You will not control this team like a penis, sir

I kind of have a hard-on for mocking Pierre McGuire (above, on the right), and I am certainly not alone in my proclivity to do so. From Lori at Hockey, Balls, and Shoes (she's an obvious proponent of the Oxford Comma) comes this article by Rob Rossi of the Tribune-Review. Why is my linking always such a clustersex? Whatevs.

The article details the decision that the Penguins are going to have to make on their head coaching front at the end of the season, as Dan Bylsma is just an interim coach at this point, which I believe means that Mario Lemieux enjoys placing cigars inside his vagina. So, all in all, not an inflammatory premise at all. Something I can imagine the majority of Penguins fans would be interested in reading. The opposite of some gay third-grader touching maverick who raids houses in his fantasies to steal back Sammy Sosa's MVP award and put it right in Moises Alou's deserving, piss-standed hands.

Here are some of the potential options mentioned:

BRENT PETERSON

Currently: Nashville associate coach

Rossi: Speculated as GM Ray Shero's "guy" since Shero was hired away in May 2006 from Nashville, where he served as GM David Poile's assistant.

I wouldn't have a problem with that. Shero has shown that he knows what the f he's doing.

JOHN TORTORELLA

Currently: TSN (Canada) analyst

Rossi: Coached young and talented Tampa Bay Lightning to Stanley Cup in 2004, but was fired last summer. His experience, intensity and direct approach could benefit Penguins' young nucleus.

I'm a fan of Tortorella. Wouldn't be a problem, either.

EDIT: The Rangers just fired their coach and hired Tortorella. So it looks like he's off the list.

DAN BYLSMA

Currently: Penguins interim coach

Rossi: Has already impressed key team leaders. A playoff appearance would give him a legit claim. An appearance in the second round probably gets him the job.

If he does a good job down the stretch, then why not? Plus, he looks like Bill Cowher.

TODD RICHARDS

Currently: San Jose assistant coach

Rossi: Two successful seasons (2006-08) at AHL Wilkes-Barre/Scranton only enhanced his standing with Shero; was an assistant with AHL Milwaukee when Shero ran that affiliate for Nashville.

Know nothing about him, but hey, San Jose's doing something right. If Shero likes him than I come to the same conclusion that I came to for Peterson.

PIERRE MCGUIRE

Currently: TSN (Canada), NBC hockey analyst

Rossi: Craves another shot at coaching (67-game stint with Hartford, 1993-94). He is one of Shero's closest friends dating to their time with Ottawa in the mid-1990s. He also served as a pro scout on team co-owner Mario Lemieux-led Penguins squads from 1990-92.

WHAT!?!? Nooooooooooooo! No. NONONONONO. I don't care if he's bff's with Shero, or if he and Shero engage in weekly homosexual activities, or if he coached Hartford in 1993, or if he was a scout when Lemieux played, or if Wayne Gretzky is on his gchat list, or whatever. Lori is correct in that not only does he hold the microphone like a penis, he actually looks like a penis. For real. If this blog was NSFW, Photoshop would be getting a workout right now. Why is his name not Pierre Peterson? It would be fitting.

Pierre, you will not control this team like a penis. You will continue to sit in a little box between the team benches and ask Niklas Lidstrom if he's sweating and mention that Sidney Crosby just called Johnathan Cheecho a "fucking indian". But you cannot coach this team.

It can't happen. I hate Pierre McGuire. He is the douchiest of all non-Don Cherry bags in the NHL right now. There is almost no way I can be an active proponent of his success.

Don't do it, Shero.