Hurricane Ike is NOT laying in the Atlantic like a Broad

Wow, you are awesome at displaying images, Blogger. (3 second Borat pause). Not.

The red and pink hurricane symbols represent Hurricane Ike Taylor. The red dot represents me. I'm going to die! Sweet. The tracking map is from Weather Underground, just in case someone from there was surfing the web for hymen breaking and comes across this image with the intent of suing me for whatever I have left after the storm passes through. Here is an updated tracking of Ike meant to better convey the relative intensities of the hurricane:


That should look so much better than it does. Fuck you, Blogger.

Anyways, this thing is a fucking animal. A beast. It's insane. Category 4 hurricanes don't strike very often. Andrew was a borderline 4/5 (it was eventually classified as a 5), and it fucked the area up. Believe it or not, Andrew didn't even hit Miami dead on. It hit Homestead, FL, the southernmost mainland city in the US. 40,000 people live there and it is surrounded by swamps and nothingness. It is a 45 minute drive from Miami. If Andrew hit Miami dead on? It probably would have been 10 times what Katrina was. Luckily, this guy looks like he's on a similar southern track, with would spare us the catastrophic damage. Probably. You can never really tell with these things until they get here.

The scary part is that it is still forecast to be a category 2 hurricane when it crosses the state. They usually weaken pretty rapidly after landfall, so this probably means that it is a beast. Right now it is anything but broadlike out on the seas as it rapes the Atlantic for energy. The water only gets warmer as you get to the Caribbean and closer to the Florida coast, so the thing should energize and wash all of the gay sin out of South Beach, no matter how hard Pat Robertson tries to pray it away. If he even does, what with the sin. Disclaimer: I'm no meteorologist, so I don't know just how much effect gay sin is going to have on this storm.

So, I'm going to try and survive next week, likely without power. Just like 1883. I'm gonna be 1883-ing it. I can't wait to pop in a John Phillip Sousa tape.

The worst part of this is that I'm going to have to work on Monday, so if I had any intentions to evacuate to Orlando, I'd have to sit in traffic for about 48 hours. I'd rather cower in the living room. And stock up on beer. Hurricane beer pong championships, next Tuesday, Davie, FL. I'll see you there.