of Milli Vanilli.




What would the Steelers have been without such guys? And, all of their championships have been won since NFL games became more a dance than a brawl. After all, it was Lambert himself who famously said, "Quarterbacks should wear dresses," after he was reprimanded by the league for hitting a quarterback too hard. The Browns won all four of their titles when the game wasn't supervised like a croquet match.

So the Steelers now have to credit all of their championships to Cleveland? The Steelers wouldn't have been anywhere without a lot of different people from a multitude of places all over the country, you moron. And the same goes for ANY OTHER FUCKING THING IN LIFE THAT HAPPENS.

But, yes, point you. The Browns were AWESOME in the 1940's when the games weren't for pansies, there were 8 teams in the league, the players wore leather helmets, and Frank Sinatra was about 24.




We think Ron has really Cooked the books on this one. Cleveland has it all over Pittsburgh culturally, anyway. Do you know that Pittsburgh is so lacking in creative thinking that its football team was named the Pirates from 1933-40 (when it went 24-62-5, by the way)?

Ha! Awesome joke on Cook's name! And you have the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame!

Did you know that the Browns named their team after one of its coaches? And that their team sucked? And that it then moved to Baltimore and it won a Super Bowl there? And then a new team came in to replace it and it continues to suck to this day?




Pirates just been awful

The Pittsburgh Pirates' baseball team even makes the former, failed and forlorn Pittsburgh Pirates' football team look good.

Yep. The Pirates make the football team that used to suck in the FUCKING 1940'S look good by comparison.




Pittsburgh baseball has lost 318 games more than it has won since 1992. Recent Indians' teams look like the 1927 Yankees compared to the Buccos. Yes, the Pirates won the World Series in 1971 and 1979, but if they were any good lately, they would have made it to the 1995 or 1997 World Series to play the Indians, to see who really is best.


Right, the World Series' that the Indians lost to the Braves and then TO THE MARLINS. The last Indians championship occurred when JonBenét Ramsey's parents were 7.




The Pirates' inherited their ineptitude from the Pittsburgh Alleghenys, who went 23-113 in the 1890 National League pennant chase, finishing 66 1/2 games behind the first-place Brooklyn Bridegrooms and 23 games in the dust of the seventh-place Cleveland Spiders. The Alleghenys were outscored by 738 runs for the season, which even a Steel City citizen could tell you is more than one run per game.

Holy fuck, you are going back to 1890??!??!?! One of your insults is seriously that a Pittsburgh baseball team really sucked in 1890, back when the balls were made of sourdough bread and players used brooms for bats and had handlebar mustaches. Most of the chemicals that helped set Cleveland's river on fire hadn't even been created yet.

Also, we are SO much better at math than you people that it's not even worth discussing. Cleveland is still best known for being the birthplace of Bone-Thugs-N-Harmony.





Yes, in 1899, the Cleveland Spiders went 20-134, but we dare Ron Cook to find one person who can honestly say those Spiders were worse than the '90 Alleghenys.

Uh, because both of these events occurred in the 1890s? And percentage wise, that's many times worse. The winning percentages (divide wins by games played) were 16.9% for the 1890 Pittsburgh Alleghenys and 13.0% for the NOBODY GIVES A FUCK BECAUSE IT HAPPENED IN 1899.




Take Cavs over any Pitt team

What a great NBA history Pittsburgh has. Its lone NBA team, the 1946-47 Pittsburgh Ironmen (another creative name), played in the league during just its first season, when it was called the Basketball Association of America.


What's wrong with the Ironmen? Your team is named after somebody who rides a horse and fences. We can, of course, compare our spotty basketball history with your hockey history, if you'd like.




Typical of the city they represented, the Ironmen went 15-45, finishing 15 games behind the legendary Cleveland Rebels. Pittsburgh record books show that Colby Gunther is the team's all-time field goal percentage leader, hitting 33.6 percent of his shots. Some Pittsburgh fans could tell you Colby missed more than half his shots. A lot more, in fact.

The Cleveland Rebels are legendary? Ken Jennings hasn't even heard of the Cleveland Rebels.

If the Rebels were in any way indicative of the city they represented, they would have been homeless.




Penguins who?

Let's say this about hockey. Nobody had even heard of the Pittsburgh Penguins when the Cleveland Barons were winning nine Calder Cup championships between 1939 and 1964. That's when the NHL had six teams, and the Barons were commonly called the "seventh best hockey team in the world." We say they were the best. Not their fault they weren't allowed to play the Canadiens, Red Wings, etc.

Oh, so we will talk about Cleveland's hockey history, evem though it was in some minor league somewhere. One of the major reasons that nobody had heard of the Penguins at that point was due to the fact that they were FOUNDED IN 1967.

But hey, again, Cleveland apparently rocked during the Great Depression.




Ohio, 7-1

Just so Pittsburgh backers know, their city is in Pennsylvania and Cleveland is in Ohio. Despite an 89-year slump, Ohio has had seven men born in the state elected president. Pennsylvania has had one, and if you want to know how the experts rank him, look here.



Uhhh...ok. Just so people in Cleveland know, these are the lengths they have to go to if they want to feel superior to Pittsburgh in anything that people actually care about.